Who Hijacked Our Country

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Joe Biden Got CLOBBERED by Sarah Palin

Friday, October 3rd, 2008
Goddamnit, I just KNEW this was going to happen. Joe Biden got trounced last night. Suckerpunched. KO’d.

Why didn’t we see this coming??? Didn’t it occur to anybody that we were being set up? Everybody — from Biden on down — got taken by her giggly-cheerleader deer-caught-in-the-headlights act. We've been had!

Hasn’t anybody ever heard of a pool hustler? And we've all seen movies and TV shows where somebody is standing there all dazed and confused, and then — BLAM! — a flurry of suckerpunches.

And Biden went down. Did he ever! Oh sure, Joe Biden has thirty years worth of knowledge and experience and Sarah Palin can't find Europe on a map. It'll be a piece of cake. And yet…

We should've known this would happen. After all, George W. Bush has been a laughingstock ever since he first ran for governor of Texas. And yet he's never lost an election. And he continues to get everything he wants from Congress even though his poll ratings are in the teens and his name is a punchline.

I guess we’ll never know: Was Sarah Palin cramming for this debate like a college student on a 3-week meth bender? Or was this whole “Uuuhhh, Bush Doctrine? Do what now?” shtick just an act from the getgo?

Well, it’s moot now. Sarah Palin bowled them over with her performance during the debate, just like she did at the Republican Convention. Biden stumbled and gaffed, and now the McCain-PALIN ticket is soaring in the polls.


Ohh, if only there was a way to turn the clock back; a chance for us to do this over again.

cross-posted at Bring It On!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Another Welfare Handout for Wall Street Tycoons

We've had almost a week of these hysterical cries of “Wolf!” and “Emergency!” After awhile those initial panic reactions of “Oh My God! What will we do?!?!?” start giving way to more rational analysis.

After all, if you're trapped inside a burning building, your first priority is to get out alive. It’s only afterward that you start thinking “OK, who started the fire? Who was in charge? How did this happen?”

As of this writing, another “tentative” bailout agreement has been reached but not yet finalized by Congress. But whatever package we ultimately get — We The People need to make some serious changes.

Ever since the early ‘80s we've been letting the largest corporations do exactly what they want, when they want. And when they lose money, the taxpayers happily bail them out, so these companies can go and do the same thing again and again.

Sure, let’s allow these corporations to “police themselves” and trust that they’ll do what's right. As conservatives would say, “they want rights but no responsibilities.” How’s this been working out for us?

There's a theory that if Franklin Roosevelt (or somebody with similar views) hadn’t gotten elected president in 1932, there would have been a violent populist revolution in this country. And I think that’s the stage we’re in right now. People are pissed!

The streets of New York have been full of furious protesters. (Links here and here.) This anger isn't going away.

This column has some good ideas (plus it’s a good rant). The author, Adam Benforado, refers to the environmental cleanup law known as the Comprehensive Environmental Response, Compensation and Liability Act. You probably know it as the Superfund.

Under this law, cleanup of toxic waste had to be paid for by the corporations that had dumped it in the first place. It didn’t matter that these companies didn’t “intend” to poison anybody when they dumped their toxic chemicals. And it didn’t matter whether these companies violated any current laws at the time they did their dumping.

What mattered was: their willful actions caused billions of dollars worth of pollution and health hazards. And a lot of these companies had the means to pay for cleaning up their own shit.

Same goes for the Wall Street robber barons. As the title of the column says: “Take the banker’s Porsche.” Let’s see some heads roll.

Kenneth Lay faked his own death so he could weasel out of paying the price for his multi-billion dollar robbery. Let’s see how many Wall Street CEOs will have a fake heart attack, followed by a closed-casket “funeral” with no reporters allowed.

cross-posted at Bring It On!

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Friday, September 26, 2008

George W. Bush’s Letter of Resignation

In late October of 2000, Texas Governor George W. Bush (who was running for president at the time) wrote two letters. They were both addressed to the American People.

In his first letter, he praised the triumph of Good over Evil. We were about to invade Iraq (which nobody even knew at the time. We didn’t even know Iraq was a threat. Thank God for Republicans!). Liberals of course would fidget and whine like they always do whenever we start another war with a bunch of swarthy little shits. But Lo and Behold — We Won!!!

And because of our noble sacrifice, still another corner of the world was made safe for Freedom! (And quit asking how many corners the world has. You're shaking my concentration!)

In his letter, he also spoke of changing the tone in Washington. If you'll remember back to those feisty days of the late 1990s, Democrats and Republicans hated each other. Nobody had ever seen such fightin’ and bickerin’ in the Halls of Congress.

And when Dumbya was writing this letter, he had just zeroed in on some secret intelligence information warning about a deadly threat from a foreign enemy. He never told nobody about it (a turrist-loving librul was president at the time), but when he was about to be elected President, he duly warned the American People. And as we all remember, we were SAVED.

And this great Servant to the American People also wrote a second letter to The People at the same time. He promised his Fellow Americans what he would do if he was NOT successful. If, at the end of his one and only term in office, he had been unable to change the tone in Washington, if he had NOT protected us from a foreign invasion (September of 2001 had been the period everyone was speculating on for a possible attack), and if America’s economy had deteriorated to the point where we were turning into a third world country — his second prepared letter would say:

“Fellow Americans, my letter of resignation is effective as of the end of my one and only term of President of the United States, in January 2005. I made several promises to you, my friends, and I broke them. I failed. As you’ve all seen, I could fuck up a wetdream. And I am hereby resigning.”

Well, other than that Fuckin’ LIE little faux pas, how did Songbird do in the debate?

cross-posted at Bring It On!

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Thursday, September 25, 2008

Sarah Palin: “I Don't Hire No Steenking Negros!”

Aw come on, nobody’s perfect. So she’s a racist. But she is NOT a witch. And that’s certifiable. The Bishop has given his official verdict on the Governor’s Mansion: This house is clean.

The racism story comes from Gwen Alexander, president of the African-American Historical Society of Alaska. Last April fourteen black leaders in Alaska met with Palin to complain about a lack of job opportunities for minorities. Blacks only make up 4% of Alaska’s population. But when you add Eskimos, Aleuts, Indians and Asians, minorities make up a quarter of the population. Whatever your stereotype of Alaska may be, it's one of the country’s most ethnically diverse states.

Anyway, during this meeting, Palin told the group that she didn’t have to hire any blacks, and furthermore she didn’t intend to. So there.

But remember now, taking the good with the bad — she is not a witch. In May of 2005, Sarah Palin took part in an exorcism by the Bishop Thomas Muthee, from Kenya. (Irony alert: Bishop Thomas Muthee is…[gasp]…a Negro!)

Here is a YouTube video showing the evil spirits being driven from our future vice president. Enjoy.

In other news from the All Sarah All The Time Network: she won't reveal any personal financial information until after her debate with Joe Biden. That gives us two things to look forward to.

She’s been cramming like crazy for this debate and she’s ready to kick some butt. She can already recite the entire Bush Doctrine, she’s doing research on the Nuremburg Trials after the Korean War, and she can name three countries.

cross-posted at Bring It On!

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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Hand Over That $700 Billion Right NOW and Nobody Gets Hurt

Hurry up! Pass this bill Right NOW. We don’t have time for amendments or debate or procedures or any of that drivel. This is an Emergency! The entire economy could collapse any minute, and you're just sitting there dithering?!?!?!?!

Does this manufactured hysteria have a familiar ring to it? Think back to the summer of 2002 (and continuing through March of 2003). Saddam Hussein has Weapons of Mass Destruction! He has nuclear missiles pointing right at Your Family, and his finger is on the button! We don’t have time to argue about this. While we dither, Saddam Hussein is getting ready to attack! We have to Act NOW.

This phony “urgency” worked like a charm in 2003. Will it work again?

This Wall Street bailout — sort of a Patriot Act for Wall Street — would turn the Secretary of the Treasury into an all-powerful unaccountable czar. It would provide a $700 billion bailout with absolutely no strings attached. No regulation or oversight (which might actually prevent this from happening again); no limits on those famous 8-figure golden parachutes that executives keep rewarding themselves with every time they fuck up. And most importantly, no giveaways to those sniveling homeowners who should've known what they were doing.

Congress needs to hold out for what's right. (Warning: spines may be required.) Attaching a few strings to this humongous bailout is not only the right thing to do (in case that matters) — it’s also politically shrewd given the public’s fury at Wall Street right now.

When Romania was part of the Communist Bloc (their dictator, Nicolae Ceausescu, was overthrown and executed in 1989), it was probably Europe’s poorest country. On top of that, everyone in the country was required — maybe it was just a strong suggestion, but in a police state, you know what that means — to give money and presents to the incredibly wealthy Ceausescu family during Christmas and other holidays.

Little did we know that twenty years later, on Wall Street…

cross-posted at Bring It On!

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Monday, September 22, 2008

The First Word in “Border Patrol” is — “BORDER”

I live near the Canadian border. In fact I can see Vancouver Island (British Columbia) from my house. According to some people, that makes me a foreign policy expert. But I digress…

The Border Patrol has a strong presence here, since we’re at an international border. That’s fine. But lately the Border Patrol has been holding highway checkpoints far, far away from the Canadian border.

This has been pissing off a lot of people. It’s by far the most divisive issue in this area. The local paper is full of letters to the editor, pro and con. I've done several posts about it at my local blog, and they’ve drawn more comments than every other local issue put together.

There's a strong need to protect the border — no argument there. In 1999 an Algerian terrorist was intercepted at the border here. This was two years before the September 11th attacks.

But at these highway checkpoints, they aren't just looking for terrorists and illegal aliens, even though that’s their stated purpose. They’ve also been arresting people for drug possession, among other things. One person was arrested for possession of medical marijuana. He had a prescription that was legal in the State of Washington but in violation of federal law. Again, this arrest took place miles and miles from the Canadian border. What the fuck does this have to do with terrorism and illegal immigration?

Unless there's something unique about this area, I’m guessing this same issue is raging among millions of Americans who live near the Canadian and Mexican borders.

What do you think about this? Are these Border Patrol highway checkpoints making us safer? Or is this just another back door for Big Brother to invade everybody’s private life?

cross-posted at Bring It On!

Friday, September 19, 2008

John McCain: R.I.P.

John McCain’s death was already tragic. But now, to make the pain and suffering even more unbearable: some sick twisted leftwing demon — a Body Snatcher — has hijacked John McCain’s corpse.

And this — this Thing! — is STILL running for president! It’s trying to use the body of The Maverick™ as a Trojan Horse; trying to smuggle Communism into the White House. Poor old John McCain must be just twisting and turning in his grave.

The agony! The FURY of watching helplessly while his own corpse is walking around engaging in socialist rhetoric and Class Warfare. Conservatives, please understand that this is NOT the Maverick™ that you see on TV, talking about government regulation and trying to push for a — a Nanny State!

Seriously, how can McCain keep a straight face these days? Thirty years of “bootstraps” and “free market” rhetoric, and suddenly he's clamoring for government regulation and helping those whiny consumers. Is anybody gullible enough to believe this?? Within hours of declaring that “the fundamentals of the economy are sound,” McCain did a huge 180 and started pushing for government intervention and coddling the unwashed masses.

Imagine if the situation were reversed. America has been confronted with an urgent crisis, and suddenly Barack Obama starts shouting about “rugged individualism,” “limited government” and “let the marketplace decide.” Conservatives would be laughing their asses off and going “yeeaahh, riiight!”

But for McCain, thirty years of “sink or swim” and “get a grip, peons!” can just segue right into “oh my God, we need to jump in there and rescue everybody!” and nobody calls him on it. Oh that’s right, he was once a Prisoner of War, so it’s OK.

If the leader of the American Nazi Party started talking about tolerance and racial harmony, you'd be a little skeptical. (If not, check your pulse.) If you're in favor of racial harmony, why not vote for the person who’s been preaching about it all along, and not somebody who just discovered it five minutes ago.

By the same token, if you agree with McCain’s sudden conversion to “government meddling in the marketplace,” why not vote for the party that’s already been endorsing that approach for several decades?

If you agree with John McCain’s newfound sense of urgency over the economy, then you're a Democrat. A Big Government Liberal. Vote for Barack Obama.

cross-posted at Bring It On!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

One Possible Solution to Sleazy Political Ads

A letter to the editor of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer had a solution to all of these sleazy political ads during the presidential campaign. Basically — nothing. No regulations or restrictions. BUT:

During the presidential debates, all of these commercials and hit pieces would be aired, right there in front of the opposing candidate, the moderators, the audience and millions of TV viewers. And the candidate would have to stand there in front of God and everybody and explain the purpose and meaning of the ad, and why he/she “approved this message.”

How does that sound?

cross-posted at Bring It On!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Don’t Forget September 28th — Spanish Inquisition Day

On Sunday, September 28th, the Spanish Inquisition will be making their biggest power play ever. Oh, that’s right, they’ve changed their name. Now they're calling themselves the Alliance Defense Fund.

The Spanish, uh, Salem Witch, er Alliance Defense Fund wants Christianity and government to be completely intertwined; joined at the hip. No more of that commie “separation of church and state.”

And the Alliance Defense Fund wants YOUR tax dollars to pay for everything they do. And you thought conservatives didn’t like welfare.

September 28th has been declared “Pulpit Freedom Sunday.” Ministers all over the country are being encouraged to spew fire and brimstone in favor of — or against — a political candidate. Sort of a mass civil disobedience day for Biblewipes.

As you know, the IRS will take away the tax-exempt status of any church that actively endorses or condemns a political candidate. So the plan is for dozens — maybe hundreds, thousands — of ministers to swamp the court system, suing for their right to engage in political activity while receiving welfare handouts from YOU.

The Alliance Defense Fund will pay the legal expenses of any and all ministers who go to court and challenge the IRS ruling.

In our “Why Am I Not Surprised” Department — the Alliance Defense Fund was founded by James Dobson.

cross-posted at Bring It On!

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Sunday, September 14, 2008

Sarah Palin (Continued)

Yes it’s getting redundant. Everything that’s in this post, you’ve already seen in thousands of blogs. And now the mainstream media is even getting in on the act. Did they get a sudden sense of integrity, or are they tired of getting scooped on the Internet?

In any case these stories need to be brought front and center, again and again. This phony powercrazed vengeful ice queen needs to be brought down off her pedestal ASAP.

When it comes to cronyism, Palin makes George W. Bush look objective and honest. As governor, she hired a high school classmate, Franci Havemeister, to be the $95,000-a-year director of the State Division of Agriculture. Havemeister’s main qualification for the job was a childhood love of cows.

Palin and her top officials conduct a lot of state business through private e-mails. This is supposed to make her government correspondence exempt from any public inquiries or subpoenas.

Rick Steiner, a professor from the University of Alaska, tried to obtain some e-mail messages from scientists who were examining the effect of global warming on polar bears. One of Palin’s assistants told Steiner it would cost $468,784 to process his request. No, that was NOT a typo.

Another one of Palin’s aides made the fatal mistake of contacting her at her official state e-mail address to discuss a government issue. He was chewed out for not using her private e-mail address, so the information would be kept out of the public eye. He was placed on paid leave shortly after that.

The article says: “The Wasilla High School yearbook archive now doubles as a veritable directory of state government.” Her former junior high school bandmate is now her legislative director. Another classmate is managing the state economic development office.

Alaskan lawmakers of both parties are concerned that she surrounds herself with a small inner circle that keeps her isolated. We've had a Bubble Boy in the White House for almost eight years. Do we want another one?

She pretends to be the “hometown girl” and “everybody’s friend” around Wasilla, but this comes at the expense of the rest of the state. Some legislators in Juneau have started wearing pins that say “Where's Sarah?”

At a statewide gathering of mayors, somebody asked the crowd how many of them had tried to meet with Sarah Palin. (Her Majesty hadn’t arrived yet so it was safe to talk.) Every hand in the room went up. After the followup question — how many of you have actually met with her — there were almost no hands. Soon afterward Palin arrived, made a few short prepared statements and then left for an anti-abortion rally.

Richard Nixon had his “Enemies List.” For Sarah Palin, anyone who disagrees with her is a “Hater.” And she’s turned on former friends at the slightest provocation. Dan Fagan is a conservative radio host who supported her in 2006. Later he criticized her for raising taxes on the oil companies, and he was instantly transformed into a “hater.”

Another Hater is Faye Palin, Sarah’s mother-in-law, who has now been barred from speaking with reporters.

As Mayor of Wasilla, Palin reduced the workload of the mayor’s office. She hired a deputy administrator to handle a lot of the day to day tasks that previous mayors had handled. So much for her famous quote, before she was picked as VP, that “I'm used to being very productive and working real hard in an administration.”

And as you probably know, Palin’s husband has now been subpoenaed to testify in the Troopergate investigation.

The authorities need to do some serious interrogating in this case. Now ordinarily I'm against waterboarding; however…

cross-posted at Bring It On!

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Friday, September 12, 2008

Sarah Palin: Not Ready For Prime Time

OOPS! What happened to my teleprompter? And all my scripts and slogans? And why didn’t that fuckin’ senile McCain tell me about the Bush Doctrine? Like, you know, what the hell is it? Hellooo??? I looked like a deer caught in the headlights when Charlie Gibson asked me if I agreed with the Bush Doctrine. All I could come up with was: “…[long pause with vapid smile]… in what respect, Charlie?” Doh! I didn’t know. That’s not faaaaiir!!!

And then I had to blurt out “Oooooohhhh, you can see Russia from Alaska.” AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!! It wasn’t supposed to come out like that. I am NOT an empty suit or a shallow cheerleader! What happened??? I’m a pit bull Goddamnit, not some scared little lost puppy. I want a do-over!

Charlie Gibson was mean to me, asking all those hard questions. I wanted to talk about Jesus and how to ban books from the Wasilla Library and how many people I’ve fired because I didn’t like them. And he keeps prattling on and on about, something about conducting raids in Pakistan, or Israel attacking Iran, or admitting Georgia and Ukraine into NATO so we can fight Russia…uuuggghhh!!! WhatEVer!

And next month I have to debate Joe Biden. And it won't be pre-recorded and released in little dribs and drabs during the Friday News Dump. It’ll be live. Oh God!

Joe Biden won't be mean to me, will he, like Charlie Gibson was? Will the questions be easy? Do I have to keep reading Foreign Policy For Dummies?? Christ! Boooorrring.

Hey, wasn’t Dumbya wearing a wire or something during one of his press conferences, or a debate, or something? So they could whisper the answers to him and he wouldn’t sound so retarded like he usually does.

Can they get me one of those things for my debate next month? Pleeeeaase???

(Here is a partial transcript of the interview. And here is a video of Part I (of three) of the interview.)

cross-posted at Bring It On!


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Songbird McCain Gets a “D” from Veterans

Yes, everybody knows that John McCain was a …drumroll…




And because of that, nobody is allowed to criticize him for ANY reason. Unfortunately, the current political M.O. (invented but not trademarked by Karl Rove) is to attack a political opponent’s strongest point; not his weaknesses.

That’s how John Kerry got transformed in 2004 from a Vietnam Veteran to “Hanoi John” (among other nicknames). And in 2008, Hanoi John begat Songbird McCain. Check out some of those links. Maybe they're true; maybe not.

While the “media” keeps reminding everybody that McCain was a ***Prisoner***Of*** War*** and regurgitating his “I’d rather lose an election than lose a war” soundbite, they keep forgetting to mention a few other things. For instance, McCain has fought tooth and nail against almost every effort to help war veterans AFTER they’ve come home.

An expanded G.I. Bill, improved medical care for wounded and disabled veterans — you name it, McCain is against it.

The Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America has given McCain a D rating.

IAVA board member Adam Kokesh attended the Republican Convention. When he protested during McCain’s speech, McCain supporters shouted “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!” to drown him out. At that point McCain interrupted his own speech to say, “Please, please don't be diverted by the ground noise and the static.”

All righty then. While you're over there fighting, you come in handy as a soundbite — a stage prop. But if you come home and start whining about some sort of injury or whatever, you're just “noise and static.”

Fuck off Songbird.

cross-posted at Bring It On!

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Monday, September 08, 2008

Extra! Extra! Read All About It! Sarah Palin’s Future Grandchild Might Be African-American!

OK, first — AHEM! — a few disclaimers. Obviously I have no idea whether there's any truth whatsoever to this rumor. Check out the YouTube link at the bottom of this post and see what you think.

Second, I've always had nothing but contempt for those mindless tabloid journals and the people who read them. And now I'm stooping to their level. Oh My God, I've become what I hate!

But there's a war going on — a culture war. And War is Hell.

Until a week or two ago, the whole “culture wars” / “fire and brimstone” garbage had a lower profile than usual. Millions of Biblestains were threatening to stay home on Election Day because McCain isn't righteous or hateful enough. For awhile there, it looked like we might actually have an election where ISSUES would be discussed. You know — millions of people in danger of losing their homes; America being swallowed up by Iraqmire; the banking, oil and pharmaceutical industries (among others) running rampant with no oversight or accountability. That kind of thing.

But thanks to the Republican powerbrokers, a rightwing Biblespouting trophy-hunting “global-warming-is-a-myth” nutcase is on the ticket. (If you think this was McCain’s choice, I can get you a great deal on some oceanfront property in South Dakota.)

Whew! Now we don’t have to discuss the issues after all. That was close. McCain can't find Iraq and Pakistan on a map; can't even tell the difference between a middle school and a VA hospital. How can he possibly debate the issues with Obama?

Problem solved. Once again, all the Right has to do is spit out their favorite soundbites — Abortion! Gay Marriage! Drill For Oil Now! — and millions of knuckledraggers will slither out from under their rocks and go to the polls on Election Day.

But there's a risk to pounding the Bible and playing the God Card: you might get hoisted on your own petard. For instance — William Bennett, Newt Gingrich, Jon Livingston, Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart (to name just a few). And now Sarah Palin.

She doesn’t appear to be quite the lily-white Bible Queen she’s pretending to be. Affairs. A daughter pregnant out of wedlock. Using her political influence as a billy club (is that what Jesus would do?). Trophy hunting and trying to derail every environmental and species-protection law that she possibly can. Didn’t the Bible mention something about Man having stewardship over the land and God’s creatures? Or maybe Jesus said “if it moves, shoot it!”

The Palin family has brought on all of these tabloid rumors by their own holier-than-though Bible spouting. When somebody preaches one thing and practices the opposite, it becomes an issue.

If the public found out that the president of Greenpeace likes to hunt endangered species when nobody’s looking, the anti-environment crowd would have a field day with it. And they'd be right.

And continuing with that zany comparison: environmentalists — unlike Biblehumpers — would NOT be circling the wagons and rallying around the president of Greenpeace and saying “uh, ahem [sputter] but this is different, it’s not the same thing…that F#$%&!# media…”

OK, on with the show! Here is the link to the video.

Yes these are vicious rumors and dirty tactics. Lee Atwater and Karl Rove don’t have a patent on the dirty tricks they invented. For the past two presidential elections, the Democrats showed up at a gunfight and brought a pocket knife. Not this time.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

What's The Difference Between a VA Hospital and a Middle School?

Seriously, this isn't a riddle. John McCain wants to know.

During McCain’s speech last Thursday, part of the backdrop was a giant image of Walter Reed Middle School in North Hollywood, CA. WTF???

This nationwide TV image came as a shock to the school’s staff. Principal Donna Tobin said: “Permission to use the front of our school for the Republican National Convention was not given by our school nor is the use of our school’s picture an endorsement of any political party or view.”

Going waaay out on a limb here — I'm gonna guess that McCain’s handlers wanted to use Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington, DC as a photo op during McCain’s speech, but they somehow got it mixed up with Walter Reed Middle School in North Hollywood.


And these people want to be trusted with the Presidency of the United States?????

Somebody should come up with a David Letterman style top ten ways to tell whether you're in a middle school or a veterans’ hospital.

Or maybe McCain could visit Walter Reed Middle School and take a refresher course. He could relearn some of his old geography lessons, like: where is the Iraq-Pakistan border? (Pssssssttt! There ISN'T one).

The McCain campaign has not been available for comment.

cross-posted at Bring It On!

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Friday, September 05, 2008

Sarah Palin: “Sort of like a Vice President, Only With Responsibilities”

Our country’s dedicated Community Organizers got dissed the other night by some phony self-absorbed ice queen. These are the people who work hand in hand with churches to help inner city residents who’ve been evicted, laid off or had their homes foreclosed. “Community Organizer” teeheeheeheehee…

And unlike certain petty spiteful politicians, community organizers don’t have any political clout that they can use for banning books and getting people fired.

But not to take it personally. The above-mentioned asshole also has a low opinion of another well-known job position: Vice President of the United States. Or, she used to anyway.

Before Sarah Palin was chosen as VP, she answered an interviewer’s question with:

“As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day? I'm used to being very productive and working real hard in an administration. We want to make sure that that VP slot would be a fruitful type of position, especially for Alaskans and for the things that we're trying to accomplish up here for the rest of the U.S., before I can even start addressing that question.”

And she toks rill goood too.

Or to paraphrase Bluto Blutarsky: “Six years of college down the drain.”

cross-posted at Bring It On!


Thursday, September 04, 2008

And Jesus Said: “Invade Those Swarthy Motherfuckers”

Three months ago, Sarah Palin was reveling in the glory of our 21st Century Crusade in the Middle East. She was speaking to a group of ministry students at the Wasilla Assembly of God. Iraqmire is “a task from God,” she said.

“Our national leaders are sending them out on a task that is from God. That's what we have to make sure that we're praying for, that there is a plan and that plan is God's plan.”

I haven’t looked for the video of her speech but it’s supposed to be available at the Wasilla Assembly of God website (among other places).

She also told the ministry students that she wanted to “strike a deal” with them. While they spewed hatred and venom preached the love of Jesus throughout Alaska, she would work to implement God’s Will from the governor’s office.

In addition to conquering those slimy Moslems, God’s Will also includes building a pipeline to bring North Slope natural gas to American markets. “God's will has to be done in unifying people and companies to get that gas line built, so pray for that.”

I can't remember which part of the Bible it was from, but who could forget that stirring passage where Jesus said: “Get those fuckin’ trees and animals out of the way and build that Goddamn pipeline. NOW, Asshole!”

cross-posted at Bring It On!

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Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Dan Quayle Was Right about Murphy Brown

In 1992 Dan Quayle made a courageous speech about moral values. He knew the liberal media would make fun of him but he stood his ground. He rightly criticized the TV series Murphy Brown for the immoral message it was sending to America’s youth.

After several seasons, the series’ star, TV journalist Murphy Brown (played by Candace Bergen) became pregnant out of wedlock. The child’s father refused to marry her, so she decided to have the baby and raise it as a single parent.

Liberals and elitists tried to put this in a “positive” light, since after all she decided not to have an abortion. I myself was one of those naïve idealists back then. In those days I hadn’t found Jesus yet, and I just couldn’t imagine what all those simple Biblewipes were so upset about.

But Dan Quayle stepped up to the plate. He braved the hatred and ridicule that he knew would be heaped on him by the elitists. He warned us that Murphy Brown was setting a terrible example. From now on, he thundered, it would be perfectly acceptable to have a child out of wedlock. This abominable sin would no longer carry any sort of guilt or stigma, and America’s moral fiber would be ruined.

They laughed at him, but sixteen years later Dan Quayle has been vindicated. We should have heeded his warning. Just look at the filth our country is wallowing in. It’s everywhere!

Just to demonstrate how this immoral sludge has been oozing into every corner of America, let’s take a completely random example. We’ll zero in on a typical Middle American family …OK, we’ve found a family in a small town in Alaska. Both parents are gainfully employed and they have five children. One of their children is seventeen years old and — GASP! — she’s PREGNANT! Out of wedlock!

This is a disgrace! God have mercy. This is exactly what Dan Quayle warned us about sixteen years ago, and nobody listened. Are we happy now?!?!?!?!

Well, we can be grateful for one small favor: there probably isn't anybody in this anonymous family who's famous or has any sort of political ambitions.

cross-posted at Bring It On!


Monday, September 01, 2008

George Marie Antoinette Bush: “Let Them Eat Bovine Encephalopathy-Infected Meat”

If you're still under the impression that our economy is based on capitalism or some sort of “free market,” this news item will shatter your illusions once and for all.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture has been inspecting about one percent of America’s beef cattle for Mad Cow Disease. (The official name is Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, or BSE.)

A Kansas meatpacking company, Creekstone Farms Premium Beef, has been testing all of its cattle — 100% — for Mad Cow Disease. And being shrewd business people, they’ve been advertising this fact. Who wouldn’t?

Unfortunately this puts the large meatpacking companies in kind of an awkward position. And today’s bloated government-subsidized corporations don’t like awkward positions. Or competition. Or being one-upped by a smaller company.

So the large meatpacking companies have instructed their prostitutes at USDA to prevent Creekstone Farms from testing all of its cattle. And a federal Appeals Court judge — Karen LeCraft Henderson — has ruled that the USDA can indeed prevent a meatpacking company from going above and beyond the minimum requirements by inspecting all of its cattle and not just one percent.

That old cliché needs to be rewritten: Build a better mousetrap and your competitors will instruct the government to shut you down.

Traditionally it’s been liberals who wanted a certain amount of government regulation for the purpose of protecting public health, the environment, workers’ safety, etc. Conservatives have always railed against this “government meddling,” insisting that the “free market” will take care of everything.

Now we have the federal government PREVENTING a company from looking out for its customers and trying to deliver the best product they can. Is this what conservatives want? And what would you even call this economic system?

cross-posted at Bring It On!

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