Carl Icahn: “Those Lowly Workers Don’t Need a F&#$*&!#*$! Severance Package”

“That’s the trouble with America today. There’s too much of that pansy socialism. Employers have turned into a bunch of bleeding-heart pussies. They think they owe something to their employees?!?!?!?!? Workers are a dime a dozen; they’re chattel. Their bosses don’t owe them jack shit! When I take over your company, your job is toast. Move on! Get lost, you worthless piece of trash!”

Carl Icahn didn’t say those exact words of course, but that’s the obvious viewpoint of America’s favorite Shitstain/Billionaire.

You might or might not have been following Microsoft’s attempts to gobble up Yahoo! These corporate “Clash of the Titans” dramas aren’t exactly the most riveting news out there. Carl Icahn is planning to ask Yahoo! shareholders to fire their board of directors for refusing to let Microsoft buy them out.

The last straw was when the Yahoo! board of directors offered a generous severance package to Yahoo! employees whose jobs would be eliminated if the two companies merged. Commies!!!

Icahn is even trying to fire Yahoo!’s founder and CEO, Jerry Yang.

Jerry Yang has created one of the greatest technological innovators of the past fourteen years. What the fuck has Carl Icahn given us?

If Icahn is successful, he might even upstage Charles Hurwitz as the number one douchebag of the corporate world. Charles Hurwitz isn’t exactly a household name any more, but he makes Kenneth Lay look like Mother Theresa.

Hurwitz is single-handedly responsible for the “environment vs. timber industry” battles that polarized Northern California in the 1990s. In the late ‘80s his company, Maxxam, took over Pacific Lumber. Pacific Lumber had been a locally-owned company for generations. They were excellent stewards of the land. They were practicing sustainable timber harvesting long before “sustainable” became a popular soundbite.

After Hurwitz took over the company, Pacific Lumber started plundering and cutting down everything that didn’t move. This begat the “timber wars” of the 1990s. A formerly harmonious region became wracked with mutual hatred between a bunch of “dumbfuck beer-bellied lumberjacks” and “long-haired navel-gazing treehuggers.” Pacific Lumber also started some massive downsizing, which was always blamed on treehuggers and spotted owls.

As you can see from the linked article, Hurwitz was also one of the main culprits in the savings and loan scandals of the 1980s. If you were paying taxes during that period, some of your tax dollars went to Charles Hurwitz.

If Carl Icahn wants to be associated with shit like this, he’s on the right track.

cross-posted at Bring It On!