Fifteen Republican Senators Send Letter to Obama: Withdraw Hagel Nomination

We the undersigned are determined to obstruct and block every move you try to make, so you might as well give up on Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defense.

Chuck Hagel is a veteran, a Vietnam war hero.  And that’s TWO strikes against him.  First, the defense secretary needs to be a chicken hawk, like us.  Keyboard warriors like us, we LOVE violence, bloodshed, war, that orgasmic thrill of watching American military forces penetrate deep deep deep into another country’s territory.  We’re scared shitless of any sort of violence if it’s directed at us, but we come all over ourselves when somebody else gets it.

Chuck Hagel knows first hand the horrors of war, and because of that he’ll be reluctant to invade Iran.  We, the proud members of the Chairborne Division, on the other hand, are champing at the bit to invade Iran, Mali, Venezuela, Ecuador, Syria…And we insist that the next defense secretary be a bloodthirsty chicken hawk, just like us.

Secondly, we hate veterans and war heroes because they’re tough manly men.  We all got picked on in gym class, and we hate these people.  We’re afraid of them, we’re jealous of them, and we sometimes entertain the wickedest sickest fantasies about them.  The atomic wedgies I got in high school would have been a lot more pleasurable if they’d been given by a studly hunk like Chuck Ha—

[ahem] getting a little off track here…

But most importantly, Mr. President — ugh!  I can barely bring myself to call him that — we’re blocking Chuck Hagel’s nomination because YOU nominated him, and we hate you.  If Chuck Hagel had been nominated by anyone other than your Kenyan Muslim Communist ass, we’d approve him unanimously.  But we’ll never ever get over the fact that you got elected President, and then re-elected.  We’re gonna spend the next four years stomping our feet, thrusting out our lower lips and trying to sabotage everything you do.

Cordially,

Marco Rubio, John Cornyn, James Inhofe, Lindsey Graham, Roger Wicker, David Vitter, Ted Cruz, Mike Lee, Pat Toomey, Dan Coats, Ron Johnson, James Risch, John Barrasso, Tom Coburn, Tim Scott

Chuck Hagel Would be a Horrible — Atrocious! — Secretary of Defense

by Lindsey Graham


Oh!  I just don’t know what gets INTO these people!  Chuck Hagel, Secretary of Defense???  Oh please!  Awful awful awful!!  Hate it!

And why, you ask, would Chuck Hagel be such a dreadful choice for defense secretary?

Well, first of all, he doesn’t worship Israel’s God-given right to build condos and strip malls on every last inch of Palestinian territory.  Even worse, he isn’t champing at the bit to invade Iran.

And do you know why?  It’s because Chuck Hagel was a war hero during the Vietnam War.  He knows first hand the horrors of war.  And that’s why he’d make a terrible defense secretary.

The secretary of defense should be a chicken hawk — somebody like me.  I turn into aspic at the mere thought of physical violence being visited upon me.  But I LOVE war!  And I’m the exact type of person we need running the Pentagon.

We need to keep invading other countries in order to keep providing lucrative defense contracts for our biggest corporate donors.  If we weren’t hopelessly quagmired somewhere in the world, Halliburton would — ooohh, it’s unthinkable!

And the unthinkable would happen if Chuck Hagel were in charge of the Pentagon — somebody who doesn’t want to start wars because he knows personally what war is like.

As I was saying, I wet my pants in utter terror if somebody even gives me a dirty look, or honks at me on the freeway.

But I LOVE war.  Big strapping macho men, fighting!  Ugh!  Men, manly MEN, hitting each other, hurting each other, making each other scream and — oh God oh God, oh oh — oops, I think I just — excuse me a minute while I go clean myself off…