Rand Paul: “I Have Nothing Against the Nigra, If He Knows His Place”

Special Guest Column by Rand Paul:

Sure, that there Civil Rights Act of 1964 was well-intentioned and all, but it went too far. It’s far better for ninety-nine colored people to be unable to eat or buy anything, than for one inbred tobacca-spittin’ redneck to have to let a Nigra into his place of bidness if he don’t wanna.

And don’t even get me started on dadgum Americans With Disabilities Act. Just what the fuck do these people in wheelchairs want anyway? They clog up the sidewalks, they need a special bathroom with a door as big as Texas so they can fit those F$%&!#! wheelchairs through the entrance, they need a special ramp just so they can get in and out of buildings...

And if you’ve ever ridden a bus, you’re familiar with that sinking feeling you get when the bus pulls up to a stop and there’s somebody in a wheelchair waiting to get on. F&%$#!&%#!$$!!! Everything grinds to a halt for ten minutes while this slow motion wheelchair ramp extends out of the doorway so the cripple can roll up and onto the bus. Then everything grinds to a halt for another ten minutes while the ramp slooowly recoils back into the bus. And nobody else can get on or off the bus until the damn cripple has gotten into the bus and gotten himself comfortably seated. Well, I mean, he was already seated, but, you know what I’m saying.

I’m saying: Enough of this Godforsaken Liberal Big Government Nanny State meddling in our lives. The American People want Freedom! We’re taking our country back!

Any more it seems like you’re not a Real American unless you’re a Nigra, Meskin, a Chinaman or some other one of them minorities, or a homosexual, or sitting in a wheelchair all helpless like. And it ain’t right.

The hard part about believing in freedom is, uh, where was I? Wait — I like the sound of that. Can’t you just hear the steel guitars twanging in the background? The hard part about believing in freedom — I got me a country and western song here that just ain’t been written yet.

Well, I ain’t a country singer, but I know someone who is. And she got her finger on the pulse of America. Real Americans, not them blasted minorities and disabled pansies.

So I want you to give her a listen. She got something to say, and if you’re a Real American, you’re sayin' it too.