Thank God for Colombia

With growing horror, we’re seeing most of South America move to the left. Venezuela, Bolivia and Ecuador are the most blatant examples. But even such former rightwing stalwarts as Argentina and Chile are slowly moving away from America’s ideals.

One would think that with all we've done for South America, they'd be more grateful to us. For decades we've hand-picked most of their leaders and pretty much made all of their decisions for them. These countries needed us to nurture them through their infancy and adolescence. Now apparently they don’t need us any more…

But like an oasis in the desert, one country stands head and shoulders above the rest, exemplifying everything America stands for: Colombia.

Most of the continent is being seduced by dangerous ideas that are abhorrent to red-blooded Americans: coddling labor unions, and redistributing the aristocracy’s hard-earned wealth to those lowly peasants.

But not Colombia. Nosireebob! The Colombian government, knowing that labor unions have ruined the economy of civilized nations, has put its foot down. And hard. Liberals will probably whimper and wring their hands, but this problem needs to be nipped in the bud.

Colombia will NOT tolerate labor unions. Even joining a union, or telling somebody you're in favor of them, is a life-risking move. [beams with pride] Ah, a country after our own hearts. If only the American government had been this firm ninety years ago when our own laborers started pulling their little shenanigans…

If there's ever a conflict between Colombia and those commies in Venezuela, America will need to get involved and help out any way we can. At last, we have a friend, and we will do whatever it takes to help our friend.

There's just one little problem that remains, but I’m sure we can work this out: those damn coca leaves. They're ubiquitous throughout the entire country. How many times do we need to explain it to these people? Millions of wealthy Americans are addicted to a byproduct of their coca leaves; and Colombia needs to fix this problem by getting rid of all those coca plants. Come on, what's the holdup?

I know, I know, something about coca leaves being the livelihood of millions of dirt-poor farmers, and chewing coca leaves being a social ritual that goes back thousands of years… [yawn]…WhatEVer! Anyway, as soon as this little problem gets ironed out, America and Colombia will be best friends. It'll be us against the world.

cross-posted at Bring It On!