Dick Cheney for Vice President

Don’t laugh; this might be the only solution to the Never Ending Story.

Dick Cheney just flat-out refuses to shut his foul putrefying shit-spewing face. A serious political discussion without Dick Cheney vomiting all over the proceedings is about as likely as a picnic with no ants.

Remember when Cheney was Vice President of the United States, you couldn’t get a word out of him. Nobody even knew where he was 99% of the time. Once in awhile he’d peek out of his secret cubbyhole just long enough to tell a Democrat to go fuck himself, or shoot somebody in the face, and then he’d slither away again.

Now obviously nobody wants this Dickwipe to actually BE the Vice President again. But just suppose there was a way to make him THINK he’s Vice President. Would it work? Would he finally shut his blubbering puke hole and go gently into the night?

This is kind of a far-fetched comparison, but during one of Alice Cooper’s concert tours in the early ‘70s, the band played sort of a mean trick on their lead guitarist. (I got this information from Billion Dollar Baby, a book written by columnist Bob Greene, who accompanied Alice Cooper on one of their tours.)

This guitar player was basically deteriorating. I forget whether he was getting too wasted on drugs and booze, or was just lazy or getting sloppy (I read the book a long time ago). He kept making mistakes and missing notes, but he wouldn’t admit it. So the rest of the band arranged for the sound man to silence his guitar without him knowing it. He’d have his guitar and amp cranked up to ten while he’s wailing away with his solos, not even suspecting that nobody could hear him. The second guitarist was also playing the solo, and HE was the only one the audience could hear.

I assume the lead guitarist found out about this at some point before Billion Dollar Baby was published.

OK, so it’s a wacky comparison, but: is there some humanly possible way to trick Cheney into thinking he’s Vice President? Somebody could set up a simulated office for him to “work” in, and people pretending to be Dumbya, Rice, John Yoo, etc. could call him up for instructions. They could even show him computer models of simulated terrorist attacks that were thwarted at the last minute because of Dick’s fiery speeches and 24-hours-a-day vigilance.

I think Cheney might actually be megalomaniacal and delusional enough to fall for it.

Got any ideas?

cross-posted at Bring It On!