The War on Christmas: A Progress Report

Yes, the War on Christmas is heating up. We’re gaining more underground soldiers and extending our tentacles further and deeper into every facet of American society. By the time the talking heads even know what's about to happen, we’ll already be — well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

The other day Mike HuckaHuckaBurnin’Jesus gave his standard speech in Iowa — with a little tailoring for the holidays: “I know this is probably a very controversial thing, but may I say to you, Merry Christmas…What’s wrong with our country, what is wrong with our culture, is that you can’t say the name Jesus Christ without people going completely berserk.”

AARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!! There's that word again. $&#$%&!#$#%#&%$#&!!!! And every time I hear somebody gushing on and on about that whiny colicky squealing Baby Jesus, I just SNAP! I want to knock over every crèche I see, and then jump up and down on it until it’s in little pieces and then keep stomping on the pieces until they're smithereens! I want to knock the Christmas packages out of those goony shoppers’ arms and kick them across the store and SMASH them. GGGRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

(By the way, I don’t know if this qualifies as a name freak or not, but Huckabee’s “Family-Values Jesus-Hates-Homasexials” speech was delivered in the town of Dike, Iowa.)

As we all know, our most significant victory of the year was scored by al Qaeda in Brazil a few days ago. Yeahhh!!! You Go Satan! The score so far: Secular Humanists 1, Santa 0.

And this is only the first of many victories we’ll be winning in the coming years. Christmas is like a house infested with termites (that’s us). By the time the damage is visible, it’ll be too late. The house will CRUMBLE. COLLAPSE! Christmas will be deader'n a doornail! BWAAAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAA!!!!!!!!!

Bellow Riley thinks he's just scoring points with Christians when he rages on and on about the “War on Christmas.” He has no idea who he's fuckin’ with, or of the fact that he hasn’t even started to scratch the surface yet. If he only had the tiniest clue of the extent of this underground network, the coming jihad…

I now have a copy of The Book. I'm IN!!! This book has all the information an anti-Christmas terrorist needs. It has every guerilla/sabotage/jihad tactic ever devised, and a detailed list of underground contacts. I got it for Christmas.