Urgent! DEA must Crack Down Immediately on States That Have Legalized Marijuana!

Quick, before it’s too late!

Eight retired Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) chiefs simultaneously woke up from their afternoon naps, poked their heads out of their assisted living facilities and did their best Rip Van Winkle impressions:

“Oh my God!  It’s 2013!  That there Killer Weed is LEGAL in two states, decriminalized in several other states, and some states even allow people to smoke marijuana for ‘medicinal’ purposes.  NOOO!!!”

One of the retired DEA chiefs, Peter Bensinger, came out of his Thorazine stupor long enough to start blubbering about a “domino effect” if the federal government doesn’t crack down IMMEDIATELY — before it’s too late! — on these offending states:

“My fear is that the Justice Department will do what they are doing now:  do nothing and say nothing.  If they don’t act now, these laws will be fully implemented in a matter of months.”

[gasp!]

And here I was, worrying over trivia like the economy and environmental destruction.  Well, I stand corrected.  We need to crack down NOW on this Reefer Madness, this, this Assassin of Youth!

And for the first time Ever, Rightwingers are looking to the United Nations for support.  What???  Those globalist thugs who are planning to invade America, ram their environmental agenda down her throat and steal her property rights?!?

According to these eight DEA has-beens, the International Narcotics Control Board — a U.N. agency — has the U.S. Justice Department in a straitjacket because of international drug treaties.

Well, that settles that.  When the U.N. tells America to do something, America obeys.  Or Else!  That’s why we didn’t invade Iraq — or overthrow the governments of Iran and countless Latin American countries — and that’s why we’ve signed all these international treaties to fight climate change.

And we’re all familiar with the absolute power of the U..N.  If it weren’t for the United Nations, North Korea would be threatening the world with nuclear missile attacks; al Qaeda thugs would be terrorizing the citizens of Mali; Israel would be smothering the Palestinians with thousands of new Israeli settlements…

Well, I can’t take any more of those horrifying fantasies.  Unthinkable!  Thank God for the protective arm of the United Nations.

I guess we’ll have to do what they tell us.