Pakistan Has Weapons of Mass Destruction!

Those swarthy bastards have something to hide, I just know it. I thought Pakistan was our friend. Apparently not. Maybe Israel is our only friend. Well that's just FINE! It’s us two against the world. We can take ‘em!

Those backstabbing Pakistanis won't let us into their country to look for Osama bin Laden?!? The neverending search for Osama is the lynchpin of our Plan for World Domination Global War on Terror. We don’t want to find him, of course (is he even still alive?). We just need to keep pointing to him, keep the population riled up, and keep pretending we’re still looking for him.

This famous lesson from Hermann Goering has been our inspiration for the past seven years:

“Naturally the common people don't want war: Neither in Russia, nor in England, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, IT IS THE LEADERS of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is TELL THEM THEY ARE BEING ATTACKED, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. IT WORKS THE SAME IN ANY COUNTRY.”

And Boy Howdy does it work! Yeehaw! Whenever anybody questions why we’re occupying so many countries and bankrupting our own government, we have our Talking Points at the ready. “9/11.” “Soft on Terrorism!” “Surrender Monkey!” “Why do you hate your own country?”

Works every time. Those liberals are scared shitless to say anything. They know we’ll bombard them with names and innuendos, and they can't seem to think of any comebacks. So they just cower silently. Teeheeheeheehee.

But the cornerstone of this plan is: we need a villain. Eastasia! Oceana! Osama bin Laden! We’re gonna find you Goddamnit! Wanted Dead or Alive! You can run but you can't hide!

And now Pakistan is wrecking the Game Plan by saying we can't send troops into their country to search for, uh, the Cisco Ki— I mean, the Reichstag, uhh, oh come on…Osama bin Laden, that’s it. Pervez Musharraf actually said “I challenge anybody coming into our mountains. They would regret that day.”

What?!?!?!?! After everything we've done for those towelheads, and this is how they pay us back??? That does it. They're in our crosshairs now! Don’t worry, it'll be a cakewalk.