Bicycles Cause More Pollution Than Cars

We all have so much to learn from Republicans.  Rape doesn’t cause pregnancy if it was a legitimate rape.  The fetus is the largest organ in the body.  And now:  bicycles cause more pollution than cars.

This scientific breakthrough comes to us from state Rep. Ed Orcutt (R—Washington).  Yes, even liberal Washington has its share of wingtards.  Actually, his arguments make a certain amount of sense, IF you put on your Republican Goggles and tighten them to the max:

“If I am not mistaken, a cyclists [sic] has an increased heart rate and respiration. That means that the act of riding a bike results in greater emissions of carbon dioxide from the rider. Since CO2 is deemed to be a greenhouse gas and a pollutant, bicyclists are actually polluting when they ride.”

Oh My God.  Do you realize what this means???  Exercise — in any form — is ruining our atmosphere.  We’ve been so misguided all along, blaming fossil fuels for air pollution and climate change.  The real problem is those damn bicyclists, joggers, skateboarders, power walkers — and anybody who plays sports or works out.

The best way to protect the atmosphere is to stay firmly rooted to the couch.  And drink lots of cold beer so you won’t sweat.  And lose the organic fibrous foods.  If you’re all bloated and constipated from eating nothing but meat and starch, you won’t be cutting any of those ozone-depleting farts.