GOP: A “Mainstream” Nominee for Supreme Court

With a perfectly straight face — they must be world champion poker players — Republican leaders have said they want a “mainstream” nominee for the upcoming Supreme Court vacancy, and they will filibuster the nominee only under “extraordinary circumstances.”

Trouble is — who is mainstream enough to suit the party of teabaggers, birthers, racists and Salem Witchhunters? There just aren’t enough Real Americans out there.

Clement Haynsworth, Harold Carswell, George Wallace, Bull Connor — Dead.

Robert Bork — too old and too bitter.

James Dobson, Sarah Palin, Fred Phelps — damn it, none of them are lawyers.

Republicans recited their usual soundbite about “judges legislating from the bench.”

Jeff Sessions (R—KKK) said: “If we have a nominee that evidences a philosophy of judges know best, that they can amend the Constitution by saying it has evolved, and effectuate agendas, then we're going to have a big fight about that because the American people don't want that.”

Two questions:

1. How the fuck does he know what “the American people” don’t want? He’s obviously projecting his own backyard onto America as a whole. This method isn't very reliable, especially in this case. Most Americans continued their schooling after the fourth grade, can find Canada and Mexico on a map, and were born of parents who weren’t cousins or siblings.

2. Where was this dildo when the Supreme Court recently made their “Bribery Is Now Completely Legal” ruling?