Joe Arpaio to Announce Findings on Obama’s Birth Certificate...drumroll...

On March 1st, Americans will finally get The Answer to the most burning issue on everyone’s mind:  Was President Barack Hussein Obama born in the United States?

That date again is March 1st — next Thursday — so check your TV listings.  On that date, Arizona’s favorite inbred, “Sheriff” Joe Arpaio, will be holding a  press conference to let us know whether or not that Kenyan Muslim Communist occupying the White House was actually born here.

Arpaio has had a team of five specialists working on this Earth-shaking issue for the past year.  (YOUR tax dollars at work.)  And in just eight days, we’ll finally know.  Eight whole days!  Isn’t the nail-biting suspense just killing you?!?!?!?

Republicans can’t campaign on Obama’s “failed” economy since things are gradually improving.  (The improvement is too slow, but the trends are upward.)  Poll after poll shows the public disagreeing with the Republican agenda of gutting the safety net and reducing taxes for millionaires.  Republicans have trotted out their favorite Culture War icons — birth control, screaming fetuses, the Homosexual Agenda — and they’ve all gone over like a lead balloon.

What to do?  Eureka!  Let’s dust off the old “He wasn’t even born in this country” “Show us your birth certificate!” soundbites, in one last-ditch frantic effort to get the base all riled up.  (See lead balloon from the previous paragraph.)