The Republican Guide to Hispanic and Asian Stereotypes

Unfortunately, these swarthy creatures vote.  We’re working frantically to fix that problem, but in the meantime, here is our how-to guide.  If you want to pander to these icky minorities and con them into voting Republican, this is what you need to know:

Hispanics are the model minority.  They’re brilliant at math — each and every one of them — but they can’t drive.  And don’t be fooled by their mild-mannered politeness; they all have a black belt in one of those martial arts.

Asians:  well, what can you say?  All they want to do is get bombed on tequila and then lie around all day with that stupid sombrero covering their faces.  They all have quick fiery tempers — must be from eating all those red hot burritos — and each and every one of them carries a switchblade.

OK, if you’re a conservative politician and you’re trying to pander to these lowly furriners, these guidelines will help you to —

OOPS.