Republicans’ Plan for the Economy

No smirking now; they really do have one. This brilliant new strategy combines two of the biggest Republican trademarks:

1. Attacking a problem by squelching the symptoms instead of correcting the underlying cause; and

2. Their utter fascination with conducting random drug tests on everybody, everywhere, all the time. There’s something about staring into a jar of urine that absolutely mesmerizes Republicans.

Well, that’s it. You’ve seen their plan. Isn’t is great? So far they’ve only applied this two-pronged battle plan to those whiny parasites who apply for unemployment benefits. But this is just the beginning. Think of the savings. That commie in the White House wants to spend trillions of dollars creating jobs and smothering our free enterprise system with those cumbersome regulations.

But the Republican alternative won’t cost taxpayers a dime. That’s because those unemployed potsmoking leeches will have to pay for these drug tests themselves. Gotcha!

And think of the potential for this approach. It’s unlimited. Do we want to spend trillions of dollars on socialized medicine? Hell No! From now on, when some pansy starts moaning about “I haven’t taken a piss for three days and my lower back hurts. I need to go to the ER” — Not so fast, Whiny! Deal with it! Or, you can piss into this jar. (Oh that’s right, you can’t.)

OK, we’ve saved trillions and trillions of dollars by getting rid of socialized medicine and trouncing that wacky leftwing notion about jobs being created by the government.

Law enforcement is another area that’s draining our treasury. How about this — if you call the police to report a crime, you have to take a drug test. And if you get arrested — for any reason, even if it’s just a traffic stop — drug test.

Same goes for the fire department. God only knows how many false alarms our firefighters have answered because some drug-addled welfare chiseler was lying on the couch and “thought” he saw a fire. Well, we know how to fix this little problem now — don’t we.

If this twofold plan is successful, the 2010 election will be a shoe-in for the Republicans to take back Congress. Republican campaign slogan for 2010: “So many urine samples to stare at, so little time.”

Favorite Republican pickup line: “PSSSST — hey baby, you into water sports? And I’m not talking about swimming and boating [wink]”

cross-posted at Bring It On!