Todd Akin Snubbed by Family Research Council

OUCH!  Imagine being too Bible-humpy and snake-handly for the Family Research Council.  As George Costanza would say, “That’s gotta hurt!”

Or in the words of Seth Meyers, “That’s like the president of the chess club calling YOU  a nerd.”

Tony Perkins and his Family Research Council are hosting their annual Values Voter Summit this weekend.  Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin had been announced as one of the attendees at this annual Spanish Inquisition re-enactment.  And then suddenly, it was announced that Todd Akin would NOT be attending.

Paul Ryan, however, WILL be attending.

The rift between Todd Akin and the rest of the GOP is too phony for words.  This is what happens when a political campaign is based on nothing but talking points which must be repeated word for word 24/7.  Everyone must stay On Message at all times.  Or Else.

The Republican Party Platform calls for a ban on all abortions — no exceptions.  Most high-profile Republicans agree with the platform.  And Todd Akin agrees with the platform.  The only thing separating Todd Akin from the rest of the Talibangelical wing of the GOP is Akin’s “legitimate rape” comment.  That’s all.

Todd Akin’s one careless comment has caused the Republican Party to drop him like a hot potato.  The Republican Party Platform says “Tweedledeedumdeedah” and Todd Akin said “Tweedledeedumdeedoo.”

NO!!!  Get it right, you IDIOT!!!

This is an Outrage!  How DARE he say anything so shocking?!?  Todd Akin went off message, and he has thereby capsized the GOP’s tightly choreographed synchronized swimming routine.  He’s out!

It’ll be interesting to see what other rightwing fringe groups start shunning Todd Akin.

Family Research Council Urges Death to Corrupt Bankers

Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council has been raining fire and brimstone on sinners everywhere.  Apparently he takes this stuff pretty seriously.  He’s asking ministers across the country to sign a letter that states, in part:  “…We believe that ‘the wages of sin is death’ (Rom. 6:23)…”

The linked article doesn’t specifically mention usury, but that’s presumably what Tony Perkins is referring to.  After all, usury — the charging of excessive interest rates — is mentioned repeatedly in the Bible.  And not in a good way.

The Bible has passage after passage after passage about  usury.  Here are just a few examples:

“ If you lend money to any of My people who are poor among you, you shall not be like a moneylender to him; you shall not charge him interest.”

“ If one of your brethren becomes poor, and falls into poverty among you, then you shall help him, like a stranger or a sojourner, that he may live with you.  Take no usury or interest from him; but fear your God, that your brother may live with you.  You shall not lend him your money for usury, nor lend him your food at a profit.”

“If he has exacted usury Or taken increase — Shall he then live? He shall not live! If he has done any of these abominations, He shall surely die; His blood shall be upon him.”

Boy, is He strict!

Now of course the Bible also has the odd passage here and there that warns against eating shellfish, coveting your neighbor’s wife, being homosexual, working on the Sabbath, yada yada…

But with page after page of warnings not to practice usury, that has to be what Tony Perkins is talking about.  Well Tony, the banking industry is full of sinners.  Go get ‘em!

“Newt Gingrich is like the Italian Cruise Ship Captain”

ZING!!!

I hate to actually agree on something with Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council.  But you know what they say about a broken clock being right twice a day.

Tony Perkins said:

“I think, especially in the evangelical community, they understand the issue of forgiveness.  But that does not necessarily translate into endorsing for leadership.  When you look at the captain of the Costa Concordia, the guy who abandoned his responsibility — I mean, who’s going to put him in charge of a cruise ship again? I’m not getting on that cruise ship.”

And come to think of it, there are some other parallels between Newt Gingrich and Captain Francesco Schettino of the Costa Concordia captain.  For instance:

Newt Gingrich’s reason for presenting his first wife with divorce papers while she was in the hospital undergoing cancer treatments:  he was overcome by an uncontrollable patriotic love for America.

The reason Captain Francesco Schettino deserted the sinking Costa Concordia:  he tripped and fell into a lifeboat.

Now what if these two wiggly slippery creatures switched places?  If Captain Francesco Schettino took Newt Gingrich's place on the campaign trail  — could anyone tell the difference?

The Values Voter Summit: Exclusive Coverage

If you’re an upstanding Real American, you already know that the Values Voter Summit is being held today through Sunday at the Omni Shoreham Hotel in Washington, D.C.  Most of the GOP presidential candidates will be there, plus a lot of other conservative VIPs.

The Values Voter Summit is being sponsored by the Family Research Council and the American Family Association.  These Godfearing organizations will be warning their audience about the evils of abortion, socialism and the Homosexual Agenda.

Eric Cantor and John Boehner have already spoken.  Later today the audience will get a chance to hear Steve “my nail polish isn’t dry yet” King, Rick Perry and Laura Ingraham.

Tomorrow’s speakers include Glenn Beck, Mitt Romney and Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association.  And tomorrow afternoon there will be a lecture titled Why Christians Should Support Israel Even Though We Hate Jews.

Sunday morning will feature a worship service led by Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council.


Be there.

The Mount Vernon Statement

Don’t these rightwing dickwads have anything else to do? They’re already rewriting the Bible to get rid of all that whiny liberal bias. No, Jesus wasn’t some long-haired hippie with delicate facial features, and no he didn’t drive the moneylenders from the temple. He had short hair, steely eyes, wore a Brooks Brothers suit and had regular business conferences with the aforementioned financial consultants.

And now — the Mount Vernon Statement. Come on now, click on the link. It’s futile to resist. If it doesn’t destroy you it’ll make you stronger. You won’t know whether to laugh, cry, swear at the top of your lungs, hit the computer — or all of the above.

Basically, the Mount Vernon Statement says America is being attacked from within by godless liberals who want to destroy our values, and our Founding Fathers are spinning in their graves.

Judging by the wording of the document and who signed it, they should have just called it Son of Project For A New American Century.

Signers include Grover Norquist, Tony Perkins (of Family Research Council infamy) and Edwin Meese. Who even knew Edwin Meese was still alive? If you’re under 45 you’re probably thinking “Who??!?!?!?”

He was Ronald Reagan’s attorney general. He shared Reagan’s schizophrenic political viewpoint — massive crackdowns on drugs, dirty magazines and other victimless crimes, and “limited government.”

One of his most famous quotes was: “You don't have many suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect.”

He also — remember now, schizophrenics don’t know they’re schizophrenic — complained repeatedly about being “tried and convicted by the press” (he was up to his eyeballs in the Iran-Contra scandal).

Here’s a link to the Mount Vernon Statement itself and everyone who signed it.