Iraq: We’re NEVER EVER Gonna Leave!!! BWAAHAAHAAHAAA!!!

Might as well cut to the chase. Most of the presidential candidates either don’t know this, or they're pretending not to know: Our troops will be staying and staying and staying in Iraq. We may not be there permanently, but we’re gonna be there for a long looong time.

Presidential contenders are all claiming they have a surefire plan for getting us out of Iraq honorably and on “schedule” (whatever that means). But General Petraeus is saying otherwise, and nobody wants to admit this. His “surge” plan calls for American troops to be hogtied in Iraq for the next ten years. Five years would be the minimum; but ten (maybe more) years seems much more likely. And it’s not gonna be pretty.

Petraeus’ predecessor, Gen. George Casey, had planned on about 60,000 American soldiers remaining in Iraq by 2008. And these soldiers would be cloistered on four giant “superbases” where they'd be relatively safe.

Now — Under New Management — 160,000 American troops will be stationed in hundreds of “mini-forts” all over Iraq. And they’ll be right in the line of fire. Casualties will be higher than ever.

Iraqis are about to “stand up so we can stand down”????? Riiight. Be sure to ask for a left-handed monkey wrench and a skyhook on your way to picking up that bridge you bought at our special price.

One of the Army’s top experts in Irregular Warfare said “This is the right strategy: small mini-packets of U.S. troops all over, small ‘oil spots’ [of stability] spreading out. It’s classic counterinsurgency. But it’s high risk and it’s going to take a long time.”

Well isn’t that special. Come on White House wannabes and Congressional “leaders” (if you're out there). What do you have to say about this?

Earth to Republicans: You Lost

We've all seen articles saying that clueless people have no idea that they're clueless. The person who makes the most Godawful chili in the free world always says “oh, the so-and-so’s are coming over; I’ll make my chili.” Etc. Sometimes it seems that Republicans are unaware that they lost the election last November. Consequently they're continuing the same behavior that caused the public to fire them three months ago.

The House has finally had a chance to vote on the nonbinding resolution against an Iraqi “surge.” The resolution passed, 246 to 182. But Republican “leaders” were continually squelching the possibility of even voting on it. What are they afraid of? Iraqmire is probably the biggest single cause of the Republicans’ defeat. And yet they tried to suppress a nonbinding vote on whether to keep on digging deeper into the hole we’re stuck in. Helllooo!!!

Grand Inquisitor Attorney General Torquemada “Alberto” Gonzales has been infuriating the public for years with one power grab after another. Congress has finally attempted to deal with his latest gimmick — firing federal prosecutors for no reason and replacing them with people whose politics he likes better. Diane Feinstein introduced a bill to counter this latest power grab by Gonzales, and Republicans have blocked the bill. What are they thinking?

Last Fall’s election should've been a wake-up call for the American Taliban (Religious Right, Biblehumpers, whatever you want to call them). The vote was an obvious sign that the public DOES NOT want to turn the clock back to the 4th century. The idea that human life is sacred up to the moment of birth (but not beyond); that there's a “homosexual agenda” which threatens to bring America to its knees; that a 2-year-old child could turn gay from watching the Teletubbies on TV — the public trounced those wackoid/sicko ideas last November. This should've been obvious to everyone.

But NOOOOO!!! Apparently, any Republican presidential contender who wants even a prayer of getting the nomination, must get in bed — get down, get funky, get kinky — with Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and James Dobson. And they’ll be put through their paces. If they can do the smarmy kiss-ass politician’s equivalent of picking up a quarter with their ***BLEEP — this phrase has been censored in case any women or children are reading *** then maybe, just maybe, the Grand Poobah will consider them. But first they’ll have to dance. And squirm. And twist. And ***BLEEP*********

Sorry, but the American Taliban’s stranglehold on the political landscape ain't quite what it used to be. John Q. Public understands this (Hell, s/he was shouting it from the rooftops last November), but apparently some Republican White House contenders don’t get it yet. Any Republican with presidential ambitions who thinks he can go down on Jerry Falwell, James Dobson and Pat Robertson and then get right back out on the campaign trail and say “Hi, I’m a moderate Republican” — two words. Clueless. Unelected.

Republicans must secretly enjoy being the minority party. Because at the rate they're going, they're gonna stay that way for a looong time.