Who Hijacked Our Country

Friday, February 04, 2005

It Got Confirmed

Spines and consciences were displayed by 36 Democrats and zero Republicans in the Senate yesterday. It was a good fight, but Alberto “Ve Haf Vays of Making You Talk” Gonzales has been confirmed as the country’s top law enforcement officer.

Gonzales now has the second highest number of “no” votes of any successfully-confirmed attorney general. The all time record is held by his predecessor, John Ashcroft, who had 42 votes against him in 2001.

A Hispanic senator from Florida said “this is a breakthrough of incredible magnitude for Hispanic-Americans.” He also called Gonzales “a role model for the next generation.” Hmmm, well, it depends on what this next generation will be aspiring to. Are electrodes and waterboards going to be standard equipment in all of our public schools?

Senator Charles Schumer expressed concern that Gonzales’ blind loyalty to Bush might hinder his job performance as attorney general. He said “In short, Judge Gonzales still seems to see himself as counsel to the president, not attorney general, the chief law enforcement officer of the land.”

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Bush’s State of the Union message was so much more bland and composed than last year’s speech, I wasn’t even planning to write about it. It was almost disappointing that he didn’t repeat the over-the-top, foaming-at-the-mouth approach of his 2004 speech.

There weren’t any surprises; he pretty much just re-emphasized all of his previous positions. The Iraqi elections have validated him as one of the greatest humanitarian leaders of all time; Social Security will bankrupt the nation if we don’t Act Now; etc.

And of course it’ll be simple to fix our ailing health care system: every single problem can be traced right back to those useless parasites who file medical malpractice claims.

By the way, can anyone confirm whether Dennis Hastert is still alive? There was an embalmed, catatonic human-looking something or other that looked exactly like him, seated behind Bush throughout his speech. But it never moved, blinked or twitched once during the entire speech. Anybody know?

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