Interior Secretary Apologizes over Polar Bear Listing

Don’t misunderstand. He wasn’t apologizing because he spent months and months dithering and sleazing and hiding and cowering and avoiding the issue. And he wasn’t apologizing for listing the Polar Bear as Threatened instead of Endangered.

Nope. Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne was getting the third degree from one of his fellow rightwads. Glen Beck — Union Boss of Mouthbreathers’ Local #571 — was asking Kempthorne why he caved in to those F#$%&!# treehuggers over the Polar Bear listing.

Kempthorne sputtered out: “Well, I’ll tell you, unfortunately I have to follow the law.”

After that, Kempthorne tried to boost his cred with the Wingtard community. He bragged that during his years as a governor and senator he kept trying to sabotage the Endangered Species Act, but Goddamnit we’re still stuck with it.

Here is the entire transcript of Glen Beck’s May 15th program, in case you're in the mood for torturing yourself. If you plan on reading any of it, be sure you have a supply of your favorite drug on hand.

Oh My F#$%&^@!$!! God! Who listens to this shit anyway?

cross-posted at Bring It On!

Burma Cyclone Tragedy versus Katrinagate

It’s tempting to compare the immeasurable tragedy in Burma/Myanmar to the New Orleans devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina. After all there are plenty of parallels.

Both were natural tragedies (“Acts of God” if you prefer) which caused untold loss of life and massive homelessness. (Yes I know the deaths in Myanmar were many many times higher than the deaths in New Orleans. I’m taking some leeway…)

And both tragedies were made immeasurably worse by the pathetic spastic “response” of a useless corrupt festering government.

But let’s be fair to the dictatorship in Myanmar. There’s at least one crucial difference between these two tragedies: the junta in Myanmar has warned against profiteering from the misery. There’ll be no Disaster Capitalism here, thank you very much. If you want to pull that kind of sleazy amoral shit, go to America.

This means: Blackwater — stay the fuck away.

cross-posted at Bring It On!

Bob Barr for President

Run Bob Run!

At last! Now, conservatives have a CHOICE! As they say on the Right, the White House is currently being fought over by two Democrats and a Communist.

Let’s face it, McCain is just another Big Government tax-and-spend liberal. He even sponsored legislation for Communist Indoctrination Campaign Finance Reform! Sure he’s “changed his mind” now, but can we ever trust him again?

McCain has been divorced and remarried. And that’s not all — he swears and takes the Lord’s name in vain. Are these the Family Values we want in the White House?

On the other hand, Bob Barr was one of the ringleaders of Bill Clinton’s impeachment. He spoke for millions of decent Americans when he expressed his shock — horror! — that the President of the United States could have an affair.

And now Bob Barr is running for President. [swoon] Finally, we have a chance to elect a president who stands for Family Values and Limited Government.

In 2000, liberals had a real choice — Ralph Nader. Conservatives only had one option: Republican George W. Bush. And we all know there’s no difference between the two parties. But millions of liberals were able to assuage their consciences by voting for their ideal candidate.

And now it’s our turn. Millions of us will have a chance to vote for Libertarian Bob Barr instead of Republican Lite McCain. Isn’t this great?!?!?!?!?

Check out this hilarious video: Sean “Dude Where’s My Forehead” Hannity throwing a hissyfit at Bob Barr.

cross-posted at Bring It On!

Monsanto: Wanted for Murder in India

Well, technically it isn’t murder. And Monsanto isn’t the only culprit; they’re just the biggest.

Tens of thousands of farmers in India have committed suicide during the past few years. A large part of the problem is Monsanto’s increasing stranglehold on the world’s seed supply. Their patented seeds cost three times as much as most other seeds.

But the neatest thing about these seeds (if you’re a Monsanto executive) is that they’re designed to self-destruct at the end of the growing season. Farmers are no longer able to save their own seeds for the next planting. Now they have to buy new seeds every year — a huge expense if you’re already teetering on the edge.

Predatory bankers are the other half of the equation. Their loans and interest rates are practically guaranteed to be impossible for the farmers to repay. And then the banks get to seize their land.

One local moneylender agreed to be interviewed anonymously. He was pretty blunt: “It’s not a nice business. But you earn a lot of money. When we loan them money, we are quite sure whether or not they can pay. We know it’s going to be our land eventually.”

cross-posted at Bring It On!

Sometimes It’s Perfectly Legal to be a Douchebag

And here to demonstrate this fact is the winner of our annual Inbred Knuckledragging Lowlife of the Year award. (If the link doesn't work, here are some others.)

This sounds like a sick comedy skit, except that it’s just sick — not funny — and it really did happen. You couldn’t possibly make this up.

Try to imagine this: you’re standing there frantically screaming for your dog to come back as he/she runs out in front of a car and gets hit. Killed. And the next thing you know, the driver is suing YOU because your dead dog damaged his car. WTF???

Jeffery Ely of Cloquet, MN is the winner of the above award. A Miniature Pinscher dashed in front of his car as he was driving by, at the posted speed limit. Accidents happen.

But Ely supposedly discovered some damage to his car afterward, and he filed a lawsuit against the dog’s owners. He said they owed him $1,100 for damage to the front end of his car and for the time he missed from work in order to deal with car repairs.

No doubt he was sorely missed at his place of employment. “Cleanup on Aisle Seven. Damnit, where the hell is that F$%&!# Ely?!?”

Oh, and the dog weighed thirteen pounds. A 13-pound dog caused over a thousand dollars worth of damage to a car? Asshole!

A judge has dismissed the lawsuit. But still…How low can somebody go?

A final sick/funny twist to this story: Jeffery Ely is now claiming that the publicity from this incident has ruined his reputation.

cross-posted at Bring It On!

Conservatives Are Happier Than Liberals

Of course they are. Ignorance is bliss.

Seriously though, this article only deals with one aspect of the liberal/conservative divide: whether or not government should be involved in the economy.

This used to be one of the main differences between the two parties. Republicans believe in individual freedom and responsibility, with a limited role for government. Democrats believe in a larger government that helps the needy and protects people against unscrupulous business practices.

As far as this issue is concerned, it makes sense that economic conservatives would be happier than liberals. The article says conservatives are better at rationalizing economic inequalities. The people who scored highest on the happiness scale were the ones who agreed with these statements:

“It is not really that big a problem if some people have more of a chance in life than others;” and

“This country would be better off if we worried less about how equal people are.”

But “free enterprise” vs. “too much government meddling” is no longer the main issue. The Conservative “Limited Government” umbrella now includes a shitload of rightwing knuckledragging wackjobs, and their ideal government is about as “limited” as the supply of salt in the Pacific Ocean.

Warmongers, xenophobes, racists: guess which party these losers are aligned with. Are they happy? And who’s gonna build that multi-billion dollar high tech fence around our entire border so we can keep them icky furriners out — a “limited” government?

As we speak, our small “hands-off” government is pouring hundreds of billions of tax dollars into an endless war; and similar wars are being planned. And since 9/11 our “limited” government has unleashed the Patriot Act and other Big Brother atrocities that should infuriate the traditional Conservative.

We’re all familiar with those ubiquitous rightwing talking heads, columnists and bloggers whose sole reason for existence is: Fear! Paranoia! They’re coming to get us! If we pull out of Iraq there’ll be a bloodbath! Those Islamofascists are gonna come over here and kill us as soon as we turn our backs! You don’t support our troops! You hate America!

Do these people sound happy to you?

And take these hate-spewing gaybashing Biblehumpers (please!). Guess which party panders to them. Are they happy? And who would enforce all of the anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-birth control, anti-everything laws that these assholes are clamoring for? A “limited” government? A private company?

cross-posted at Bring It On!

“Steal This Book” — the Sequel

Now intellectually — rationally — I know this is just plain wrong. It’s WRONG! But Goddamnit, my Inner Sickfuck thinks it's hilarious.

Across the country, thousands of high-ranking executives have been receiving bogus e-mails pretending to be a subpoena. If this person clicks on a link in the e-mail, he/she will be downloading spyware that allows hackers to access passwords and other private company information. Gotcha!

Isn’t this already common knowledge? I thought everybody who knows how to click a mouse had already heard thousands of warnings. Don’t open an e-mail if you don’t recognize the sender’s name. Don’t click on any links that you’re not 100% sure of, or you might be downloading some malicious software. Etc.

Where have these VIPs been? And what are they gonna do next, walk across the street without looking both ways? Wash their hands and then turn off the bathroom light switch while their hands are still wet?

My guess is, when you rise to a certain high level, you get so used to being pampered and coddled and sheltered and babysat by a slew of underlings that you can’t even wipe your ass any more. (Anybody hear Lewis Black’s monologue about hiring a ballwasher? But I digress.)

About the title of this post: If you’re younger than a certain age (mid to late 40s maybe), “Steal This Book” is probably just some meaningless phrase. If you’re old enough, Steal This Book will bring back those halcyon memories of anti-Vietnam war demonstrations, acid rock, blacklight posters, and various drugs that went hand in hand with those last two items.

It was Abbie Hoffman’s most popular book — hundreds of ways for an angry revolutionary to fight the Fascist Power Structure by ripping off The Man (using a little ‘60s terminology). It’s an entertaining book, as dated as it is. (Yes I bought a used copy of the book a few years ago.)

And now Abbie Hoffman can smile from his grave: hijack an executive’s computer and steal all sorts of secret corporate information. A few years ago Spin Magazine had an article about Hacktivism: politically-conscious computer hackers using their skills for noble political goals. I don’t remember reading or hearing anything else about it since that article, but maybe it’s finally catching on.

Instead of phishing, this article uses the term Whaling. Phishing generally means sending out zillions of bogus e-mails, hoping that a certain percentage of gullible people will fall for that scam or click on that link. Whaling means going after a certain big fish — for instance the CEO of a certain company.

VIPs have done a brilliant job of shielding themselves from the real world. They can totally block out the riffraff while they’re being chauffeured around from the gated community to the boardroom to the yacht club. But they have an Achilles Heel — their computers.

cross-posted at Bring It On!

Federal Reserve Finally Does What Congress Won’t Do

Thank God for our system of checks and balances. For the past seven years, Congress has been having an ongoing orgy with the banking industry. And now, finally, the Federal Reserve is about to step in and do Congress’ job for them. Somebody has to do it.

The “legislative” process has pretty much deteriorated into a giant whorehouse on Capitol Hill, with our Congressional prostitutes “representatives” spreading their legs for the industries they’re supposedly “regulating.”

The Federal Reserve, the National Credit Union Administration and the Office of Thrift Supervision are working cooperatively to do what our bought and paid for “elected” government won’t do.

This will be the most far-reaching crackdown on the credit industry in several decades. They’ll be putting limits on some of the credit card industry’s favorite sleaze tactics that we’re all too familiar with:

Two-cycle billing, where there’s an interest charge even during a month when you aren’t carrying a balance.

Deceptive advertising — that bold 68-font headline screams “0% interest!” and the .01 font sentence on page 73 says “interest rate may go up to 999% after three months.”

Retroactively raising the interest rate on existing balances. (Under the new proposal, banks could still raise rates retroactively if the cardholder is at least 30 days late with a payment.)

This new law will also prohibit credit card companies from raising a customer’s interest rate for reasons unrelated to the account. A late payment on a different credit card, or even making a large purchase on another credit card that’s within the credit limit — these have all been popular (and legal!) excuses for jacking up a customer’s interest rates. No more.

Like any wealthy john whose expensive orgy was suddenly interrupted, the banking industry is indignant. The American Bankers Association has ordered their mascot, Ken Clayton, to tell reporters: “This is a very aggressive regulatory intervention in the marketplace that will lead to higher prices and less credit options for everyday consumers.”

The banking industry is concerned about everyday consumers — how touching.

cross-posted at Bring It On!

“Limited Government” — Oklahoma-Style

Every time you think those knuckledragging fetus-worshippers couldn’t possibly sink any lower, they do. You probably thought they were already as vicious and ruthless as anyone could get, but now they’ve come up with a new jugular tactic.

The Oklahoma state legislature has passed a new anti-abortion law, over the governor’s veto. With this new law (Senate Bill 1878), Oklahoma legislators have pretty much transformed themselves into doctors. They don’t have medical licenses or anything like that, but that won’t stop them from “treating” those evil witches who want to terminate that sacred God-given life blossoming inside them.

Every woman who wants an abortion is now required to undergo an ultrasound exam first. Back in the old days — when medicine was practiced by doctors instead of legislators — a DOCTOR would decide which type of ultrasound to perform: abdominal or vaginal. But now, this decision will be made by the Spanish Inquisition Oklahoma legislature. Whichever type of ultrasound gives the clearest image of the fetus is the type that WILL be performed. Period. This decision will no longer be made by the doctor or the patient.

Any doctor who performs an abortion without first performing an ultrasound exam is facing a fine of up to $100,000 and possible loss of his/her physician’s license.

$100,000 fine — now let’s have a little Oklahoma perspective here: The state’s highest fine for Driving Under the Influence is $1,000. Doesn’t this seem just a little bit out of proportion?

Actually no. After all, drunk drivers only kill people who have already been born. And as all snakehandling mouthbreathers know, human life is sacred from the point of conception until the moment of birth.

Those Oklahoma douchebags need to be prosecuted for practicing medicine without a license.

cross-posted at Bring It On!

Happy Mission Accomplished Day

Yes, our little Cakewalk is five years old today. Democracy is flowering in the Middle East. The American economy is booming.

And America’s global image is better than ever. When Saddam Hussein was getting ready to take over the world, most countries just sat there cowering. But not us! We marched right in there and did what needed doing. We seized those Weapons of Mass Destruction (and just in time!).

We delivered a knockout punch to al Qaeda, who had been helping Saddam with his evil plans. And then we left. And we’ve been the world’s heroes ever since.

And how about those rock-bottom gas prices. I’ll have to admit (sheepishly), five and a half years ago I thought it was a little tacky to invade a country just for their huge oil supply. But Hot Damn, it was worth it!

Booming economy, the world’s adoration, an endless supply of cheap oil — liberating Iraq was the greatest thing we ever did. It’s just too bad that George W. Bush has so little time left in office. Can’t we get rid of that pesky 22nd Amendment? If only Bush could have another four years — Hell, make it eight — [swooning] just think of the wonders he could perform.

During this period of unparalleled harmony among Americans, let’s have a look at how some people are celebrating Mission Accomplished Day.

cross-posted at Bring It On!