Who Hijacked Our Country

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Satan Drives a Ford

As upstanding Godfearing members of Wildeyed Dimwitted Biblehumpers, it’s our job to protect decent citizens against sin and depravity wherever we find it (and we’re always, always looking). We’ve already exposed Walt Disney for the vicious pervert that he was. Thanks to our vigilance, everybody knows that behind all that childlike innocence lurks: Sodom and Gomorrah!

Soon Carl’s Jr. will feel the wrath of God for that wicked TV commercial featuring a scantily clad actress devouring a juicy hamburger and spilling sauce all over her half-naked body. I spent 20 minutes staring and drooling over that writhing gyrating luscious voluptuous We were appalled at that cheap distasteful display. I just wish to God I could just lick some of that Decent churchgoing citizens will have nothing to do with such filth.

And now it’s time to ask: What would Satan drive? A Ford!! Yes, friends and neighbors, the Ford Motor Company is another wolf in sheep’s clothing. Behind that respectable corporate exterior, this company’s true clients are: Homasexials! Ford Motor Company is trying to promote their Agenda. Here, in the Christian Nation of America!

Ford Motor Company is using that famous buzzword of the godless left: Diversity. Red flag! “Diversity” is a code word for gay acceptance, gay marriage. Gay couples running amok in the streets, doing God-knows-what right in front of the children, ruining our cherished values. Our mentor, the Rev. Donald Wildmon, has told us that Ford is “the company which has done the most to affirm and promote the homosexual lifestyle.” And you, naïve reader, thought they only wanted to sell cars.

Our zombies dedicated soldiers are also boycotting Mary Kay Cosmetics and Old Navy stores. Those two businesses are advertising their products on that seductive mmmmhh sexy I’m so jealous horrible, indecent “Desperate Housewives.”

Please check the websites of our affiliates, Snake Handlers 'R' Us and Bring Back the Salem Witch Trials for the latest information on encroaching evil and how you can prevent it.

One can never be too righteous or too sanctimonious. There is so much wickedness out there, but with the help of all decent Americans, we can seek it out and destroy it.


Blogger Nariel said...

You know, I wonder.. have these people never realized you can turn OFF the TV?
Or like the Anabaptist churches.. simply not OWN one?

Why does everyone ELSE in the world have to abide by what these one million persons think, rather then them just simply turning off their television and doing whatever else flips their switch? Its ridiculous, if you ask them they would rather see TV from the 50's. V-CHIP folks.. that all you need.. that and a remote to shut it OFF if it offends you... argggggh!

June 2, 2005 at 5:21 AM  
Blogger erinberry said...

Didn't you know? The gay agenda is taking over the world! I thought my gay friends just wanted to live together in peace and quiet and have legal protection, but actually they are part of a huge conspiracy to turn everyone in the entire world gay! It will mean the extinction of the human race! AAAARRRRGGGHHH!

June 2, 2005 at 6:09 AM  
Blogger Jet said...

Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh.

June 2, 2005 at 6:30 AM  
Blogger frstlymil said...

So that wickedness in my soul is because I drive a Ford Contour?!?!? Well, shoot - and here I thought I was simply "buying American"...but it's really because I want everyone to be Gay? (Well, actually I do, in terms of the original definition of the word but people don't want that either, so....)..I think my next car will have to be the Ford Hybrid Escape - then I'll be sure to be offending just about everyone.

June 2, 2005 at 8:43 AM  
Blogger Brother Kenya said...

Tom, Your snark is positively palpable.

June 2, 2005 at 9:58 AM  
Anonymous Tom Harper said...

Patricia: I have no idea what these people are thinking. I have my own beliefs (as everyone does) and I can't imagine what it would be like to go ballistic because someone else disagrees with me (especially with intangible things like religion and philosophy). Just a totally different mindset I guess. They can think what they want as long as they stay out of other people's faces.

Erinberry: Oh yeah, them homasexials are gonna git us. There's no escape; their Agenda is taking over.

Jet: Thanks.

Frstlymil: Yeah, if you drive a Ford Hybrid that would mean you're one of those treehuggers who whines about the environment, plus being part of the Gay Agenda. You won't be safe anywhere.

Brother Kenya: Thanks. I try.

June 2, 2005 at 10:18 AM  
Blogger Ken Grandlund said...

I never had much luck with the two fords I owned...now i know why! those cars were gay and just wouldn't work for a breeder like me.
Or maybe ford is too busy promoting the homosexual agenda to make a quality vehicle. Hmmmmm....

Maybe I'll go buy another ford just for spite!

June 2, 2005 at 1:12 PM  
Anonymous JollyRoger said...

Bravo! You have learned your Jesusistani Protocols well! You are entitled to your choice of either (1) 14 year old Church Secretary or (1) $2500.00 bonus to be spent on street hooker "theatre" for your eyes ONLY!

June 2, 2005 at 1:58 PM  
Blogger Sar said...

Can you imagine the nerve of someone actually driving their Ford to their job at Microsoft, wearing their Mary Kay blush and sporting their old Navy cargo pants, then going to Carl's on lunchbreak? Positively sinful.

June 2, 2005 at 2:02 PM  
Blogger I.M. Dedd said...

I take the subway. Where does that fit in?

June 2, 2005 at 2:29 PM  
Blogger Catharine said...

Satan drives a Ford, but his lesser minions only make enough to drive Hyundais. We dream of the day when we have risen in the ranks of the unholy sufficiently to warrant a Ford.

Until then... we dream....


June 2, 2005 at 2:40 PM  
Blogger PATCAM2005 said...

I agree with everything that was crossed out, lol.

June 2, 2005 at 2:46 PM  
Anonymous Tom Harper said...

Ken: Yeah, that must be why Fords aren't any good. The company's too busy with that homosexual agenda to be able to make a decent car.

Jolly Roger: All right. This is the great milestone I've been working and striving for.

Sar: Then they could make it complete by watching one of those sinful Disney movies later that night. Eternal damnation guaranteed.

I.M. Dedd: The subway, hmmm, I'm sure Satan's involved in there somewhere.

Catharine: Only make enough to drive Hyundais? You're not one of those class warriors are you? The economy's doing great; W. says so :)

patcam2005: Oh yeah, the crossed out parts were my favorite. You know that's what they're really thinking behind all that fire and brimstone rhetoric.

June 2, 2005 at 4:44 PM  
Blogger beejay said...

What exactly, on Paris Hiltons entire anatomy--is voluptuous?...that's what I'd like to know!

June 2, 2005 at 8:46 PM  
Anonymous Tom Harper said...

Beejay: I don't think Paris Hilton is voluptuous or even pretty. But it's her ad for Carl's Jr. that those Biblethumpers were objecting to. So I was just satirizing what someone like that was probably thinking while they were condemning all the "filth" and "sin" that they find everywhere.

June 2, 2005 at 8:56 PM  
Blogger Kitchen Window Woman said...

I loved this one! Laughed and laughed. Henry Ford - Nazi supporter - AND - Spreader of Gay Agenda! I drive a silver Ford Taurus. I always thought it was in my genes because I was born in Detroit...I have never loved a car before but I love this one .....such a sleek design...oh, no!...it must be catching! Good taste is so Anti-Christ!...KWW

June 2, 2005 at 11:33 PM  
Anonymous Tom Harper said...

Kitchen Window Woman: Who would've ever suspected such strange bedfellows -- the Nazis and the Gay Agenda. It's a good thing we have the Christian Right to uncover all these sinister plots and save us.

June 2, 2005 at 11:52 PM  
Blogger John said...

I'm boycotting Ford.

Not because of their policies with gays though.

I'm boycotting Ford because their cars are pieces of shit.

June 3, 2005 at 4:29 AM  
Blogger ~jay said...

It never fails to amaze me the things that they have decided are "immoral..."

and yet they don't ever stop to actually, say, teach their own kids about common sense ethics, values, and real morality. People who rely on their TVs to teach their kids are BOUND to be upset with what their kids are actually learning.
Yet they don't stop to think, "Gee,maybe Jethro doesn't need to watch a full 5 hours' worth. Maybe we could teach by example instead of expecting this dern lib'rul media to do it for us and teach him all about those bad things that we'd like to marginalize by pretending they don't exist."

The sins of the fathers...

And this is largely a sin of omission.
In my opinion, it's not the media that are the sinners, it's the cons who blame the media but don't make a real effort within their own families to reinforce these values they consider so important. They'd rather not think about it, just restrict everything they can exert control over....


June 3, 2005 at 6:21 AM  
Blogger John said...

You've been tagged with a meme

June 3, 2005 at 10:38 AM  
Anonymous Tom Harper said...

John: Yeah, there's that. Whatever financial losses Ford suffers will probably be from that, and not from a religious boycott.

~jay: But it's so much easier to just set the kids down in front of the TV all day, and then strong-arm the TV stations into broadcasting only what we want. What, common sense? Personal responsibility? Nah. We only preach about that; we don't practice it.

Jay777: Sorry to be dropping the ball here, but I "untagged" myself. I'm not much of a team player. I was also tagged several posts ago, and I turned that one down too. But if it's any consolation, I also like Bela Fleck. (I'm leaving a comment at your site also.)

June 3, 2005 at 10:59 AM  
Blogger Unadulterated Underdog said...

As always, I LOVE to read about rightist double-standards. Killing innocent civilians is ok as long as it happens in a warzone. Protection of Constitutional rights counts but only for conservatives. Election recounts are bad but acceptable for Republican candidates. Activist judges are bad but conservative ones are ok. Spending tax dollars is bad except when done so by a Republican. Stem cell research is ok as long as it doesn't happen. Does anyone notice a pattern here?

June 3, 2005 at 4:15 PM  
Anonymous Bee said...

Ahhhh, Tom, it would be funny, but if you've ever been to a backwoods downhome country baptist church, you know it's how they really do tend to be.


BTW - my experience with fords: you can't kill the damn things - buy one, 10 years and 12 oil changes later, and it still won't die.

June 3, 2005 at 4:29 PM  
Anonymous Tom Harper said...

OK Democrat: Yup, those Righties definitely apply one standard to themselves and a totally different standard to everyone else. A very noticeable pattern.

Bee: Yeah, this is probably one of those things that's funny but at the same time it really isn't funny. I've found the people in the South to be very friendly, but I'd be leary of getting into any deep religious or political discussions there.

The first car I learned to drive on was a Ford Fairlane (an automatic). That car stalled a lot, and always at the most dangerous times. It almost had an evil intelligence about it. And now all these decades later, I realize it was -- Satan!

June 3, 2005 at 5:26 PM  
Blogger Trudging said...

These people need a hobby.

June 3, 2005 at 6:46 PM  
Anonymous Tom Harper said...

Trudging: Yeah, either a hobby or a life.

June 3, 2005 at 7:21 PM  
Blogger Sally said...

Figures Satan drives an American car...

June 3, 2005 at 10:21 PM  
Anonymous Tom Harper said...

Sally: Even Satan has his standards. He ain't gonna buy something from one of them furriners.

June 3, 2005 at 11:59 PM  

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