Who Hijacked Our Country

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Jesus Was A Homosexual!

Fellow Christians, you’ll need to be sitting down when you read this terrible news. It has now been proven that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was a, a, a — oh God I can’t even make myself say it — a homosexual! Say it Goddamnit, Jesus was a homosexual! The Son of God was a gristlemuncher!

The American Family Association has taken on the painful task of breaking this news to us. This incriminating photograph proves everything. All peepees and other icky un-Godly body parts have been airbrushed out of the photo, so it’s safe for viewing.

But we must all be strong and look at this photo. Look long and hard, and let the horrible meaning sink in. The rug has been pulled out from under us. Our beliefs have been shattered. Everything we know is wrong.

The Reverend Donald Wildmon needs to be commended for his bravery in sending this painful news to all of us. Please don’t shoot the messenger — the Wildomater is absolutely devastated by all of this.

But, after we’ve all grasped this awful truth, and what it all means, we must make adjustments and move on. If Jesus was a homosexual, then He was showing us the way. We must copy him. This will be a difficult change for millions of Godfearing Christians, but change we must:

Breeders are evil! Heterosexuality is just a lifestyle choice. And now we must switch and make the Right choice. Jesus said so.

22 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gristlemuncher???????????????????



Erik

May 21, 2006 at 4:04 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

That used to be one of Pete's favorite expressions. (One of his less raunchy sayings, believe it or not.)

May 21, 2006 at 7:54 PM  
Blogger Praguetwin said...

Who knew the Catholic priests were actually ahead of the game?

Now everyone else has to play catch up.

May 22, 2006 at 12:57 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Praguetwin: Yup, the priests knew this all along. They were dutifully following Jesus' example, and we were mistakenly condemning them.

May 22, 2006 at 1:08 AM  
Blogger frstlymil said...

Well, the DaVinci Code sorta puts that whole idea to rest now doesn't it? He couldn't have been gay - he married that slag Mary M. and had children that still roam the earth spreading GOD knows what cheer to those around them. Sir Ian McKellan even said so in an interview about it. And he's gay. He should know.

May 22, 2006 at 10:37 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Frstlymil: Ah yes, Jesus needed a beard and Mary M. was handy :)

It's ironic -- the American Family Association circulated that picture all over the Internet, so I just needed to have some fun with it. It was a painting by a college student, and they were trying to get everyone to send e-mails to protest the painting. I'm on their mailing list (as Sun Tsu said, "Know Your Enemy"). Some of their e-mails are so infuriating you just want to punch somebody, and some of them are so hilarious you just about spit out your drink when you're reading them; and sometimes it's both at the same time. What a bunch of sick bastards.

May 23, 2006 at 12:31 AM  
Blogger Snave said...

Aieeee!!! I took one look at the title... and I was laughing out loud! Thanks for this one!

May 23, 2006 at 11:07 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Snave: Thanks. I'm on the American Family Association's mailing list, and you can really have fun with some of their hysterical e-mails.

May 23, 2006 at 12:17 PM  
Anonymous Tyler said...

Hey guys, I think you are missing something...look a little deeper into who Jesus was, don't just shut Him out, get a bible and read it all for yourself...don't take my word for it, or anyone elses for that matter...check it out, you'll be surprised, I sure was...

October 9, 2007 at 8:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are wrong Jesus is not Gay . if you would read a book called the bible you would understand what i'm trying to say . I will be praying for you who are trying to bring Jesus out of the world by stupid pictures like that one.
a christen young girl.

November 6, 2007 at 3:05 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Anonymous: Sorry it took me so long to publish your comment. I've been on vacation and didn't have a chance to check e-mail.

In case it wasn't obvious, this post was satire. It was based on a hysterical e-mail I got from the American Family Association. They were e-mailing this picture all over the Internet, trying to stir up hysteria and fury over a painting; so I just turned their e-mail into a tongue-in-cheeck article.

I have no interest in whether Jesus was gay or not. He probably wasn't but there are at least a million more important issues to worry about. I have nothing against Christianity or any other religion, but I have nothing but contempt for groups like the American Family Association who try to tell everybody what to believe and how to live.

November 12, 2007 at 4:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

AH! That is not JESUS!!! The real Jesus lived a sinless life. HE WAS NOT GAY! For heavens sake God himself condems the act of homosexuality in the bible. READ DEUTERONOMY and JOSHUA YOURSELF. WHY DON"T YOU TRY READING THE BIBLE NEXT TIME. Read REVELATION and you'll see that EVERYBODY WILL BOW DOWN TO THE NAME OF JESUS AND CONFESS THAT HE IS THE LORD. HE IS THE KING OF KINGS AND THE LORD OF LORDS. I KNOW HIM PERSONALLY AND THAT PICTURE IS NOT JESUS. TAKE IT OFF!!!!!

May 14, 2008 at 4:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Then tell the American Family Association that they need to stop the crap!!! I understand what you're trying to say, but making jokes about it will not help. You need to tell them to stop because the church itself is starting to create an uproar, not only on the picture but against satan in general. This picture is not funny at all. It is upsetting. It makes God very upset. I will prey for you and the American Family Association that you will all see the truth of who Christ really is. Read the book of John in the bible and you will see. Ask God to make himself real to you and He will. He says ask and you will receive.
An 18 year old Christian, Man of God.

May 14, 2008 at 5:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The catholic priests are just human like us. No body is perfect. the only one who was perfect was
Jesus himself. The only reason why the catholic church is the way it is is because that it hasn't fully given their lives to Christ. If they had, things like child molestation wouldn't happen. Being a Christian does not mean joining a reliogion or church. Its about relationship. I myself am an exhomosexual and I will tell you from my own experiences that because of my desision to accept Jesus as my Liord and Savior, that He helped me get out of that lifestyle. He is known as the kindsman redemer for a reason. God loves you and He wants you to know him personally. Just accept him. It will be worth it, trust me.

An 18 year old christian, Man of God.

May 14, 2008 at 5:12 AM  
Anonymous Charl said...

YOU ARE DECEIVER SIR!!

AND YES... A CHRISTIAN CAN LOOSE HIS SALVATION... you are indeed deceived!

You must imgnore these horrifying temptations from satan

IS G-d is for us? Who could be against us?

SHALOM - GOD BLESS U AND MAY YOU FIND THE PATH BACK TO HIM AGAIN!

May 15, 2008 at 1:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bloody Idiots. Nobody can live by doing against our Lord. Definitle you all will face something very bad and that time no one can be with u and no one can help u. Be ready to face that. And Jesus second coming is soon.
Hey satan.... I just want to tell you one thing. Your times is coming to end. You will be no more. Already Jesus crushed your head. Soon He will put you in the hell. Thats your place. Be ready to see your end. Bye.

May 31, 2008 at 2:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FACE IT
JESUS WAS BISEXUAL
PRIDEEE!!
HOMOPHOBIA IS GAY
BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE,
DOESN'T MATTER THE CONDITION CUZ'
THERE IS NO CURE, EXCEPT FOR IGNORANCE, HATE...

June 9, 2008 at 3:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As I start to read the more... fanatic responses, I'm forced to throw up in my mouth a little. The sheer unthinking passion is disturbing.
Jesus aside, I think it's best said to keep your religion at home. If it weren't for people trying to shove it down our throats, we wouldn't see images like this. Thusly, I'm all for such images b/c quite frankly if you are going to force and coerce others into thinking what you think, then you deserve to be flamed. As Lewis Black said, "Those who take themselves too seriously are open to ridicule"

- from the 28 y/o Deist.

September 13, 2008 at 11:40 PM  
Anonymous Ilze-Mari said...

Ek bid vir julle!
"Here vergewe hulle, want hulle besef nie wie U werklik is nie... Wees hulle asseblief BAIE genadig... AMEN"

January 29, 2009 at 3:26 AM  
Blogger rositta said...

who said like this................

nonsence........... stupits........

October 18, 2009 at 11:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Laugh now because there's nothing funny about Hell, and that's where all you who josh about Jesus being gay are headed.... but look on the bright side, there will be plenty of homosexuals there to keep you company :)

February 15, 2010 at 6:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There will be a time when god himself askes why you would make up such a self destroying lie! And you will stand in nothing but fear! And you will be condemed to hell! Read the bible ! Repent! You just want to live life your own selfish way! God dosent force us to live for him but kindly tries to lead us his way! Is it too much for yoU??? Hes not asking us to do nothing but pray and worship him! Hes asking us to live a joyful merry hearted life in him! I know theres something telling you what your doing is wrong! Stop because your end is HELL! but satan is just trying to use you and put these thoughts and things for other ppl to beleive! I pray that u turn away from this and give your life to god! Read the bible! GOD BLESS YOU!

July 21, 2010 at 1:03 PM  

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