Who Hijacked Our Country

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Cuba: We Want Our Colony Back

Before we were so rudely interrupted, we owned a tropical island paradise, right here in our own backyard. This little "interruption" has been going on for forty-seven years now. Enough is enough!

For the past forty-seven years, decent Americans have been praying (e.g. “what the fuck are You waiting for???”) for an end to this un-American monstrosity at our doorstep. Now that Castro is either dead or near death, let’s put an end to this nonsense once and for all. We want our colony back.

God created Cuba for one, and only one, reason: to serve as an exotic vacationland where Important Americans could go to unwind. Cuba’s colorful natives and peasants were only too eager to serve as guides, servants and prostitutes for their American guests. It’s what they’re for.

They were happy then. They didn’t start running around sniveling about “unfairness” or being “exploited” until those damn Communists came in and got them all stirred up.

Our back yard was such a nice place before Castro came along and ruined everything. Cuba, Guatemala and El Salvador were all blessed with America’s favorite export: democracy at the point of a gun. Everybody was happy. Friendly generals were watching over American business interests, and simple happy natives didn’t have to worry about thinking for themselves. Everybody wins.

Those were the days…Ward and June Cleaver, Lucille Ball, and friendly colonial dictators who cheerfully said “how high, Sir” whenever we said “Jump!” It doesn’t get any better than that.

Let’s turn back the clock.


Blogger Jolly Roger said...

Yeah, we knew what was best for everyone, and not just in the Americas-why, we helped Iran correct a mistake they made when they voted in a PM they didn't really want! It was sure good of us to put the Shah back in charge and straighten out the mess the Iranians made!

August 7, 2006 at 8:20 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Yup, if only these meddling UN-types would stay out of our way, we could keep on doing what we do best. We helped Iran make the right choice, plus most of Latin America. It was God's Plan, and the people were happy.

August 7, 2006 at 9:29 AM  
Blogger frstlymil said...

I hear bitter sarcasm in there. I think it's time we stopped kidding ourselves that we are a democracy, but that rather we are colonialists that think it's our God Given Right to go in and take over territories inhabited by other people, either because we want the land, or because we want resort vacation spots. And we have no interest in helping the people or economic interests of those other territories.

August 7, 2006 at 11:00 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Frstlymil: Well, technically we're a democracy since we vote. As the saying goes, "if voting did any good they wouldn't allow it."

But practically all of our foreign meddling is strictly on behalf of corporations. They might as well just call it what it is and quit sugar-coating it with drivel about "helping the people."

Welcome back from your trip. Sounds like it was great.

August 7, 2006 at 11:36 AM  
Blogger BaxterWatch said...

what I want to know is that if the communist gov't in Cuba goes bu-bye, will that revoke the amnesty policy for immigrants? And do you think any of the cubans in the US have realized that once that happens, their family members trying to come to america will no longer be given sanctuary, but be classified as illegal aliens???

August 7, 2006 at 12:32 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Baxterwatch: Those are all good questions. I'm guessing all those Cuban immigrants in Florida will choose to go back to Cuba. That's what they've been clamoring to do; at least that's what they've been saying. If they've gotten used to the "good life" in America, it might be a shock going back to Cuba. If their rhetoric is to be believed, they're only here because Cuba is Communist. It should be interesting to see how this shapes up.

August 7, 2006 at 2:44 PM  
Blogger Mike V. said...

I love to hear people say how horrible they all have it in Cuba because of Castro.
Now, don't get me wrong, we have it a whole lot better in a whole lotta ways, but if you want to see some people in some fucked up circumstances in the caribean, Cuba would be the last place to see it.
Have a look at how the native folks are living in parts of the DR, Haiti and Jamaica.

August 7, 2006 at 8:24 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Mike: Yup, I'm sure Cuba is a lot better off than most of the Caribbean. I've never been anywhere near there, but I've heard Jamaica has some of the worst slums in the world (and Haiti is even worse). Tourists who go there just stay on these huge resort compounds and never leave the grounds 'til it's time to fly back to the States. From what I understand, Cuba before Castro was very poor, and a police state, and American VIPs would go there and pretty much strut around like they owned the place. I think Cubans must be better off now.

August 7, 2006 at 9:13 PM  
Blogger Mike V. said...

I've been to Jamaica and it's truly horrifying in a lot of places.
I have several friends that have been all over the Caribbean including Cuba and EVERY one of them tells me that Cuba is most certainly a poor country, but nothing like several of the other places. Particularly Jamaica and Haiti.

August 7, 2006 at 10:57 PM  
Blogger Praguetwin said...

You know, Guatemala and Nicaragua should be thanking the U.S. for saving them from themselves.

August 7, 2006 at 11:46 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Mike: Yeah, that's pretty much what I've heard, that Cuba is poor but Jamaica, Haiti and the Dominican Republic are worse.

Prague Twin: Ah yes, the Freedom Fighters. Nicaragua owes us big time. And Guatemala might still have that evil Socialist government if we hadn't rescued them in 1954.

August 8, 2006 at 12:26 AM  
Blogger Ricardo said...

So true because let's face it, Cancun is sooo yesterday. Let's blast them with strip malls and casinos ;-)

August 8, 2006 at 8:20 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Ricardo: Hey, there you go. Havana can be the new Spring Break capital. Those Cuban natives and peasants will be so happy. If they liked the Hemingway wannabes during the 1950s, they'll love being taken over by thousands of wasted college students.

August 8, 2006 at 11:13 PM  
Blogger Snave said...

Well, if Raul Castro takes over and continues things as usual in the spirit of his brother, I suppose that will give the CIA something constructive to do, like putting LSD in his drinking water, giving him exploding cigars, etc.

Better yet would be for us to normalize relations with Cuba so the U.S. can make money off of Cuba. It must infuriate lots of money-minded Americans that that great big island is down there, unusable by American business. Hey, we deal a LOT with communist China. So Cuba is communist, so what! We have allowed the Chinese control over much of our economy. Why should it be any different with Cuba?

Of course the Cuban people have probably been conditioned to hate the U.S. for about 50 years, so if we import democracy, i.e. letting the people vote for a new leader, they would very likely choose someone similar to the Castros who hates the U.S. That seems to be working in other countries around the world, so why not Cuba?

Enough sarcasm... Really, I would just like to see us normalize relations with Cuba, help them from the Third World into the 21st century if they want that help, trade with them if they want to trade with us, and mostly just be their friend.

August 10, 2006 at 8:32 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Snave: Yeah, it’s totally illogical that we trade with China (more than that, they basically own us) but we’re boycotting Cuba because they’re Communists. I guess a few thousand (or whatever their number is) Cuban refugees in Florida are dreaming of returning to the 1950s, and they’re determining our foreign policy. How sad is that.

Since the almighty dollar is so important, maybe the discovery of oil in Cuba will change a few people’s minds. This ridiculous embargo can’t go on forever. The sooner we resume trade with them, the better.

August 11, 2006 at 12:37 AM  

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