Who Hijacked Our Country

Saturday, November 04, 2006

A Message From The President

Fellow Americans: I realize that this upcoming midterm election has turned into a referendum on me. I lied and sleazed and finagled to get us into a war that has killed nearly 3,000 American soldiers. I inherited a huge budget surplus six years ago, and I’ve turned it into a crippling deficit that your great grandchildren will be paying for. I’ve transferred billions of dollars from the middle class to the wealthiest one percent of the population.

And so, with a heavy heart, I say to you that I do not seek and I will not accept the nomination I don’t give a flying fuck. I’m not running for anything. Do you see my name on any of the ballots, you stupid chumps?

Karl and Dick have instructed me to keep a low profile; stay out of the limelight and don’t embarrass any Republican candidates by campaigning for them. “Why don’t you just hide out in Crawford ‘til next Wednesday” is what they told me. OK, but before I go I just want to remind you of the grave importance of this election. If the wrong people get into Congress I’ll be investigated and impeached and America will be ruined.

If Democrats win control of the House of Representatives, do you know who will be the Speaker of the House? Nancy Pelosi!! NOOO!!! May I remind you, she’s from San Francisco. Need I say more? We cannot let the sacred halls of Congress be soiled by that effete latte-sipping queer-coddling terrorist-loving crack whore!! In the name of all that is Holy, we can NOT allow this to happen!

And in Tennessee, there’s a close Senate race that threatens to destroy the America we know and love. Democrats are threatening to elect an uppity Nigra who lusts after white women! Is this what Strom Thurmond and Bull Connor died for??? Now I don’t mind if Congress has a few Negroes, but they have to know their place. The Southern states are America’s last bastion of morals and decency. There’s a lot at stake here.

If the Republicans keep control of Congress, we will continue to be Number One. Numero Uno! A nation feared by the rest of the world. A nation free from terrorism. Remember, we haven’t been attacked since 9/11, and I take full credit for that.

If the Democrats win, terrorists will roam America’s streets, schools and churches, killing innocent Americans while our Liberal government coddles them.

If we maintain Republican control of Congress, America will remain a proud nation where people work hard, go to church and protect their families. If the Democrats win, roving gangs of homosexuals will invade your home whenever they want. You’ll be forced to watch helplessly while they perform unnatural acts in your living room, right in front of the children.

These are the choices you’ll be making on Election Day.

God wants you to vote Republican. Osama bin Laden wants you to vote Democratic. Who are you gonna listen to?

I’m George W. Bush and I approved this message.


Blogger BaxterWatch said...

ha. W couldn't have approved that message. There are too many big words spelled correctly. no way, no how.

November 4, 2006 at 9:24 AM  
Blogger J. Marquis said...

Good one. I see a roving pack of homosexuals forming down at the end of my street!

November 4, 2006 at 9:55 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Baxterwatch: Aw, I should've thought of that.

J. Marquis: Oh my God, then it's happening already. Vote Republican!

November 4, 2006 at 10:23 AM  
Blogger Snave said...

If the Democrats win, we are all going to die. Then again, all of us are bound to die sooner or later... I just think it's likelier to happen sooner with Bush-style Republicans in office. If it means the human race will exist for more years, bring on the living-room gay sex acts.

November 4, 2006 at 11:35 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Snave: I don't know, those roving gangs of homosexuals are pretty scary. I say vote Republican and bring on the Rapture :)

November 5, 2006 at 12:55 AM  
Blogger Praguetwin said...

Gay sex in the living room? Do you promise?

Absolutely fucking brilliant.

November 5, 2006 at 4:21 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Prague Twin: Oh, absolutely. If those heathen Democrats win, this depraved activity will be going on in every living room in America.

November 5, 2006 at 10:23 AM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

Baxterwatch makes a good point, but the message was acutally drafted by John Yoo.

November 6, 2006 at 6:16 AM  
Blogger Jenn of the Jungle said...

Hmmmm, all but one of my local roving homosexuals will be voting Republican tomorrow. Interesting.

November 6, 2006 at 8:19 AM  
Blogger I.M. Dedd said...

I guess we'll check in tomorrow, dude.

here's hopin'...

November 6, 2006 at 10:11 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Kvatch: John Yoo, that sounds likely. That would explain why all the words are spelled correctly.

Jenn: That’s because you live near San Diego, if I remember right. Everybody there is a Republican. (I haven’t been there in a long time. Maybe it’s changed.)

I.M. Dedd: Yup, here’s hopin’. Like Nancy Pelosi said, the last 2 obstacles are Monday and Tuesday.

November 6, 2006 at 11:19 AM  
Blogger sean.eagan@gmail.com said...

lol great read. But through your sarcasm I am afraid lies some truth I cannot wait to vote tomorrow.

November 6, 2006 at 7:27 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Sean: Thanks. I'm guessing Bush's unstated thoughts are quite similar to this tongue-in-cheek post.

November 6, 2006 at 10:41 PM  
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