Who Hijacked Our Country

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Dick Cheney for Vice President

Don’t laugh; this might be the only solution to the Never Ending Story.

Dick Cheney just flat-out refuses to shut his foul putrefying shit-spewing face. A serious political discussion without Dick Cheney vomiting all over the proceedings is about as likely as a picnic with no ants.

Remember when Cheney was Vice President of the United States, you couldn’t get a word out of him. Nobody even knew where he was 99% of the time. Once in awhile he’d peek out of his secret cubbyhole just long enough to tell a Democrat to go fuck himself, or shoot somebody in the face, and then he’d slither away again.

Now obviously nobody wants this Dickwipe to actually BE the Vice President again. But just suppose there was a way to make him THINK he’s Vice President. Would it work? Would he finally shut his blubbering puke hole and go gently into the night?

This is kind of a far-fetched comparison, but during one of Alice Cooper’s concert tours in the early ‘70s, the band played sort of a mean trick on their lead guitarist. (I got this information from Billion Dollar Baby, a book written by columnist Bob Greene, who accompanied Alice Cooper on one of their tours.)

This guitar player was basically deteriorating. I forget whether he was getting too wasted on drugs and booze, or was just lazy or getting sloppy (I read the book a long time ago). He kept making mistakes and missing notes, but he wouldn’t admit it. So the rest of the band arranged for the sound man to silence his guitar without him knowing it. He’d have his guitar and amp cranked up to ten while he’s wailing away with his solos, not even suspecting that nobody could hear him. The second guitarist was also playing the solo, and HE was the only one the audience could hear.

I assume the lead guitarist found out about this at some point before Billion Dollar Baby was published.

OK, so it’s a wacky comparison, but: is there some humanly possible way to trick Cheney into thinking he’s Vice President? Somebody could set up a simulated office for him to “work” in, and people pretending to be Dumbya, Rice, John Yoo, etc. could call him up for instructions. They could even show him computer models of simulated terrorist attacks that were thwarted at the last minute because of Dick’s fiery speeches and 24-hours-a-day vigilance.

I think Cheney might actually be megalomaniacal and delusional enough to fall for it.

Got any ideas?

cross-posted at Bring It On!

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Blogger J. Marquis said...

Great Alice Cooper story and a great plot for dealing with Cheney.

May 20, 2009 at 5:30 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

Dick' just upset that now that he's no longer VP, his Halliburton stock has tanked. He wants to waterboard more Muslims to get them to confess to helping Iran build a nuke or something so we can start another war and Halliburton's move to the Cayman Islands can really start to pay off.

May 20, 2009 at 6:15 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

J: That was a cool book; full of bizarre anecdotes.

Lew: LOL. Sounds like Cheney's got it dialed.

May 20, 2009 at 8:17 PM  
Blogger bob said...

Whenever I hear ole' Dick start criticizing Obama, I'd just love to personally tell him that he already had his chance to run the country, obviously failed, and now its time to shut the hell up.

May 21, 2009 at 8:05 AM  
Blogger Randal Graves said...

Aw man, I never heard that story. I'll have to check that book out. Old Alice was fucking great.

And you might be on to something with this plan. I'm expecting him to start an old-fashioned campaign-by-train tour any day now.

May 21, 2009 at 8:18 AM  
Blogger Demeur said...

Any ideas?
I could be cruel and say just turn off his pacemaker.

May 21, 2009 at 8:38 AM  
Anonymous S.W. anderson said...

Yeah, maybe Cheney could be seated near a microwave oven once too often, and . . . But no, I'm sure he's too cautious for that.

Seriously, the media find Cheney useful during slower news cycles. They know he's still got fans among the 27 percenters and that his foes on the left, for all they loathe and despise the man, tend to listen when he says something, if only to take issue with his latest spew. So, expect the media to keep giving him attention.

I also suspect some in the media are keeping Cheney in the spotlight to help their party of choice through a bad patch. He sort of fills a painfully obvious leadership vacuum less disgustingly to many moderates and independents than does Limbaugh.

May 21, 2009 at 2:18 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Bob: The current Republican M.O. seems closely related that old maxim about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Randal: Maybe there could be something like The Truman Show for Cheney. He could be preparing for his next White House run, without ever suspecting that he's the star of a TV show.

Demeur: That sounds like a plan.

SW: Cheney does seem to be serving several purposes by being in the limelight. He's also hurting moderate Republicans (assuming there still is such a thing) by causing the general public to associate the word "Republican" with the rightwing extremists who got voted out in '08 and '06.

May 21, 2009 at 3:14 PM  
Anonymous Bee said...

In college I had a roommate whose microwave wouldn't shut off when the door was opened. I always knew I should have held on to that microwave, but hindsight is 20-20 :)

May 22, 2009 at 12:45 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Bee: LOL. If anybody still has that microwave, think of the public service they could perform.

May 22, 2009 at 4:39 PM  
Blogger Miss Kitty said...

Tom, you and the readers have me howling with laughter, as always.

I *do* think it's weird that nobody can get Cheney to shut up now. I want to tell him, "Nobody cares about your 'attack dog' stuff now; you're out of office. Bye." WTF?

May 23, 2009 at 4:40 AM  
Blogger Mauigirl said...

A brilliant idea! If only there was a way to make him go back to his undisclosed location! You may have thought of a plan.

May 23, 2009 at 10:36 AM  
Anonymous Thomas said...

Or we could declare war on the alien race of humanoid reptilians that spawned him.

May 23, 2009 at 1:13 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Miss Kitty: Thanks. Yeah, I really wish Cheney would just go back to his cubby hole and stay there.

Mauigirl: Yup, there's gotta be a way to lure him back to his secret hideaway.

Thomas: That's an idea. If there's a race of beings just like him, we definitely need to get rid of them.

May 23, 2009 at 5:20 PM  
Blogger Mile High Pixie said...

Look, we just had Dumbya thinking he was running the country for 8 years, so why not do the same for Cheney? By the way, I love Bob's comment--you had your chance, King Dipsh!t, and you and your cronies ran this country into the ground to the point that no one liked us. Put a sock in it and let people who like to use reason once in a while take a shot at running things.

And Tom, my apologies for not checking for a while--I've been working on some side projects and got busy. I forgot how hilarious you (and your readers) are. And by the way, thanks for your military service, good sir. I appreciate you being gutsy enough to stand in harm's way, unlike some chickenhawks I know who had "other priorities."

May 25, 2009 at 6:33 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

MHP: Good point. Since Dumbya thought he was running things when he was really just a figurehead, there's gotta be a way to pull the same thing on Cheney.

And thank you for remembering my military service. If there hadn't been a draft back then, I don't know whether I would've enlisted in the Navy or not. But it enabled me to do some traveling, and I used the GI Bill; so all in all I'm glad I did.

May 25, 2009 at 11:57 AM  

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