Clarence Thomas Apologizes
Finally! Bet you never thought you’d see “Clarence Thomas” and “Apology” in the same story.
But better late than never. After nineteen years of blighting the Supreme Court with some of the most boneheaded twisted “reasoning” imaginable, Justice Clarence Thomas has come clean:
“When the history of this period gets written, my name will probably be synonymous with ‘What Was He Thinking???’ And looking back on these past nineteen years, I admit I haven’t got a fuckin’ clue.
“People must wonder if I have multiple personalities. Let me plead the Fifth on that. An individual has absolutely no rights whatsoever, but corporations are people and they can do whatever they want when they want. And don't forget, money and speech are the exact same thing. Don't ask me how I know; I just know.
“Also, states’ rights are sacred. That big bloated meddling federal government has no business barging into a state’s internal matters. Unless the president — whom I appointed, heeheehee — doesn’t like what that state is doing. In that case, one of my other personalities takes over and I go SQUISH. SQUELCH. End of story. Like that assisted suicide law that was passed overwhelmingly by the voters of Oregon. I ruled against it because, uhh, well, because I can. Unfortunately I was outvoted by those liberal wusses on the Court. So for now, a terminally ill person suffering in agony can still choose to end his/her life even if the Spanish Inquisition doesn’t approve. But I tried.
“I probably caught the most shit for my dissenting opinion about that 13-year-old drug-addicted slut who didn’t want to be strip-searched by the school principal. And not one other Supreme Court Justice backed me up on my decision. Pansies! She was smuggling Ibuprofen into the school with her, and the authorities kept not finding it. I wanted her to be strip-searched. She was one hot babe and I wanted to see…ahem…but I digress…
“And now the liberal media is trying to make some sort of “conflict of interest” out of my wife’s teabagging activities. I can truthfully say to you that there is absolutely no connection between my wife’s teabuggery and my own Far Right decisions on the Supreme Court.
“And if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge to sell you.”
Labels: Clarence Thomas apology