What DOES the Tea Party Stand For?

Sure, it’s easy to stand up to a desperate woman who’s seeking an abortion, or a cancer patient who just got dumped by his/her HMO. But when the time came to actually take a stand and show some courage, the screaming teabaggers whimpered and bent over.

What happened to those George Washington costumes and “We’re Taking Back Our Country!” Would our Founding Fathers invade Libya?

The House has defeated an attempt to cut off funding for air attacks on Libya. Twenty-seven members of the House Tea Party Caucus (out of a total of 59 members) voted against the funding cutoff.

Some representatives — including Michele Bachmann — used the age-old copout of “I voted against it because it didn’t go far enough.”

Judson Phillips of Tea Party Nation said:

“We have no congressional authorization for military action in Libya, but our brilliant GOP leadership did not cut off funding. Could they possibly be any more gutless?”

In other news: Jim DeMint has warned all Republicans NOT to vote for increasing the debt limit, saying “if you vote for it, you’ll lose.”

And just a few days ago, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce warned Republicans that they’d better vote FOR increasing the debt limit. Anyone who votes against it — “we’ll get rid of you.”

Awkward. Maybe there won’t be any more Republicans.

And finally: Hey, it worked for Blackwater.

Blackwater aka John Smith Inc. aka Your Neighborhood Security Guy aka…

Blackwater has painted itself into the same corner the Moonies have been painted into since the early 1970s. When your name is already a laughingstock among billions of people, but you don’t want to stop doing what you’re doing — make up a new name. And then another new name. And another one. And another one.

Nobody wants to do business with a gang of inbred thugs with low IQs, quick tempers and machine guns coming out of their ears. First Blackwater changed its name to Xe. Didn’t help. Now they’ve got about thirty shell companies and subsidiaries. Thirty little Blackwaters, multiplying and spreading like an infection.

It’s surprising the mainstream “media” even picked up this story. But at least they slipped it in during a three-day weekend. We’re all familiar with the Friday News Dump. I don’t know what you call it when an important story gets run on the Saturday before Labor Day.

These thirty innocent little Blackwaterettes are still trying to get millions of dollars worth of government contracts. Some have succeeded; some haven’t. But at least three of them have been hired by the Pentagon and the CIA. XPG and Greystone are two of the Miniature Blackwaters that got CIA contracts.

In Berkeley during the early ‘70s there was a local (or so I thought) innocuous-seeming New Age group called The Ideal City. They were sort of pushy, but harmless. They always had that same vapid smile that Jesus Freaks had back then, and they kept trying to get people to visit them at their headquarters in Boonville, CA.

Years later I saw an article about the Moonies, saying they use a lot of different names since nobody will have anything to do with the Moonies. The article had a long list of group names that were Moonies in disguise, and The Ideal City was on the list.

Let’s hope somebody will start looking a little deeper when Mom ‘n’ Pop Security or We Protect Your Family tries to get a government contract.

Giuliani: “There Was No Iranian Hostage Crisis During the Carter Years”

Who needs Snopes when we have Rudy Giuliani, our walking talking one-man Urban Legend Debunker.

What’s this “9/11” that everybody keeps blubbering about? Apparently, millions of deluded Americans think there was some sort of terrorist attack on that date. Not only that, but it was supposedly a terrorist attack on American soil. [rolls eyes] Christ, what are they putting in our drinking water???

Anyway, Ask Rudy™ — he’ll set you straight. This nation “had no domestic attacks” under President George W. Bush. OK now? Understand???

Rudy is now debunking some of the other urban legends that gullible Americans just can’t seem to let go of. These include:

President Bill Clinton had an affair with one of his interns, right there in the Oval Office. While Clinton was sitting at his desk performing presidential duties, this imaginary intern would crawl underneath his desk and perform her “duties.”

The United States of America invaded Iraq in 1991. It’s true that there was a mysterious fireworks celebration in Baghdad for a few weeks in early 1991. That much you could verify just by turning on the evening news — it looked like some sort of Fourth of July celebration in Baghdad. But somehow a bunch of tinfoil hatters are insisting that those fireworks were actually [smirk] American warplanes dropping bombs on Iraq. WTF???

In the early 1930s there was a “Great Depression” that nearly brought America to her knees. Things were sooo bad — businessmen were jumping out of office windows. Formerly successful people were sitting on street corners selling apples, pencils, anything that might possibly earn them a few pennies. Whenever some Nanny State Liberal wants to create still another giant bloated government program, he/she always invokes this “Great Depression” as the reason we need more faceless government bureaucrats meddling in our lives.

So, you don’t actually believe any of the above claptrap, do you? If so — Ask Rudy™.

In Afghanistan, a private security firm known as Xe wants to help out with their special ops expertise. Xe — hmmm, never heard of ‘em. I guess that should be OK, as long as that fetid F$%&!#%&!#! Blackwater isn’t involved.

Erik Prince — VICTIM

These are tough times for conservatives. For some unfathomable reason, they’re all victims. Nobody knows why, but anyway...

They’re constantly being distorted and ridiculed and misquoted by the liberal media, even though that liberal media is owned and controlled by some of the world’s most powerful corporations.

Christians of course are persecuted mercilessly in their own country — a Christian Nation! This year’s War on Christmas promises to be more wicked than ever, what with that Kenyan Muslim terrorist in the White House and all.

It’s funny though — the cornerstone of conservative philosophy is personal responsibility. Self reliance. Whatever your problem is, quit whining about it, stop wallowing, pull yourself up and get over it. Suck it up.

And yet the people who hold this viewpoint are all victims. Oh well...

The latest victim is a True American Hero — Erik Prince. He inherited a fortune from his parents and he’s a Born Again Christian who worships fetuses. You can’t get any more American than that.

In 2007 his private mercenary company killed a bunch of them icky swarthy Iraqis. Isn’t that why we’re over there?!?!? We're Number One!! Wagons Ho!

And for his bravery, for acting above and beyond the call of duty, Erik Prince is being Persecuted! Thrown under the bus!

He founded Blackwater in 1997. Business got really good during the post-9/11 hysteria. But after Blackwater mowed down those savages in Iraq two years ago, that pansy leftwing media started whining and handwringing, and they blew the whole tiny incident way out of proportion.

Last February Prince changed the company’s name to Xe, thinking that would erase all of the infamy and controversy created by Blackwater.

Erik Prince is comparing his persecution and victimhood to that of Valerie Plame. Damn right! Take a look at some of the parallels here:

They were both born into incredibly wealthy families. They both think fetuses are sacred and that once you’re born you have no purpose whatsoever. They both went to Iraq for the purpose of killing civilians in cold blood…

My God, the similarities are incredible!

The New Improved War on Drugs

As we all know, the Drug Problem is the gravest problem facing America today. People getting high and having a good time, cancer patients smoking marijuana to relieve the nausea from chemotherapy — this is unthinkable in a Christian Nation!

So far, the War on Drugs hasn’t been very successful in spite of the trillions of taxpayer dollars we've spent and the Constitutional rights that we've trampled. But we will not be deterred. This just means we have to spend more trillions and stamp out even more of that pantywaist “Constitution.” We’ll apply everything we learned from Humpty Dumpty: More Horses! More Men!

Our knight in shining armor has finally arrived. Those crybabies in Iraq don’t want Blackwater in their own country?? That’s fine. Their loss is our gain. We can use those dedicated warriors right here in the USA.

We’ll soon be turning a corner in the War on Drugs. Treehugging potheads, you’ve met your match. Blackwater — along with four other private contractors — will be joining the War on American Citizens Drugs.

If you liked the DEA, you'll love Blackwater.

Anybody want our Constitution? We don’t seem to be using it any more.

cross-posted at Bring It On!

Iraqmire, South Africa and America

The United States isn't the only country having the life sucked out of it by Iraqmire. The same thing is happening in South Africa.

Thousands of white soldiers and police officers — most of them are veterans of the disgraced apartheid regime — have left their jobs and families to work as contractors in Iraq. This is causing a lot of tension and controversy in South Africa; much more so than in the United States.

South Africa is still recovering from the infamy of being one of the world’s worst police states not too long ago. They're trying to live down that image. Compare that to the U.S., which seems to get off on being the global tough guy. While the American Powers That Be are doting and swooning over Blackwater, South Africa has a different reaction.

Their current government has drafted a law that would criminalize all South African citizens who are working as contractors in Iraq. Maybe we could learn something from them.

(Yes I know Condoleezza Rice has issued an order cracking down on Blackwater. Those orders can be rescinded just as quickly as they were issued. We'll see how long this "order" lasts when the cameras have gone.)

The internal tension and embarrassment aren't South Africa's only problems. South Africa’s security is in jeopardy. Local police departments have been drained by the mass exodus of officers fleeing to Iraq for more money (up to ten times what they were making in South Africa). And most of the country’s special forces trainers are now on the U.S. payroll in Iraq.

The country is being bled dry by the War in Iraq. Sound familiar?

Investigation of Blackwater

A sighting! Erik Prince, religious fanatic, former Navy SEAL and founder of Blackwater USA, has testified before a Congressional Committee. Protecting New Orleans mansion-owners from the riffraff after Hurricane Katrina, shooting at suspicious-looking swarthy people in Iraq — Blackwater has earned a hell of a reputation over the years. And now Congress has finally taken an interest.

Henry Waxman (D-Calif.) said: “Privatizing is working exceptionally well for Blackwater. The question for this hearing is whether outsourcing to Blackwater is a good deal to the American taxpayer, whether it’s a good deal for the military and whether it’s serving our national interest in Iraq.”

Prince responded: “I could break your neck in five places you little twerp I believe we acted appropriately at all times.”

One of the Blackwater incidents being investigated: In December ’06, a drunken Blackwater employee shot an Iraqi guard. The State Department advised Blackwater to offer a payment to the deceased’s survivors, and then quickly hustled the Blackwater guard out of Iraq. Internal e-mails showed State Department employees arguing over how much money to pay the Iraqi family.

Regarding that incident, Waxman said “It’s hard to read these e-mails and not come to the conclusion that the State Department is acting as Blackwater’s enabler.”

Right now there's a bill pending in the House — by David Price (D-NC) — that would make all contractors subject to prosecution in American courts. Right, that'll happen.

Blackwater Evicted From Iraq

This is an urgent request for assistance from Blackwater:

Hi. We are a large group of stupid quick-tempered poorly-trained security guards. And we need a home. Will you take us in? Pleeease??? Check out some some of the pictures from our warm and fuzzy photo album: here, here and here.

If you let us move in with you, we’ll take care of all of your security needs. If anybody gives you a bad time — protestors or any other riffraff — we’ll fuck ‘em up! We shoot first and ask questions later.

Our boss is a born-again Christian who worships fetuses. But once you're born we get to shoot you. You got a problem with that?!?!?!

We just got evicted from our home in Iraq. Iraq!?!?!?!?!! Who’da thunk some war-torn disease-infested Third World country would be worried about some riffraff’s “civil rights” or whatever? Some robe-wearing falafel-guzzling sheik thinks he's too good for us??? Goddamnit we oughtta strap that son of a bitch down and stick a cattle prod up his —

[take a deep breath…count to ten…eeeasy...]

Uh, where was I? Ah, right, we’re looking for a home; somebody who’ll take us in. Will you be our friend? Come on, there can't be too many countries that have “standards” or whatever it was that got us kicked out of Iraq.

Oh well, if nobody else will have us, we’ll always have a home in the good ol’ USA. That’s the place where we get to do anything we want, whenever and wherever we want, and we’re never held accountable to anyone. Yes!!!!