Teabaggers: “Keep Them Queers Out of the Army, or America Gets It!”

Gotta love these schizophrenic teatards. They want a “limited” bathtub-sized government that monitors 300 million Americans twenty-four hours a day. They want “Freedom!” and “Liberty!” and they want God brought back into the public square.

So far the teawipes have threatened to shut down the government unless “Obamacare,” Planned Parenthood and NPR are defunded, and unless abortion is banned, among other rightwing fantasies. And now the latest from the teajobs: Reinstate Don’t Ask Don’t Tell or we’ll shut down that there gummint.

It’s sort of entertaining to watch the wingtards’ hostage-taking wetdreams, since it’s a moot point anyway. Wall Street wants Congress to raise the U.S. debt limit. And what Wall Street wants, Wall Street gets. Case closed.

John Boehner (R—Prostitute) will be appearing before his Wall Street pimps later today. They need to be reassured that he’s bending over when they say “Bend Over!” If you’ve ever squirmed and sweated through a job interview or performance appraisal, multiply that tension by ten trillion if you want to imagine Boehner’s anxiety level during this “interview” with his Masters.

Whatever his favorite kind of booze is, it’ll be disappearing off the shelves tonight.

Sour Grapes Legislation

Several months before the 2010 mid-term elections, when it was already obvious the Democrats would get a shellacking, Sobbin’ Hood announced that he didn’t want Congress to pass any “sour grapes legislation” during their lame duck session.

Tough shit, Weepy.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell got repealed.

The New START agreement finally got ratified by the Senate.

Congress has finally passed the aid package for 9/11 First Responders (yes, it was a watered-down version).

We’ve got a new expanded food safety bill.

Unemployment benefits have finally been extended (yes, coupled with billionaires’ tax cuts).

And after at least five years of wrangling, we’ve actually got a net neutrality law, watered down as it is. (I know, that was the FCC and not Congress, but still…)

These are some proud achievements from a group of Democrats who’ve spent the past year and a half getting bullied, stymied and shat on by Republicans.

The next two years will be full of gridlock and mutual hatred like we’ve never seen. But for now — You Go 111th Congress.

Super Bowl XLIV

No, sorry, this post isn’t about the 2010 Super Bowl.

Gotcha!

It’s just a hodgepodge of wacky news stories and personalities from the past few days.

Take this Buttwipe (please!): The nerve of this flaming douchebag — placing a legislative hold on all SEVENTY of Obama’s pending nominations. Richard Shelby (R-Inbred) is clearly the winner of this week’s ________________________ Award. (Sorry, I’m all out of expletives at the moment. Insert your own.)

But that’s not all. Shelby’s reason for his would-be coup d’état — he wants MORE earmarks, more pork, for his district. He wants MORE government spending?!?!

What do these people have to say about it? Isn’t this what they’ve been protesting against for the past year? Too much government, too much spending and — in particular — Earmarks. Pork. Well, where are they now? Did they all suddenly curl up and die? (Ah, Christmas in February.)

Another convicted felon for bigotry: A certain convicted perjurer is horrified — terrified! — at the idea of repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Oh My God, if homosexuals are allowed to desecrate our armed forces with that — that icky thing they do — what’ll happen next? Military chaplains will be forced, at gunpoint, to perform gay marriage ceremonies. And after that, members of NAMBLA will start enlisting, and they’ll seduce and corrupt our vulnerable young soldiers. OK, we’ve been warned. Thank you Oliver North.

Yes, there’s been still another remake of The Blob — and this is the scariest one yet! Previously, sixty terrified petrified Democratic senators were cowering and quivering in the corner, trying desperately to shrink away from the approaching monster — Forty Republican senators! And now, just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse — there are FORTY-ONE of them!!!! And that quaking little puddle of sixty Democrats has shrunk down to only fifty-nine. And the Blob is moving closer! And now —

(to be continued)

Learn Other Languages, Prevent Alzheimer’s; and Other News…

A new study is speculating that linguistic skills can help prevent dementia. That sounds like some sort of comminist un-American gimmick to destroy the moril fabrik of our great nation.

(PSSSST — If you can find the spelling error in each of those pictures, you musta been dabblin’ in one of them furrin languages.)

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: OK, the issue has been settled. We’ve been warned in no uncertain terms — if gays are allowed to serve openly in America’s armed forces, our once-great military will degenerate into a bunch of Nancy Boys, just like those sissy armies of Israel and Australia. Case closed. Back to the closet.

And then the Obama Administration said to the mortgage industry: Fox, please guard this henhouse. I trust you completely.