King Street Patriots: Looking For a Few Good Rednecks

If you hate immigrants, minorities, low-income people and college students — and you still can’t find Europe on that damn map — the King Street Patriots want YOU.

As you know, voter fraud is the gravest issue facing America today.  Negroes, renters, people with swarthy accents — they’re all trying to vote.  With your help, we can stop them!

Our small group got its start in Houston with our True The Vote campaign, and in 2012 we’re planning to expand throughout the country.  Can you help us?  All you have to do is show up at a polling place on Election Day — preferably in a precinct that’s low income and full of icky minority types.  And then just hang around and scare away the undesirables.

You’ll be trained in how to look at a group of would-be voters and pick out the Democrats.  Signs to watch for include:  swarthy complexion, foreign accent, tacky clothing (indicating elderly or low income), the know-it-all demeanor of a liberal college student; and so many others.  Don’t worry, you’ll be thoroughly trained and indoctrinated.

Then, when you see a Democrat who comes in wanting to vote — get right up in his face and scare him off.  Don’t worry, they won’t give you any trouble.  They’re afraid of war, they don’t think nonviolent pot users should be put in jail — in short, they’re pussies.  Just go swaggering up to them and say “Boo!” and they’ll turn and scamper away.

You can do the same thing with election workers inside the polling place.  If you see one of these do-gooders trying to help out some swarthy fuck who doesn’t speak English — see previous paragraph.

Please help us out on Election Day 2012.  Your fellow teabaggers need you.