Pro-War Demonstrators: Call Your Recruiter

It gets more unbelievable and infuriating all the time — all these gung ho bloggers and columnists who keep cheering for Bush and the Iraqi war. Sure they have a right to express their views, but the contradiction — the irony — is just so glaring, so blatant, it’s shrieking at them at 500 decibels.

And now, we have pro-war demonstrators gathering in Crawford, TX to counter-demonstrate against Cindy Sheehan, whose son was killed in Iraq. Ooookay. A pro-war demonstration??!!? What able-bodied, non-military person could possibly attend a pro-war demonstration without being hit over the head by the sheer irony, the madness?

Let’s see, on the one hand we have constant news reports of army recruiters not meeting their quotas, and often using sleazy and desperate methods of persuading people to enlist. And on the other hand we have self-proclaimed “patriots” — who aren’t even in the military — writing and shouting and demonstrating in favor of the Iraqi war at the exact same time that the military doesn’t have enough manpower to accomplish their mission.

Hmmm…two and two not being put together…dots remaining unconnected…dingdingdingdingdingding ENLIST Goddamnit!!

Jesus F#$%&! Christ on a crutch, how can people be so simple-minded and oblivious?!? “Uhhh, Duuhhhh, I’m sitting here at my computer terminal, blathering on and on about our Great War in Iraq” or “I feel so strongly about President Bush and his brave decision to invade Iraq, I’m gonna go all the way to Crawford just to demonstrate against that woman whose son was killed over there.”

“What? No, I’m not in the military. No, I never have been. What, a contradiction? Irony? Whaddya mean?” Duuuhhh!!!!

Now, for all pro-war demonstrators who are at least capable of feeling shame or embarrassment, and might be able to see themselves objectively, here is how you can help your country and your self-esteem. This website enables you to contact the nearest army recruiting office, and leads you step by step through the process of enlistment.

Isn’t this great?!? No longer do you have to hear yourself pontificate over and over about loving America and supporting our troops, and then have that sinking feeling every time you look in the mirror and see that flabby pathetic chicken hawk staring back at you. Aren’t you tired of this?

OK, maybe you’ve already served in the military and/or you’re too old to enlist. But wait — the more desperate the army gets, the higher the enlistment age goes. Before too long army recruiters will be scouring retirement communities and bingo parlors, looking for potential enlistees. If you can walk and breathe, you’ll be able to enlist. It’ll be as easy as getting a driver’s license in Miami Beach.

AND, if you’re too old to enlist and/or have already served, you probably have friends and relatives and coworkers and acquaintances who join you in cheerleading President Bush and His War, and condemning those America-hating Leftists who disagree with you. If that’s the case, please refer these people to the above website. You can help them gain some self-esteem and a positive self-image, and you’ll be helping Your President at the same time.

Your country needs you Now. It’s time to put down that megaphone and put on a uniform. Or else shut the fuck up.