Dick Cheney: “I Like Torture. Increase the Voltage!”

Congress is considering legislation — supported by ten Republicans so far — that will prevent our famous torture festivals from recurring at Gitmo and Abu Ghraib. John McCain wants to set uniform standards for interrogating all suspects detained by the Defense Department. Interrogation techniques would be limited to those listed in the Army field manual on interrogation.

McCain’s legislation would also require all foreign citizens held by the U.S. military to be registered with the International Committee of the Red Cross. This would prevent the popular technique of using “ghost prisoners” — moving torture victims from prison to prison to hide them from the Red Cross and other human rights investigators.

This issue is so crucial, Dick Cheney actually emerged from his secret hiding place to have an urgent meeting with three Republican members of the Senate Armed Services Committee. He had to warn them of the dangers of coddling terrorists.

A White House official announced that this law would undermine the president’s ability “to protect Americans effectively from terrorist attack.” (stops, reads it again…) OK, I guess what they mean is:

Scenario A — Al Qaeda ringleaders are arranging their next terrorist attack. But first, a quick peek at their latest intelligence from Gitmo and Abu Ghraib. “Hahahaha, those wimpy Americans don’t even know how to torture a shackled prisoner. They’re using that sissy Geneva Convention. Onward! Hit that skyscraper!”

Scenario B — Al Qaeda ringleaders are arranging their next terrorist attack. But first, a quick peek at their latest intelligence from Gitmo and Abu Ghraib. “Uh oh, inbred prison guards have got Habib tied up and he has electric wires wrapped around his genitals. He’s screaming at the top of his lungs. Cool! They’re just like us! We’re all brothers. Call off the attack!”

This was Cheney’s second meeting with wayward Republicans who keep materializing DickBush’s worst fear: a spine. More and more lawmakers are getting frustrated at Bush’s refusal to hold any high-ranking military officials accountable for the torture scandals.

In addition to McCain, Cheney also met with John Warner and Lindsay Graham. The three senators told Cheney that senior military officials are concerned that vague and conflicting orders from the White House have enabled these torture frenzies, and are making future scandals more likely.

John McCain spent part of the Viet Nam war in a Vietnamese prison camp. Presumably he’d have a more accurate perspective than Bush, Cheney and the other sheltered trust-funded chickenhawks who planned the Iraqi invasion.

How important is it for terrorist suspects (wingnuts and other slow readers: note the word suspects in this sentence) to be tortured? Bush has threatened to veto the entire $442 billion defense bill if this legislation is attached to it.

DickBush’s priority levels:

Having a clearly thought out plan for the Iraqi war: Very Low.

The ability to torture suspects, just like third world countries do: Extreme Top Priority.