Anti-Torture Amendment

George W. Bush’s authority to torture prisoners is soooo important —
How important is it —
It’s soooo important, he’s willing to veto a $440 billion defense spending bill if it contains an anti-torture amendment by that well-known America-hating tree hugger, John McCain.

This amendment was approved by a Senate vote of 90 to 9. Uh oh, where’s our boozing drug-addled playboy president’s political capital that he’s been bragging about?

McCain’s amendment would prohibit “cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment” against anyone in U.S. government custody, regardless of where they are held. What, we can’t even do fraternity stunts like shocking their testicles or hanging them by their broken shoulders?? Damn, what sort of pussies have taken over the Senate?

The irony, of course, is that if Bush or any of his fellow sheltered chickenhawk babies ever had anyone even squeeze their arm too tightly, they’d start blubbering and spewing and singing like a parrot on acid.

And yet these same delicate pampered bluebloods will actually turn around and say “what, we can’t even torture ‘em? C’mon, it’s just a few fraternity pranks.”

The sponsor of this amendment, John McCain, was a political prisoner during the Vietnam war, and suffered unspeakable tortures during his captivity. George W. Bush’s version of torture was the time he stubbed his toe on the beach at Kennebunkport, or when he tore a fingernail in his hurry to open a Jim Beam bottle.

McCain’s radical proposal requires all military personnel to follow the Army Field Manual when detaining and interrogating all suspects; no exceptions. Bush says this would limit his “flexibility.” Flexibility?!?! If our Saddam Hussein wannabe “president” wants to be “flexible” he can take up Yoga.

“Flexibility” — riiight. “Damn, Ah need to squeeze me some Ay-rab’s balls and make him sing. Sheeit, what Ah really need is for mah old lady to get out of mah way and let me suck on my (George) Dickel.”

Lawmakers from both parties are saying U.S. troops must be provided with clear standards for detaining, interrogating and prosecuting terrorism suspects. Even if nobody in the White House is perceptive enough, some senators have finally gotten the general drift from the Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay torture scandals.

McCain said “We demanded intelligence without ever clearly telling our troops what was permitted and what was forbidden. And when things went wrong, we blamed them and we punished them. Our troops are not served by ambiguity. They are crying out for clarity, and Congress cannot shrink from this duty.”

The Senate hasn’t yet voted on the overall defense spending bill, and the House version of the bill doesn’t contain this amendment. At some point our government will have to decide whether they want us to be America or a Third World dictatorship.

And whatever they decide, American voters will vote accordingly in 2006.