FBI Hires Potheads!!

Oh my God, it can’t be true. Everything we’ve ever known, everything that’s Holy, is being violated!! Blasphemized!! What in God’s name is going on?!? What’ll be next — George W. Bush appointing a (gasp!) woman to the Supreme Court?

Oh!!! (gulp!) Uhh, I’ll get back to you on that…

Fellow Godfearing decent Americans, brace yourselves: the FBI might start hiring potheads! NO!!!

Do you understand this??? Degenerate lowlife hippies who have smoked Marywann — Mareejwanna — uhh, Pot — just might could be the newest generation of FBI agents protecting us from, from evil. From them!!

Now, we all know what marijuana does to people. We’ve known since the 1930s. You name it, this evil weed does it. Hair on the palms of your hands, blindness (oh, sorry, self-gratification does that, oops), violent uncontrollable behavior, insanity; the list is endless. For God’s sake, 98% of all heroin addicts started off on marijuana!!

What is our great nation coming to??? If you call the FBI for an emergency, what sort of agent are you gonna get? Some acid-drenched hippie having flashbacks? A shell-shocked Vietnam veteran who smokes pot all day? (Come on, they all do — you know it, I know it, the American people know it.)

This is a serious health hazard. Is the FBI going to drastically expand their health care coverage for their new employees (at taxpayer expense)? They’ll need to. Think about it. The host of mental problems that people get from smoking pot — too numerous to mention. If a seemingly-decent FBI agent comes in to work one morning wearing a tie-dyed T-shirt and blubbering about Jimi Hendrix or Satan, will this person be eligible for medical coverage?

And that’s just the beginning. Once these pothead perverts progress to other drugs — and you know they will, they’ll be smoking LSD, shooting cocaine and snorting heroin before you know it — the entire house of cards will start collapsing.

I don’t know which 1960s degenerate hippie demonstrator has brainwashed Barry McCaffrey (former White House Drug Czar) — but somebody got to him. He seemed so nice, so decent. This is just sad.

Now he says he “understands” the FBI’s current dilemma. Nobody uses the word “understand” in that context except spineless wimpy liberals. Oh God, if they can get to him, who’s next? Our formerly cleancut, pro-American, decent drug czar actually said “But there should be no hard and fast rule that suggests you can't ever have used drugs.”

What?!?!?!?! Oh, sure, why don’t we just hire the next drug-addled, flashbacking, immoral pussie that comes in to fill out an application? Country Joe McDonald, Jack Kerouac, George W. Bush, Abbie Hoffman? OK, I exaggerate. Surely none of those drugged-out pervs would ever be hired by our government.