Who Hijacked Our Country

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The New Happy Dick Cheney

Dick Cheney is a new man! Whaddya mean he’s always snarling and glowering and has a lopsided sneer? He hates everybody?? Come on, that was the old Dick Cheney.

The Old Snarling Dick Cheney lived in a secret location and only came out during the Full Moon (or to cast the tie-breaking vote in the Senate or to tell some commie liberal to go fuck himself). Now that an election is drawing near, the sneering snarling Dick is emerging blinking into the sunlight — and he’s smiling! He’s talking to people. Real People; not just VIPs and dictators.

“Hi there little boy fuck your mother you little bedwetting liberal we care about you. We want to help lowlife trailer pukes real Americans just like you.”

Here he is at Daytona Beach.Ahem, uh, I was sent here to talk down to these dumbfuck NASCAR dads and con them into voting for my puppet again On Independence Day, we’re reminded how fortunate we are to live in freedom and call this nation home.”

He continued with “I got five — count ‘em, FIVE — draft deferments during the Vietnam war because I’m so important, unlike you lower-class blue-collar nobodies who aren’t good for anything except cannon fodder We’re grateful above all to the men and women who defend us.”

Cheney even instructed his Secret Service agents to lose their dark suits and wear open-necked un-tucked shirts and baseball caps instead. Whew! He really has changed. Uncle Dickie has come down off his pedestal. He's just like the rest of us. He’s just plain folks. He cares. Vote Republican!


Blogger Snave said...

So is he like Bob, on the Enzyte commercials? Heh...

July 5, 2006 at 12:03 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Snave: Sorry, I haven't seen that commercial. I'll have to look for it. (It's hard to watch much TV when it stays light so late.)

July 5, 2006 at 12:05 AM  
Blogger The Cranky Insomniac said...

It's not light out when those commercials air...

July 5, 2006 at 1:03 AM  
Blogger dusty said...

He's all excited..the Shrub is gonna bail him out of the PlameGate mess..seriously..bet me :p

July 5, 2006 at 1:21 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Cranky Insomniac: Hmmm, those commercials are sounding more interesting all the time.

Dusty: Yup, I bet that's exactly what will happen.

July 5, 2006 at 11:36 AM  
Blogger frstlymil said...

Bob on the Enzyte commercials. Now that's just scary and gross. Beyond words.

Maybe he was going to be implicated by Kenny Boy and he's celebrating the well-timed decease. let's start a conspiracy theory, shall we?

July 6, 2006 at 8:11 AM  
Blogger frstlymil said...

Okay, just so everyone's clear - I was kidding about the conspiracy theory - nothing bores me more.

Of COURSE he's celebrating that he can do whatever he wants and has full immunity and a built in pardon from the shrub. Now - let's all imagine Cheney in his new, whimsical casual dress, wearing a hawaiian shirt and a speedo. The stuff of nightmares, people.

July 6, 2006 at 10:03 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Frstlymil: LOL. Cheney in a speedo. If Christian fanatics are looking for an image that would turn gay men straight, that's just the image they're looking for.

July 6, 2006 at 11:09 AM  
Blogger Snave said...

frstlymil, I was just thinking about the conspiracy stuff myself! All those secrets Lay had... now they're gone with him to the grave! How convenient!

Just kidding. But yes, I can sure see how all the people who lost their money are feeling some distress over Lay's death.

July 6, 2006 at 9:55 PM  

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