The New Happy Dick Cheney

Dick Cheney is a new man! Whaddya mean he’s always snarling and glowering and has a lopsided sneer? He hates everybody?? Come on, that was the old Dick Cheney.

The Old Snarling Dick Cheney lived in a secret location and only came out during the Full Moon (or to cast the tie-breaking vote in the Senate or to tell some commie liberal to go fuck himself). Now that an election is drawing near, the sneering snarling Dick is emerging blinking into the sunlight — and he’s smiling! He’s talking to people. Real People; not just VIPs and dictators.

“Hi there little boy fuck your mother you little bedwetting liberal we care about you. We want to help lowlife trailer pukes real Americans just like you.”

Here he is at Daytona Beach. “Ahem, uh, I was sent here to talk down to these dumbfuck NASCAR dads and con them into voting for my puppet again On Independence Day, we’re reminded how fortunate we are to live in freedom and call this nation home.”

He continued with “I got five — count ‘em, FIVE — draft deferments during the Vietnam war because I’m so important, unlike you lower-class blue-collar nobodies who aren’t good for anything except cannon fodder We’re grateful above all to the men and women who defend us.”

Cheney even instructed his Secret Service agents to lose their dark suits and wear open-necked un-tucked shirts and baseball caps instead. Whew! He really has changed. Uncle Dickie has come down off his pedestal. He's just like the rest of us. He’s just plain folks. He cares. Vote Republican!