Jerry Falwell Speaks
Greetings everybody. Damn, I'm still not sure what happened the other day. I was sitting there in my office, doing some research on witchcraft and the homosexual agenda, and suddenly everything went blank. Ever since then I've been in this — I don’t know if it’s a “place” or what you'd call it. It’s just so, so, it’s not exactly physical, but it’s like — as soon as you think of a place, you're there. Think of an object and there it is. Instantly. Whew! This is gonna take some getting used to.
I figured out I must be “dead” — whatever that means — after I started seeing the Pope, Gerald Ford, Richard Nixon, Terri Schiavo, Matthew Shepherd, Janis Joplin, Karen Carpenter, Elvis…
I still can't get over how strange, how instantaneous everything is. Everything is so vast — infinite. Whatever dimension this is, it’s impossible to feel any sort of hatred or fear or frustration. And on that note, looking back on my 73 years: (Gasp!) was that small-minded mean-spirited shitstain really me?? How could I have been such a putrid little douchebag? So many good people died young — John Lennon, George Harrison, Dimebag Darrell, Rachel Corrie, Matthew Shepherd — and I just kept on living and living and blighting the world with my hatred.
Now, without trying to downplay what an evil pusbucket I was — I couldn’t have accomplished anything without millions of
And that was wrong. People, I appreciate your devotion and your blind obedience to my every spewing. But Goddamnit think for yourselves! What are you, a bunch of sheep? Put down your snakes and get out there and do something constructive. Get a life! There are plenty of manipulative charlatans out there besides me. Don’t listen to them!
That’s all I have to say. Oh, Terri Schiavo just appeared, and she wants to say something:
“Listen up, all you braindead Biblehumping shitheads. I spent fifteen years trying to get to this place, this state of being, and you dumbfucks kept me in a hospital bed hooked up to a feeding tube. For fifteen years I was nothing but a vegetable — a blob! — and you dickheads made me stay there. Fuck you all!”