Jerry Falwell Speaks

Greetings everybody. Damn, I'm still not sure what happened the other day. I was sitting there in my office, doing some research on witchcraft and the homosexual agenda, and suddenly everything went blank. Ever since then I've been in this — I don’t know if it’s a “place” or what you'd call it. It’s just so, so, it’s not exactly physical, but it’s like — as soon as you think of a place, you're there. Think of an object and there it is. Instantly. Whew! This is gonna take some getting used to.

I figured out I must be “dead” — whatever that means — after I started seeing the Pope, Gerald Ford, Richard Nixon, Terri Schiavo, Matthew Shepherd, Janis Joplin, Karen Carpenter, Elvis…

I still can't get over how strange, how instantaneous everything is. Everything is so vast — infinite. Whatever dimension this is, it’s impossible to feel any sort of hatred or fear or frustration. And on that note, looking back on my 73 years: (Gasp!) was that small-minded mean-spirited shitstain really me?? How could I have been such a putrid little douchebag? So many good people died young — John Lennon, George Harrison, Dimebag Darrell, Rachel Corrie, Matthew Shepherd — and I just kept on living and living and blighting the world with my hatred.

Now, without trying to downplay what an evil pusbucket I was — I couldn’t have accomplished anything without millions of dumbfucks devoted followers. My wish was their command. I just can't describe what a rush it was when I’d snap my fingers and millions of drones disciples would snap to attention. The glory!! The power!!! Yesss!!!

And that was wrong. People, I appreciate your devotion and your blind obedience to my every spewing. But Goddamnit think for yourselves! What are you, a bunch of sheep? Put down your snakes and get out there and do something constructive. Get a life! There are plenty of manipulative charlatans out there besides me. Don’t listen to them!

That’s all I have to say. Oh, Terri Schiavo just appeared, and she wants to say something:

“Listen up, all you braindead Biblehumping shitheads. I spent fifteen years trying to get to this place, this state of being, and you dumbfucks kept me in a hospital bed hooked up to a feeding tube. For fifteen years I was nothing but a vegetable — a blob! — and you dickheads made me stay there. Fuck you all!”

Christianity’s Ugly Stepchild

This Newsweek column (by Lisa Miller) brought on waves of nostalgia. Those forgotten memories… I remember now: at one time Christianity was supposed to be about helping others; feeling a sense of duty; humility; and not judging others lest ye be judged.

Yes, it’s all coming back now. There really was a time when the “Homosexual Agenda” wasn’t the scariest threat facing our nation. Back then, fears of nuclear annihilation and worldwide destruction were much more alarming than dirty words on a TV show. Helping the less fortunate was more important than spewing hatred at everyone who was “different.”

What the fuck happened?

Most of today’s “Christians” are so obsessed with abortion and gay marriage, they’ve forgotten to look up, look around and see what's going on out there in the real world. We’re facing some unimaginable environmental catastrophes, whether they occur next year or the next century. We have a certifiable nutcase in the White House who’s determined to stir up as much trouble around the world as he possibly can. Millions of Americans are living in poverty. Millions more are one paycheck away from homelessness.

Hello??? Does this ring a bell? Any Christians out there? Regardless of anyone’s political opinions about these problems, these are moral issues if there ever was such a thing. Aren’t these the problems Christians should be concerned with? What Would Jesus Do?

As Lisa Miller says, Christians used to “put the suffering of those with less above the suffering of those with more.”

On the day of John F. Kennedy’s funeral, Robert Kennedy wrote a note to his oldest daughter, Kathleen (she was 12 at the time): “You seemed to understand that Jack died and was buried today. As the oldest of the Kennedy grandchildren—you have a particular responsibility now—a special responsibility to John and Joe. Be kind to others and work for your country. Love, Daddy.”

Kathleen Kennedy Townsend now has a book out, “Failing America’s Faithful.” As Lisa Miller puts it, this book is “mourning a world in which being Christian meant caring for others and making sacrifices to solve problems.”

America’s churches have been in the forefront of almost every battle for justice: abolishing slavery, women’s suffrage, the labor movement, the civil rights battles of the 1950s and ‘60s. Today, the people who fought those battles have been replaced by Jerry Falwell, Fred Phelps and James Dobson.

I’m on the American Family Association’s mailing list (“Know Your Enemy” and all that). You wouldn’t believe the hateful, simple-minded garbage they spit out several times a week. 99.9% of it is either about homosexuals or a TV show they're trying to ban. There's never a word about species’ being killed off, or people being downsized out of their jobs and onto the street. Their website has to be seen to be believed. Look at this shit. You'll either bust a gut laughing or be so pissed off you'll have steam coming out of your ears — or both.

There are undoubtedly millions of Christians who are well-intentioned and concerned about other people. But unfortunately their “leaders” — the ones who keep grabbing all the headlines (and the money) — are a bunch of simple-minded douchebags who wish they could turn the clock back to the good old days of the Spanish Inquisition and the Salem Witch Trials.

Earth to Republicans: You Lost

We've all seen articles saying that clueless people have no idea that they're clueless. The person who makes the most Godawful chili in the free world always says “oh, the so-and-so’s are coming over; I’ll make my chili.” Etc. Sometimes it seems that Republicans are unaware that they lost the election last November. Consequently they're continuing the same behavior that caused the public to fire them three months ago.

The House has finally had a chance to vote on the nonbinding resolution against an Iraqi “surge.” The resolution passed, 246 to 182. But Republican “leaders” were continually squelching the possibility of even voting on it. What are they afraid of? Iraqmire is probably the biggest single cause of the Republicans’ defeat. And yet they tried to suppress a nonbinding vote on whether to keep on digging deeper into the hole we’re stuck in. Helllooo!!!

Grand Inquisitor Attorney General Torquemada “Alberto” Gonzales has been infuriating the public for years with one power grab after another. Congress has finally attempted to deal with his latest gimmick — firing federal prosecutors for no reason and replacing them with people whose politics he likes better. Diane Feinstein introduced a bill to counter this latest power grab by Gonzales, and Republicans have blocked the bill. What are they thinking?

Last Fall’s election should've been a wake-up call for the American Taliban (Religious Right, Biblehumpers, whatever you want to call them). The vote was an obvious sign that the public DOES NOT want to turn the clock back to the 4th century. The idea that human life is sacred up to the moment of birth (but not beyond); that there's a “homosexual agenda” which threatens to bring America to its knees; that a 2-year-old child could turn gay from watching the Teletubbies on TV — the public trounced those wackoid/sicko ideas last November. This should've been obvious to everyone.

But NOOOOO!!! Apparently, any Republican presidential contender who wants even a prayer of getting the nomination, must get in bed — get down, get funky, get kinky — with Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and James Dobson. And they’ll be put through their paces. If they can do the smarmy kiss-ass politician’s equivalent of picking up a quarter with their ***BLEEP — this phrase has been censored in case any women or children are reading *** then maybe, just maybe, the Grand Poobah will consider them. But first they’ll have to dance. And squirm. And twist. And ***BLEEP*********

Sorry, but the American Taliban’s stranglehold on the political landscape ain't quite what it used to be. John Q. Public understands this (Hell, s/he was shouting it from the rooftops last November), but apparently some Republican White House contenders don’t get it yet. Any Republican with presidential ambitions who thinks he can go down on Jerry Falwell, James Dobson and Pat Robertson and then get right back out on the campaign trail and say “Hi, I’m a moderate Republican” — two words. Clueless. Unelected.

Republicans must secretly enjoy being the minority party. Because at the rate they're going, they're gonna stay that way for a looong time.