Who Hijacked Our Country

Thursday, December 11, 2008

I Have Converted. I Am Now a Catholic

I got me some religion. No more secular heathen posts from this newfound Christian. I Seen The Light! I Believe!

I may lose some liberal readers, but I’ll gain a whole shitload of Biblehumpers. So there.

Who converted me? No it wasn’t one of those plastic-haired televangelists. And it wasn’t that Jehovah’s Witness who knocked on the door at 7 a.m. last Saturday.

This here is my new mentor. My guru. I was stumbling in the dark, blinded by sin and ignorance, when Cardinal Jorge Medina showed me the light. I been Saved!

My former godless unenlightened self would’ve thought that Chilean Dictator Augusto Pinochet was a bad person. You know — jailing people without charges, torturing and killing them and stuff like that. Now I realize those are GOOD things.

Similarly, I used to think Madonna was good. She’s had a 25-year show business career. She’s brought joy to millions of people all over the world. But the good Cardinal showed me the error of my ways. “This woman comes here and in an incredibly shameless manner, she provokes a crazy enthusiasm, an enthusiasm of lust, lustful thoughts, impure thoughts,” he thundered.

And suddenly, I Got It! That was my Epiphany. And now I feel the overpowering Love of Jesus! And I realize — Madonna is BAD.

Burn, you Sinner!

Thank you Cardinal Medina for showing me The Way.

Lawd, pass me one of them there snakes. I can handle it.

cross-posted at Bring It On!

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Blogger Lew Scannon said...

Only a retired celibate cardinal could have lustful thoughts about Madonna.

December 11, 2008 at 5:35 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Lew: If Madonna and a cute little altar boy were standing next to each other, which one would the cardinal be turned on by?

December 11, 2008 at 10:24 PM  
Anonymous S.W. Anderson said...

OTOH, suppose the cardinal had said something on the order of, "Whew, that Madonna is one hot babe." Heh.

Actually, the cardinal probably did more to boost Madonna's popularity in his part of the world than she could've bought with a million-dollar PR blitz.

December 12, 2008 at 12:48 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

SW: That's true, the cardinal probably gave her a great career boost.

December 12, 2008 at 1:09 AM  
Blogger Carlos said...

Thanky Jeezus. Another dirty heathen has converted and has become clean. You now have the right to tell the rest of us how fucked up we are. ;-)

December 12, 2008 at 1:09 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Carlos: Yes, I've cleaned up my act. Stay tuned for some righteous fire and brimstone :)

December 12, 2008 at 1:13 AM  
Blogger Randal Graves said...

I'm sure Cardinal Madina has a snake for you. Wait, you're an old man, I think you're safe. ;-)

December 12, 2008 at 8:46 AM  
Anonymous shane said...

Whew. You gave me quite a scare there....for a minute. As if there weren't a thousand other things to freak me out today. Please! No more April Fool's jokes in December!

December 12, 2008 at 10:04 AM  
Blogger Snave said...

Heh! Thanks for this post and thanks for your Christmas wishes! Merry Christmas to you to, my friend.

Whoops! Did I actually acknowledge Christmas? How can I keep up my leadership role in the War On Christmas if I don't denounce it? Sorry for my lapse! 8-)

And yes, Merry Christmas everybody.

December 12, 2008 at 11:12 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Randal: No matter how old I am, it's my snake and I want it now.

Shane: Almost gotcha :)

Snave: Oh that's right, Christmas too. I almost forgot; I was so busy making plans for the Winter Solstice when all of us devil worshippers get together to summon the evil spirits :)

December 12, 2008 at 12:52 PM  
Anonymous commontater said...

omg, you had me going there for a minute, Tom Harper! BTW, did you know Madonna is really a man? Why, just look at those thighs! (just kidding, DON'T!:gag)

And kudos, Lew Scannon, for your excellent one-liner..heh heh

December 12, 2008 at 3:42 PM  
Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

Preach it, brother! Save us sinners from hell...or purgatory. According to Dante, popes end up in hell. But you have helped me see my errors. Meet ya in heaven, bro, but it may get old after a while.

December 12, 2008 at 4:11 PM  
Blogger Frogette said...

Dude, you can't just become a catholic, you have to be born one.

Oh and I think the cardinal mistook Madonna for a man. Don't we all?

December 12, 2008 at 5:27 PM  
Anonymous Bee said...

Tom, come back from the dark side...

December 12, 2008 at 7:21 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Commontater: Hmmm, Madonna and Man Coulter both? Uh oh.

Enemy: Ah yes, stay tuned for further preaching. It's my job to convert the unwashed masses.

Frogette: Maybe the cardinal thought Madonna was an altar boy. No wonder he got so aroused.

Bee: OK, I'm back. That brief glimpse was all I could stand.

December 12, 2008 at 11:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think hell would be spending eternity with anybody who thinks s/he is going to heaven. Deliver me from that much goodness, please!

Just call me "Jezebel" -- heh heh.

December 13, 2008 at 12:14 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

"Jezebel": I'm with you on that. I doubt if either of those places exist. If they do, I'd take Hell any day over spending eternity in Heaven with Cardinal Medina, Jerry Falwell, Jesse Helms...

December 13, 2008 at 2:02 PM  
Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

Aren't Catholics pagans in disguise? OOPS, I'm one too! Pagan, that is--stopped the Catholic thing when the ex-Nazi became Pope. Just couldn't get with the program.

December 13, 2008 at 3:42 PM  
Anonymous kate said...

what in the world makes you think people like cardinal medina, jerry falwell and jesse helms will end up in heaven? I think God is much wiser than you give her credit for!

December 13, 2008 at 4:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Looks like the Catholic Church is still mad over the "Like A Prayer" Video she did over 20 years ago.

They wont say it, but I still think it's because she used a Black Jesus. Blasphemy!

The only thing I objected to was her singing scantily clad in front of a choir with kids in it. You can see some of the kids staring at her.

If the Cardinal was really smart, he would show up at the Concert, say an opening blessing, then pass the plate around.



December 13, 2008 at 5:15 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Enemy: An ex-Nazi as Pope -- you're right, that doesn't really send the right message.

Kate: Good one.

Erik: Sounds like a good money scheme -- passing the collection plate around right before her concert.

December 13, 2008 at 6:34 PM  
Blogger Ali said...

HAHA, I love Madonna. Why should Liberals stay away from your blog now that you found faith, are liberals ethiasts or non believers, I don't think so. Anyways if you are interested in some interesting books about Islam, Middle East and so check this


December 17, 2008 at 2:52 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Ali: Thanks for the link. I'll check it out.

I like Madonna. When she first started cranking out the hits in the early '80s, I had no idea she'd last 25 years, but she's really got staying power.

December 17, 2008 at 12:58 PM  
Blogger Ali said...

Is there any music better than the 80's and 90's, I don't think so, well I like Dance music

December 20, 2008 at 11:26 PM  

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