Who Hijacked Our Country

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Republicans’ Plan for the Economy

No smirking now; they really do have one. This brilliant new strategy combines two of the biggest Republican trademarks:

1. Attacking a problem by squelching the symptoms instead of correcting the underlying cause; and

2. Their utter fascination with conducting random drug tests on everybody, everywhere, all the time. There’s something about staring into a jar of urine that absolutely mesmerizes Republicans.

Well, that’s it. You’ve seen their plan. Isn’t is great? So far they’ve only applied this two-pronged battle plan to those whiny parasites who apply for unemployment benefits. But this is just the beginning. Think of the savings. That commie in the White House wants to spend trillions of dollars creating jobs and smothering our free enterprise system with those cumbersome regulations.

But the Republican alternative won’t cost taxpayers a dime. That’s because those unemployed potsmoking leeches will have to pay for these drug tests themselves. Gotcha!

And think of the potential for this approach. It’s unlimited. Do we want to spend trillions of dollars on socialized medicine? Hell No! From now on, when some pansy starts moaning about “I haven’t taken a piss for three days and my lower back hurts. I need to go to the ER” — Not so fast, Whiny! Deal with it! Or, you can piss into this jar. (Oh that’s right, you can’t.)

OK, we’ve saved trillions and trillions of dollars by getting rid of socialized medicine and trouncing that wacky leftwing notion about jobs being created by the government.

Law enforcement is another area that’s draining our treasury. How about this — if you call the police to report a crime, you have to take a drug test. And if you get arrested — for any reason, even if it’s just a traffic stop — drug test.

Same goes for the fire department. God only knows how many false alarms our firefighters have answered because some drug-addled welfare chiseler was lying on the couch and “thought” he saw a fire. Well, we know how to fix this little problem now — don’t we.

If this twofold plan is successful, the 2010 election will be a shoe-in for the Republicans to take back Congress. Republican campaign slogan for 2010: “So many urine samples to stare at, so little time.”

Favorite Republican pickup line: “PSSSST — hey baby, you into water sports? And I’m not talking about swimming and boating [wink]”

cross-posted at Bring It On!



Blogger People in the Sun said...

Steele 2012 (if God tells him it's a good idea)! His plan to hip-hopify the GOP is really working!

March 26, 2009 at 3:40 PM  
Anonymous Bee said...

Ugh, they're sick and twisted in their minds, that's for sure. Drug testing for unemployment benefits - give me a break.

Do you think the other side will ever get just what jackass fools they really are?

March 26, 2009 at 5:11 PM  
Anonymous S.W. anderson said...

Although it's stupid and counterproductive, making drug screening a requirement for receiving various forms of welfare assistance is probably legal. And for those of Blair's mindset, it's defensible.

Unemployment benefits are another matter, because those are paid for by workers, expressly for the purpose of tiding themselves over when they're out of work through no fault of their own. I'm pretty sure such a requirement won't survive a court test. It certainly shouldn't.

BTW, while Blair and others of his particular strain of dim-wittedness are patting themselves on the back for sticking it to the drug-abusing riff-raff, innocent children are sure to be penalized with hunger, lack of warm clothing and maybe even a place to live.

Another triumph of conservative Republican public policy. I hope they hold a testimonial dinner for these SOB's — in the deepest pit in hell.

March 26, 2009 at 10:19 PM  
Blogger DB said...

Once again, conservatives opt for what sounds good on paper and not what will actually work. They are stereotyping welfare recipients and are going to blow the money saved by removing druggies from the system on these random tests. This isn't fiscally sound, but fiscally pointless.

March 26, 2009 at 11:11 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

PITS: Yup, it's working all right. I can't wait 'til NWA or 2 Live Crew starts rapping out the GOP election slogans.

Bee: If they don't figure out what jackasses they are, they'll keep doing the same things again and again, and Obama will be guaranteed an 8-year presidency.

SW: It's probably legal (not including unemployment benefits); I just think it's low and meanspirited. It sure takes a lot of courage to take everything out on the most vulnerable segment of the population.

Hopefully a court would overturn the requirement for people receiving unemployment to take a drug test, since like you say the workers have already paid into this themselves.

DB: I don't think it's fiscally sound at all. Penny wise and pound foolish is the kindest description I can think of. I think they're just trying to keep the culture wars alive by stereotyping laid-off workers as a bunch of drug addicts and hippies.

March 27, 2009 at 1:32 AM  
Blogger Randal Graves said...

Republicans and water sports? Did you really have to go there you sick bastard?

March 27, 2009 at 8:26 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Randal: Gives new meaning to "sick" and "kinky."

March 27, 2009 at 2:25 PM  
Anonymous Screamin' Mimi said...

I used to think "Sicko" was kinda radical -- now I think it didn't go far enough. When you add MUCH MORE oversight by the right wing to our already putrid health care system and our marginally-functioning welfare system, why, kids, the fun is JUST BEGINNING.

Too bad we can't impeach a whole system. :)

March 27, 2009 at 9:49 PM  
Anonymous Carlos said...

It hurt reading that fucking web page. As if the topic and the web design weren't bad enough; the writing was horible - like it was written by some under-literate hillbilly from West Virgi...umm...nevermind.

March 28, 2009 at 3:36 AM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

The y really haven't thought this through have they? I mean, when you throw the drug abusers off the public tit, the only way for them to get their fix is by robbing and stealing from hard working Americans, you know, the people who might actually vote Republican if they hadn't decided to make the streets just a little unsafer.

March 28, 2009 at 3:48 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

SM: Yup, the Right always wants lots of oversight where we least need it -- drug use and other personal "moral" issues.

Carlos: You must mean that website that was mentioned inside the article. I didn't even click on it until you mentioned it. OMG, there are some retards out there. West Virginia is trying to get rid of their Dumb Hillbilly stereotype, and thanks to this asshole they'll be holding onto it for a long time.

Lew: Good point. Some of these righteous conservatives getting mugged by desperate junkies who couldn't draw unemployment because the failed the drug test -- how poetic.

March 28, 2009 at 7:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I remember when they tried to force sterilizations for welfare mothers who had too many children on the public tab (Hello Octoplet mom!).

Lets not forget the old (but still true fact) that the poor of the Appalachians and the rural South and Midwest use more public assistance then the inner cities (read whites vs blacks) add on the recently unemployed, c'mon.

On the other hand as someone who has worked in the financial district in San Francisco and seen Stockbrokers and other financial people ingesting huge qualities of liquor and doing lines maybe we had a point here:

Here after all firms that apply for bail out money, tax breaks and other forms of "corporate welfare" all management has to submit to urine test!

I think that's fair as no sober person could have ever got us in this mess - right?


March 29, 2009 at 3:32 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Erik: That's true, we all need to remember that the red states are a much larger burden on the federal government than the blue states. Perhaps a drug test for all residents of red states...

March 29, 2009 at 8:16 PM  

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