Liquor Distributors Concerned About Underage Drinking

This is a truly heartwarming story. Sometimes large powerful business organizations really DO have a social conscience. They’re not always a bunch of cutthroat money-grubbing sharks, as liberals like to portray them.

This act of charity by the liquor distribution industry is similar to another news story from a few years ago. A bunch of environmental do-gooders were trying to curtail, or even ban, low-flying helicopter tours over the Grand Canyon. The operators of these tours pointed out that low-flying helicopter flights were the only way for elderly and disabled people to ever see the Grand Canyon. These helicopter pilots were selflessly providing a special once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for old, disabled, unfortunate [getting a little teary, a little verklempt…]

And now, alcohol distributors are showing that they, too, can do the right thing.

As you know, teenage drinking has been an ongoing festering problem for generations. And when wild crazy teenagers get together for a night of partying and whoopin’ and hollerin’, their drink of choice is, of course: A bottle of aged, high quality wine that’s been shipped in from out of state.

Ahh [a little twinge of nostalgia] — some things never change.

Come on now, no matter how old you are, just think back to those wild booze binges of your youth. You take a sneak peak at your parents’ list of exotic wines that they’ve ordered. You pore over the list meticulously until — Voila! There’s that 12-year-old Zinfandel that you and your friends have been talking about for months. Yess!!! It’s on the list. You’re gonna snag that motherfucker (your parents won’t notice it’s missing) and you and your buddies are gonna Partee!!!

Those halcyon days…OK, so you’ve scored the Zinfandel, and your wild night is about to begin. As soon as somebody has opened the bottle — with finesse and the proper corkscrew of course — there’s always some lout in the group who wants to reach over and take a swig right away. “Wait! What the fuck are you doin’ Asshole?!?!? Let it breathe!”

Well, as much fun as it is to savor those youthful memories, cracking down on underage drinking is more important. It’s gotta be done. And finally, Congress is listening to the wholesale distributing lobby. There is now a bill in Congress to crack down on this nefarious practice, where wineries can sell and ship their wines directly to their customers.

Teenage drinking will be a thing of the past!

Now in case you’re skeptical of the liquor distributors’ motives (damn liberals and their anti-business whining), here’s a website — Free The Grapes! — with a different take on things.