Who Hijacked Our Country

Friday, May 14, 2010

Liquor Distributors Concerned About Underage Drinking

This is a truly heartwarming story. Sometimes large powerful business organizations really DO have a social conscience. They’re not always a bunch of cutthroat money-grubbing sharks, as liberals like to portray them.

This act of charity by the liquor distribution industry is similar to another news story from a few years ago. A bunch of environmental do-gooders were trying to curtail, or even ban, low-flying helicopter tours over the Grand Canyon. The operators of these tours pointed out that low-flying helicopter flights were the only way for elderly and disabled people to ever see the Grand Canyon. These helicopter pilots were selflessly providing a special once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for old, disabled, unfortunate [getting a little teary, a little verklempt…]

And now, alcohol distributors are showing that they, too, can do the right thing.

As you know, teenage drinking has been an ongoing festering problem for generations. And when wild crazy teenagers get together for a night of partying and whoopin’ and hollerin’, their drink of choice is, of course: A bottle of aged, high quality wine that’s been shipped in from out of state.

Ahh [a little twinge of nostalgia] — some things never change.

Come on now, no matter how old you are, just think back to those wild booze binges of your youth. You take a sneak peak at your parents’ list of exotic wines that they’ve ordered. You pore over the list meticulously until — Voila! There’s that 12-year-old Zinfandel that you and your friends have been talking about for months. Yess!!! It’s on the list. You’re gonna snag that motherfucker (your parents won’t notice it’s missing) and you and your buddies are gonna Partee!!!

Those halcyon days…OK, so you’ve scored the Zinfandel, and your wild night is about to begin. As soon as somebody has opened the bottle — with finesse and the proper corkscrew of course — there’s always some lout in the group who wants to reach over and take a swig right away. “Wait! What the fuck are you doin’ Asshole?!?!? Let it breathe!”

Well, as much fun as it is to savor those youthful memories, cracking down on underage drinking is more important. It’s gotta be done. And finally, Congress is listening to the wholesale distributing lobby. There is now a bill in Congress to crack down on this nefarious practice, where wineries can sell and ship their wines directly to their customers.

Teenage drinking will be a thing of the past!

Now in case you’re skeptical of the liquor distributors’ motives (damn liberals and their anti-business whining), here’s a website — Free The Grapes! — with a different take on things.

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Blogger Snave said...

"Liquor Distributors Concerned About Underage Drinking" does seem to be something along the lines of "Cigarette Makers Concerned About Health Hazards of Tobacco" or "Republican Party Concerned About The Plight Of The Poor". But thanks, Tom, for helping us to see that the large corporations truly are concerned about us, and probably more than they are concerned about making money! 8-)

May 14, 2010 at 4:00 PM  
Blogger Beekeepers Apprentice said...

I suppose that Congress doesn't have anything better to do? Like, how about that oil rig spewing crude...the whole immigration thing...a new supreme court justice to harangue...

Now, if they really want to cut down on underaged drinking, they'll do something about those kegs being shipped straight to high school pep rallies.


May 14, 2010 at 5:38 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

Gee, I wonder how John McCain is going to vote on this........

May 14, 2010 at 8:00 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Snave: Yes, it certainly is encouraging to see how altruistic a large industry can be :)

Bee: Congress, something better to do? LOL. Bending over for their corporate donors, putting a straitjacket on everybody else -- that's their purpose in life.

Lew: I'm sure his wife the booze heiress will lead him by his nose-ring.

May 14, 2010 at 8:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And I remember when it took a legal settlement to get tobacco what congress and the states couldn't do, get them to stop vending cigarettes through cigarette machines where anybody could get them.


May 14, 2010 at 11:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Having said that, I ordered some rare liquor a few years ago from a shop in New York that landed what I couldn't get from all the begging from my local BevMo. I hope that doesn't change


May 14, 2010 at 11:39 PM  
Blogger TomCat said...

Liquor distributors tend to be Mom and Pop operations. As such, they reflect the consciences and social responsibility of their owners. This is what makes them so fifferent from giant corporations.

Corporations are NOT people! Money is NOT speech!

May 15, 2010 at 10:23 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Erik: I've never ordered wine or booze online but I can see the advantages. In Washington you can get beer and wine in supermarkets and grocery stores, but liquor has to be sold in government liquor stores. Selection is pretty good, but they aren't allowed to carry any item that doesn't have a certain popularity/sales level. So if there's something you like that isn't popular with the general public, you're out of luck.

TomCat: Actually, in this case it's the wholesalers and distributors that are the big corporate conglomerates, trying to tighten their monopoly by eliminating competition (ordering and shipping wine across state lines).

May 15, 2010 at 1:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Any State (0r Canada) I've ever known that has State Run Liquor stores has always had less selection then State's without like California. When I used to work in a liquor store people would come in an Oooh and Aaah over our selections as we always had that they couldn't get at home. A Man who was a manager of a State run store in Ohio told me all inventory is standardized by the state and any special orders is a long and tedious process that has to go through the head office itself.


May 15, 2010 at 3:25 PM  

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