Chuck Hagel Would be a Horrible — Atrocious! — Secretary of Defense
by Lindsey Graham
Oh! I just don’t know what gets INTO these people! Chuck Hagel, Secretary of Defense??? Oh please! Awful awful awful!! Hate it!
And why, you ask, would Chuck Hagel be such a dreadful choice for defense secretary?
Well, first of all, he doesn’t worship Israel’s God-given right to build condos and strip malls on every last inch of Palestinian territory. Even worse, he isn’t champing at the bit to invade Iran.
And do you know why? It’s because Chuck Hagel was a war hero during the Vietnam War. He knows first hand the horrors of war. And that’s why he’d make a terrible defense secretary.
The secretary of defense should be a chicken hawk — somebody like me. I turn into aspic at the mere thought of physical violence being visited upon me. But I LOVE war! And I’m the exact type of person we need running the Pentagon.
We need to keep invading other countries in order to keep providing lucrative defense contracts for our biggest corporate donors. If we weren’t hopelessly quagmired somewhere in the world, Halliburton would — ooohh, it’s unthinkable!
And the unthinkable would happen if Chuck Hagel were in charge of the Pentagon — somebody who doesn’t want to start wars because he knows personally what war is like.
As I was saying, I wet my pants in utter terror if somebody even gives me a dirty look, or honks at me on the freeway.
But I LOVE war. Big strapping macho men, fighting! Ugh! Men, manly MEN, hitting each other, hurting each other, making each other scream and — oh God oh God, oh oh — oops, I think I just — excuse me a minute while I go clean myself off…