NRA’s Outreach Program for Children
by Wayne LaPierre
Hi kids. I’m here to talk to you about the most important thing in your household — your gun. In fact, I want you to go and get your gun right now, take it out and look at it. Admire it.
That is, you DO have a gun, don’t you? If you don’t, then you tell Mommy and Daddy to go right out there and get you one. NOW. Your Mommy and Daddy ARE Americans, aren’t they?
Now, Liberals and Communists — wicked people who don’t like America — have been saying mean, nasty things about guns. I hope you haven’t heard any of these terrible things, but in case you have — they’re NOT true.
Anyway, you’ve got your gun now. See how nice it looks, just sitting there all sweet and innocent like? Contrary to what those mean Communists have told you, your gun will NOT get up and start walking around on its own, or start firing itself at people, now, will it?
And isn’t it pretty? I’ll bet it’s the neatest toy you’ve got. And it’s also your friend. Your best friend.
And like all good friends, your gun will be right there by your side during your hour of need. Some bully gave you a wedgie in the locker room? BLAM! A teacher reprimanded you and embarrassed you in front of the whole class? BLAM!
Now later on, when you start getting interested in girls, you can impress them with your powerful shiny gun. And if you can’t find any girls who will go out with you, well, who needs girls? You’ve got your gun. Look at it. Caress it. Lay it on your pillow next to your head, and whisper sweet nothings to it.
Or maybe you’ll get mad at that stuck up girl who wouldn’t go out with you. In that case, you know what to do. [see above]
Isn’t your gun just the neatest coolest thing you’ve ever owned? Or to paraphrase Norman Bates: A boy’s best friend is his gun.