Who Hijacked Our Country

Thursday, December 20, 2012

NRA’s Outreach Program for Children

by Wayne LaPierre

Hi kids.  I’m here to talk to you about the most important thing in your household — your gun.  In fact, I want you to go and get your gun right now, take it out and look at it.  Admire it.

That is, you DO have a gun, don’t you?  If you don’t, then you tell Mommy and Daddy to go right out there and get you one.  NOW.  Your Mommy and Daddy ARE Americans, aren’t they?

Now, Liberals and Communists — wicked people who don’t like America — have been saying mean, nasty things about guns.  I hope you haven’t heard any of these terrible things, but in case you have — they’re NOT true.

Anyway, you’ve got your gun now.  See how nice it looks, just sitting there all sweet and innocent like?  Contrary to what those mean Communists have told you, your gun will NOT get up and start walking around on its own, or start firing itself at people, now, will it?

And isn’t it pretty?  I’ll bet it’s the neatest toy you’ve got.  And it’s also your friend.  Your best friend.

And like all good friends, your gun will be right there by your side during your hour of need.  Some bully gave you a wedgie in the locker room?  BLAM!  A teacher reprimanded you and embarrassed you in front of the whole class?  BLAM!

Now later on, when you start getting interested in girls, you can impress them with your powerful shiny gun.  And if you can’t find any girls who will go out with you, well, who needs girls?  You’ve got your gun.  Look at it.  Caress it.  Lay it on your pillow next to your head, and whisper sweet nothings to it.

Or maybe you’ll get mad at that stuck up girl who wouldn’t go out with you.  In that case, you know what to do.  [see above]

Isn’t your gun just the neatest coolest thing you’ve ever owned?  Or to paraphrase Norman Bates:  A boy’s best friend is his gun.


Blogger jadedj said...

Yeah well see, the problem is, even though every boy needs one, their parents can't just go out and buy one if they don't have one. Most gun stores have sold out of the more "manly" gats and rods since the "incident" of Friday last. Some shit, huh?

December 21, 2012 at 4:45 AM  
Blogger Snave said...

Well-said, Tom!

December 21, 2012 at 10:54 AM  
Anonymous Dave from Sequim said...

The NRA's solution is to have thousands of George Zimmermans patrolling the school hallways. Can't see any problem with that.

December 21, 2012 at 12:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

After Grover Norquist, The Koch Brothers and other assorted Billionaires, these guys are next on the Republican suck up list


December 21, 2012 at 12:59 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

jadedj: It must be nice to be in a business like gun sales, where it gets more lucrative the more paranoid the public gets.

Snave: Thanks.

Dave: Gee, no I can't think of anything that could possibly go wrong.

Erik: I think politicians are more scared of the NRA than anyone. What the NRA lacks in Koch billions, they make up for in organizational skill.

December 21, 2012 at 7:33 PM  
Blogger Trey Smith said...

I have decided that the NRA should be treated like the KKK -- a hate group. Unlike the KKK who hates only particular groups, the NRA seems to hate everybody more or less equally. If they can make money off of death and tragedy, they'll do it.

December 21, 2012 at 10:01 PM  
Blogger Demeur said...

I particularly like someone who said "Let's put a teacher in every gun store."

December 22, 2012 at 9:49 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Trey: I agree. A hate group doesn't have to be focused on one particular ethnic group or any particular segment of society. And the NRA is as hateful as they come.

Demeur: A teacher in every gun store, I like it.

December 22, 2012 at 11:52 AM  
Blogger S.W. Anderson said...

Wayne LaPierre cares little if any about schoolchildren, teachers and their safety. OTOH, he cares a lot about peddling more guns and ammunition to more people. Doing that for a very long time has made him rich and powerful — two things Wayne LaPierre does care a LOT about.

The day will come when someone will have to pry the guns-and-blood money from LaPierre's cold, dead hands. The country will be a little better off from that day on.

December 22, 2012 at 3:48 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

SW: I do hope LaPierre's day of reckoning will come soon, whatever form it takes.

December 22, 2012 at 4:34 PM  

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