Celebrity Boxing Match: Ted Cruz vs. Mike Huckabee

Coming soon to Pay Per View.  

Two horny Teadogs were fighting over a mate.  Mike Huckabee got the girl Photo Op with Kim Davis.  Ted Cruz got his ass kicked (figuratively) and didn't even get to go to the Jesus Party.

OK, you two badasses, save your white-hot fury for the boxing ring.

Who do you think will win?

Official Green Light: Permission Granted to Build Settlements in East Jerusalem

This announcement was made by the world’s greatest living expert in international relations — Mike Huckabee (R—Out Of His League).

The Old Testament fanatic and 2012 presidential candidate was being hosted by the Jerusalem Reclamation Project, an organization that’s pushing for the maximum number of Jewish settlers per square inch in Arabic regions of Jerusalem. Jon Voight was there also.

What, Jon Voight??? Uh oh, time for the usual conservative pantytwist: Tell them there Hollywood elitists to stay out of politics and stick to movie-makin'.

Huckabee told a group of Jewish settlers:

“I cannot imagine, as an American, being told I could not live in certain places in America because I was Christian, or because I was white, or because I spoke English.”

He also told them East Jerusalem is “Israel’s eternal capital” and said they have a right to build settlements anywhere they want in “the place that God gave them.”

Well, that settles that. Case closed.

In other news, a third grader who flunked arithmetic walked into a meeting of college math professors and told them their calculus equation was wrong.

Australia’s Most Wanted: Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, Bill O’Reilly…

Australia has strictly-enforced laws against inciting violence. Julian Assange — that infamous WikiLeaks subversive who’s trying to bring the Free World to its knees — is an Australian citizen.

Certain American politicians and shouting heads have talked about kidnapping/executing/assassinating Julian Assange. The offending blowhards include Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee and Bill O’Reilly, among others.

Mike Huckabee has said Assange should be executed. Bill O’Reilly has urged the execution of the person who leaked the files, but so far not Assange himself. Sarah Palin said Assange should be “pursued with the same urgency we pursue al Qaeda and Taliban leaders.”

Dialing down the hate rhetoric just a notch, Peter King (R—Teabag) said the Secretary of State should officially designate WikiLeaks a “foreign terrorist organization.” Mitch McConnell (R—More Chins than the Hong Kong phone book) said the same thing, adding that if Assange hasn’t violated any U.S. laws, we need to change the law.

Assange’s lawyer — Robert Stary, based in Melbourne — said:

“Our main concern is really the possible extradition to the US. We've been troubled by the sort of rhetoric that has come out of various commentators and principally Republican politicians — Sarah Palin and the like — saying Mr. Assange should be executed, assassinated. Certainly if Sarah Palin or any of those other politicians come to Australia, for whatever purpose, then we can initiate a private prosecution, and that's what we intend to do.”

Sarah, Bill, Mike — Australia is supposed to be really nice this time of year. Wanna get away?

Put another wingnut on the barbie.

Dick Cheney: Eight More Years

Well, not Dick Cheney exactly. But if Rudy Giuliani gets into the White House, he wants his vice president to be someone like Cheney.

Giuliani was answering questions from voters in New Hampshire, and one of them asked who would be Secretary of State in his administration. His answer was:

“Let me 9/11 answer with the 9/11 question of what you 9/11 would look for in a 9/11 vice president first — again without any 9/11 presumption that I'm 9/11 going to be the nominee. A vice president 9/11 has to be a partner in the 9/11 administration. The vice president has to know 9/11 everything that's going on, just in case 9/11 the vice president has to step in at a moment's notice.”

He said he spoke with Cheney on September 11, 2001 and felt that the vice president “had a sense that he knew what he was doing.”

Giuliani also said he might choose his current White House rivals to serve in his cabinet. There's something to look forward to: President Giuliani, and the top cabinet posts being held by Mitt Romney, John McCain, Mike Huckabee…

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With Barack Obama winning in Iowa, the attack is on. Mitt Romney said: “Did you listen to Barack Obama? He is a new face, but gosh when you listen to what comes out of his mouth. It’s like, ‘We're going to just get our troops out of Iraq.’ Have you thought about the consequences?”

Well, Asswipe, that’s pretty much how we got INTO Iraq, isn't it? Were you thinking about “the consequences” then?

Oh, that’s right, there'll be a bloodbath if we pull out of Iraq. If we pull out now, there'll be a bloodbath. If we pull out in 900 years there'll be a bloodbath. Well, as the Great Ronald Reagan once said: “If it takes a bloodbath, let’s get it over with.”

Swiftboat Veterans Against Jesus

It looks like the rift is growing between Big Business and the Rapture crowd. This has to be one of the wackiest most twisted political coalitions in history — money-grubbing CEOs and Bible-totin’ tent revivalists. Helllooo!?!?!?!?! 2,000 years ago a wandering prophet preached love, compassion and tolerance and drove the money changers from the temple. And 2,000 years later, millions of his followers are still reciting his slogans, but they're voting for the money changers. WTF???

Everyone to the left of Grover Norquist and less hateful than James Dobson has probably been waiting for years — decades —for these two groups to finally split up.

It’s easy to deceive yourself and see what you want to see, but things are looking hopeful. First, the “Family Values” dildos were threatening to splinter off into a third party if Giuliani gets the nomination. It’s probably just a hollow threat, but it’s a beginning; a crack in the wall.

And now the same rightwing millionaires who created Chickenhawk Shitstains Slandering a War Veteran Swiftboat Veterans for Truth are aiming their multi-million dollar hate machine toward Mike Huckabee.

Doesn’t Huckabee F%#$in’ Get It??? Sure, 99% of the Bible is about having compassion and helping people and not judging lest ye be judged and all that drivel. But come on, those are just symbols; code words. Nobody takes that shit seriously. One tenth of one percent of the Bible condemns promiscuity and homosexuality, and THIS is what conservative politicians have been focusing on.

THIS is how tens of millions of struggling working-class voters have been persuaded to keep voting against their own interests. “Yes, my opponent wants to increase your wages and raise your living standards, and I plan on keeping you down there in the gutter with piss-poor job prospects, no health coverage and shitty schools. But the good news is, I hate fags and pregnant sluts just as much as you do. Vote for Me!”

And it’s worked like a charm for almost thirty years. And then along comes this dumb redneck do-gooder who actually believes all that shit in the Bible about caring and helping others yada yada yada. And he has millions of followers. He's ruining the Game Plan! Swiftboat Veterans to the rescue!

Houston homebuilder Bob Perry donated $4.5 million to the Slander Kerry campaign in 2004. This year he's backing Mitt Romney’s campaign and so far he's donated $200,000 to ClubForGrowth.net so they can smear Huckabee. Huckabee calls them the Club For Greed, and now it’s payback time.

Come on wingnuts, tear each other apart. Go for the jugular! Maybe, just maybe, this coalition of sickfucks will collapse. It’s sort of like seeing somebody you hate walk down the street yelling at himself and punching himself in the face.