Who Hijacked Our Country

Friday, May 18, 2007

Jerry Falwell Speaks

Greetings everybody. Damn, I'm still not sure what happened the other day. I was sitting there in my office, doing some research on witchcraft and the homosexual agenda, and suddenly everything went blank. Ever since then I've been in this — I don’t know if it’s a “place” or what you'd call it. It’s just so, so, it’s not exactly physical, but it’s like — as soon as you think of a place, you're there. Think of an object and there it is. Instantly. Whew! This is gonna take some getting used to.

I figured out I must be “dead” — whatever that means — after I started seeing the Pope, Gerald Ford, Richard Nixon, Terri Schiavo, Matthew Shepherd, Janis Joplin, Karen Carpenter, Elvis…

I still can't get over how strange, how instantaneous everything is. Everything is so vast — infinite. Whatever dimension this is, it’s impossible to feel any sort of hatred or fear or frustration. And on that note, looking back on my 73 years: (Gasp!) was that small-minded mean-spirited shitstain really me?? How could I have been such a putrid little douchebag? So many good people died young — John Lennon, George Harrison, Dimebag Darrell, Rachel Corrie, Matthew Shepherd — and I just kept on living and living and blighting the world with my hatred.

Now, without trying to downplay what an evil pusbucket I was — I couldn’t have accomplished anything without millions of dumbfucks devoted followers. My wish was their command. I just can't describe what a rush it was when I’d snap my fingers and millions of drones disciples would snap to attention. The glory!! The power!!! Yesss!!!

And that was wrong. People, I appreciate your devotion and your blind obedience to my every spewing. But Goddamnit think for yourselves! What are you, a bunch of sheep? Put down your snakes and get out there and do something constructive. Get a life! There are plenty of manipulative charlatans out there besides me. Don’t listen to them!

That’s all I have to say. Oh, Terri Schiavo just appeared, and she wants to say something:

“Listen up, all you braindead Biblehumping shitheads. I spent fifteen years trying to get to this place, this state of being, and you dumbfucks kept me in a hospital bed hooked up to a feeding tube. For fifteen years I was nothing but a vegetable — a blob! — and you dickheads made me stay there. Fuck you all!”

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Blogger Jim Marquis said...

Great post. Especially the Terry Schiavo part.

May 18, 2007 at 5:14 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

J. Marquis: Thanks. If I were in Schiavo's position that's what I'd be thinking.

May 18, 2007 at 5:37 PM  
Blogger LET'S TALK said...

That just made me think of how messed up the people that followed Falwell are.

It seems to always be Republicans following some "you know what" for silly reasons.

May 18, 2007 at 6:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's a fucking hilarious post! I'm thinking I should read it to my sister who is a bible-thumping nut case from the Pentecostal Church.

May 18, 2007 at 7:41 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Let's Talk: Yeah, it's always a mistake to follow a demagogue. The worst dictators in history couldn't have done what they did without millions of followers.

Benjamin: Thanks, glad you liked it. Hope your sister doesn't get too offended.

May 18, 2007 at 8:04 PM  
Blogger PoliShifter said...

Great post Tom

my thoughts when I first heard that Fall Well had "passed out" was that maye, just mayeb he woudl have a near death experience...You know the drill...go to a dark warm place for a momment unitl he blubbered and cryed asking for forgiveness before being brought back into the light.

And as he was resusitated in the ER that he would jump off the table and proclaim he has finally seen the light...and FINALLY start preaching the REAL message of Jesus Chist (love, tolerance, forgiveness, acceptance)

Sort of like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas or something...

Oh well....there's still Pat Robertson

May 18, 2007 at 8:43 PM  
Blogger spaceneedl said...

if it's true that falwell is now in a better place, then why didn't someone think to send him there years ago?

jus' sayin' is all.

p.s. if his theology is his destiny, isn't it far more likely he's not in a better place?

jus' sayin' again...

May 18, 2007 at 8:58 PM  
Blogger Lizzy said...

Excellent post!!!

May 18, 2007 at 9:40 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

PoliShifter: Yeah, that would've been nice if he'd had some sort of near death experience and then come back all mellow and forgiving. At least we're rid of him now. Except, like you say, we still have Pat Robertson, Lou Sheldon, James Dobson...

Spaceneedl: Wherever he is, if anywhere, it's too bad he didn't go there a long time ago. Since he wanted billions of people to go to Hell, it would be poetic for him to be there, if there is such a place.

Lizzy: Thanks.

May 18, 2007 at 10:08 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

Good one!
I always thought of Jerry The Fat as a sociopath and Pat Robertson as a true believer, and wondered from time to time which was more dangerous. I think it's Robertson, who actually believes the shit he spews.

May 20, 2007 at 5:50 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Candace: Thanks. I don't know if any of those snakeoil salesmen believe the shit they're spewing. Pat Robertson would probably be the most likely. I think most of them just found a good hustle and they're addicted to the money and power (especially the power). I know that James Dobson has a Ph.D. in psychology; not Divinity or whatever you'd expect a "man of God" to have a Ph.D. in.

May 20, 2007 at 9:54 AM  
Blogger Snave said...

Falwell, Dobson, Robertson, Oral Roberts, Franklin Graham... maybe even Franklin's dad Billy... all have their PhD's in bullshit, anyway. They are all graduates of Snake Oil University, from the Elmer Gantry Department of Evangelism, with double-degrees in Intolerance and Divisiveness. I really am hoping that school loses its accreditation during the coming years.

May 20, 2007 at 12:00 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Snave: Ah yes, Snake Oil University. A very fine institution of higher learning. Aluminum Siding, Phishing Scams, Evangelism -- all excellent departments at this upstanding college.

May 20, 2007 at 12:10 PM  
Blogger People in the Sun said...

I'm glad he changed his mind in the end. I just hope that for the rest of them it doesn't take dying with their bellies full and their minds hollow echoing with the cries and the scorn of those they spend their lives to destroy in the name of something they will not have a chance of understanding in their lifetime.

But every now and then I have some bad feeling about making fun of a dead human being. The poor fat bastard is going to have the God Hates Fags nutcases demonstrating in his funerals becuase he was too Liberal, for Christ's sake...

But I know this feeling of sympathy will pass once I turn the TV on and see William Donahue saying museums should not exhibit art his limited brain finds offensive.

How did any of these retards get to have their faces on TV in the first place?

May 20, 2007 at 2:30 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

People In The Sun: Yeah, that's pretty ironic that the Fred Phelps gang might demonstrate at Falwell's funeral because Falwell was "too tolerant" of gays. LOL.

I guess the reason those retards get on TV is that there are millions of braindead blobs out there in TV-land who tune in to that shit and send their money to those assholes. That doesn't say much for the intelligence and education level of millions of Americans.

May 20, 2007 at 3:00 PM  
Blogger NEWSGUY said...

This is to Jerry F.

If it is so easy for you to post a blog on "Who Hijacked Our Country," why don't you post some common sense remarks on the RNC Web site, or send a few examples of your new-found enligntenment to Karl Rove and Dick Cheney?

You think you can just absolve yourself of the shitstorm you brought this country ever since you supported that affable (great communicator) moron Ronald Reagan and that incompetent (but crafty) moron George Bush?

Uh uh, you aint gonna get off that easy. It's up to you to work from the Other Side there to try to help fix the incalculable damage you did to this country.

How about visiting Dubya late at night as a dark spirit standing by his bedpost and rattling some chains, a la Marley at Scrooge's bedside in Dicken's Christmas story? Once you have the Commander Guy's attention, let him know who you are and give him a lecture to turn his hair white. That might help just the tiniest bit to erase some of the hate and division you generated while you were on this earth.

May 20, 2007 at 3:30 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Newsguy: Jerry says "nah, that would be too constructive. It's easier to just give a meaningless generic apology and pretend I care. I'm having too much fun here; God, I see everything. Betcha didn't know that Laura Bush has been dead since 1999. That's why she looks like a cadaver -- she is one. Dumbya and Rumsfeld have been -- oops, I'm not supposed to say anything."

May 20, 2007 at 6:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


-- 1138

May 21, 2007 at 11:25 AM  
Blogger Kitchen Window Woman said...

What a fantastic post! Wow! I'm still laughing. Gee Whiz to think of that nasty, hateful little man seeing the error of his ways - what a delicious twist. You have out done yourself!

May 21, 2007 at 11:27 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

1138: Thanks.

Kitchen Window Woman: Thanks. That would be ironic, seeing Falwell repenting.

May 21, 2007 at 11:41 AM  

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