SpongeBob

Whew!! We’ve been saved again. While most of us were just going our merry way, oblivious to the evils lurking in our TV sets, a brave band of moral guardians has vanquished another enemy at the gates.

Most of us had no idea of the danger we were in. You, too, probably thought SpongeBob was just an innocent – if wacky – cartoon character. Well, we were all duped, and we’ll never know how close we were to the edge. He’s gay! And he wants to corrupt millions of American children and turn them into – oh, it’s too awful to think about.

We owe our survival to two Christian activist groups, the American Family Association and Focus on the Family.

At least Jerry Falwell can be assured that when he finally goes to his reward, his work will be carried on by plenty of like-minded saviors. It was Falwell who alerted us to the menace of the Teletubbies in 1999. One of them was gay, and the Teletubbies’ audience was mostly toddlers, some as young as one year old. Just imagine – some infants might have started turning gay before they even learned to speak. (What would their first words be?) If the Good Reverend Jerry hadn’t alerted us in time, our grade schools might be inundated right now with armies of militant 7-year-old homosexuals.

And, let’s give credit where it’s due. Jerry Falwell probably learned a lot from the Reverend Donald Wildmon, who went on a TV censorship crusade during the 1970s and ‘80s. And he didn’t just go after the obvious dangers – sitcoms with suggestive language, violent police dramas, etc. His most astute discovery: the cartoon series Mighty Mouse contained references to drug use.

Evil is lurking everywhere. Please save us.