Letter from Karl Rove
Attaboy!! I can always count on you, Osie Baby. God, and just in time. Some of these Goddamn reporters and bloggers have been poking their noses where they don’t belong. Things were getting way too close for comfort. You sure saved my ass with your little “diversion” this morning. Whew!! I owe you!
God, people sure are a bunch of sheep. Every time I think they won’t fall for another one of your little “distractions,” they fall harder than ever. Yesss!!! Those education cuts that we started in the 1980s are working better than I ever hoped. God, what a generation of dumbfucks!! It doesn’t even matter how stupid Sockpuppet George is, the American public makes him look like Einstein.
God, I’m so relieved. This time yesterday everything just sucked. Sucked!! Sockpuppet’s poll ratings were lower than ever. He wasn’t even able to hold his own at that G8 meeting — squirming and twitching every time those treehugging euroweenies starting whining about Africa and global warming. And now our London “project” has really given them something to whimper about. Awwright!! Africa, global warming? Don’t think so!
Yesterday it looked like I might be doing the perp walk for my Valerie Plame trick. They really throw the book at you for treason, don’t they? I don’t want to go to jail. I don’t wanna. I won’t. Please God, Allah, anybody — I can’t go to jail. Perp walk, hell, what kind of walk would I be doing after a short time in jail? Nooo!!! That’s for lower-class laborer types, not the upper crust like me.
I got beaten up by a girl once. I don’t know how I’d defend myself against a large sweaty tattooed convict who wanted to do wicked things to me. Ooohhh!!!
But it’s all moot now. Valerie Plame, Iraqi war deaths, Downing Street memos, our little scheme for Iran, Chicken George’s poll ratings — all relegated back to page 41 where they should’ve stayed. We’re gonna have to have a talk with some of our media puppets; give them a little “reminder” not to let these embarrassing stories leak into the headlines again.
And now we’ll be able to expand the Patriot Act beyond our wildest wetdreams. Ugghhh!!! Ugghhh!!! Yeesssss!!!!!!!
Oh God, Osama, I’m so grateful, I can’t even express it. You sure saved my ass (literally!). I hope this is all the help we’ll need for awhile, but I’m still keeping you on retainer. The 2006 midterm election campaign will be in full swing this time next year, and I’m all out of phony wedge issues; I’ve used them all up. So I may need you again.
Let’s see, New York, Madrid, London — where should our next location be? Hell, we can cross that bridge when we come to it. Thanks again for all your invaluable assistance.