State of the Union Speech

Complete text of the SOTU is here.

A few excerpts:

Dang it, why’d she pick today to die? Shit, now I’m gonna have to grit my teeth, hold my nose and say something nice to the nigra voters.

“Today our Nation lost a beloved, graceful, courageous woman who called America to its founding ideals and carried on a noble dream. Tonight we are comforted by the hope of a glad reunion with the husband who was taken so long ago, and we are grateful for the good life of Coretta Scott King.”

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Hey, my rhetoric in 2000 about “changing the tone in Washington” sure snowed everybody. Since my poll ratings have sunk lower than whaleshit, I guess I better trot that out again.

“In a system of two parties, two chambers, and two elected branches, there will always be differences and debate. But even tough debates can be conducted in a civil tone, and our differences cannot be allowed to harden into anger. To confront the great issues before us, we must act in a spirit of good will and respect for one another – and I will do my part.”

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That fuckin’ John Murtha, who's he think he is, criticizing my war. When I get through Swiftboating that sonofabitch, everyone’s gonna think he killed John Kennedy, invented AIDS, and single-handedly flew those two airliners into the World Trade Center.

“Our coalition has learned from our experience in Iraq…Along the way, we have benefited from responsible criticism and counsel offered by Members of Congress of both parties. In the coming year, I will continue to reach out and seek your good advice.”

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I’ve only got a coupla weeks to persuade my bitches in Congress to grant me complete total absolute power. Forever. I gotta push the right buttons. Here goes:

“The enemy has not lost the desire or capability to attack us. Fortunately, this Nation has superb professionals in law enforcement, intelligence, the military, and homeland security. These men and women are dedicating their lives to protecting us all, and they deserve our support and our thanks. They also deserve the same tools they already use to fight drug trafficking and organized crime – so I ask you to reauthorize the Patriot Act.”

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My newest spying scandal sure went over like a lead balloon. No problemo — I’ll just change the name to “terrorist surveillance” and watch the American people lap it up. And so far, millions of Americans still don’t know about those memos I received in August 2001, warning about terrorists using hijacked airplanes as weapons. Or the FBI and CIA not sharing information or connecting the dots. Let’s keep it that way.

“It is said that prior to the attacks of September the 11th, our government failed to connect the dots of the conspiracy...So to prevent another attack – based on authority given to me by the Constitution and by statute – I have authorized a terrorist surveillance program to aggressively pursue the international communications of suspected al-Qaida operatives and affiliates to and from America.”

Etc.