Assault With Deadly Marijuana!
Terrorists have struck again! Dallas is in flames! This time the terrorists didn’t need hijacked airliners — they used evil marijuana.
Marijuana muffins in the hands of two high school seniors — My God, we need to strengthen the Patriot Act! More surveillance! More prisons!
Thank God the FBI has gotten involved. A terrorism task force was also called in.
The two students delivered the deadly muffins to the teachers’ lounge at their high school. Eighteen school employees reported feelings of lightheadedness and other symptoms. Uh oh — Reefer Madness!
With all due sympathy to these eighteen victims, they’ll need to be quarantined and watched very very closely. We all know what marijuana can do. These poor dupes will soon be heroin addicts, crazed lunatics, and Communists. They probably should just be shot and put out of their misery.
The two teenage terrorists are each facing five felony assault charges. Since illegal drugs were involved, prosecutors are trying to upgrade the charges. The students could get a maximum of twenty years.
It is this writer’s opinion that our wimpy American prison system is too good for these wicked perverts. They need to be rendered to one of our secret CIA prisons in Uzbekistan for some serious torture.