Who Hijacked Our Country

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Assault With Deadly Marijuana!

Terrorists have struck again! Dallas is in flames! This time the terrorists didn’t need hijacked airliners — they used evil marijuana.

Marijuana muffins in the hands of two high school seniors — My God, we need to strengthen the Patriot Act! More surveillance! More prisons!

Thank God the FBI has gotten involved. A terrorism task force was also called in.

The two students delivered the deadly muffins to the teachers’ lounge at their high school. Eighteen school employees reported feelings of lightheadedness and other symptoms. Uh oh — Reefer Madness!

With all due sympathy to these eighteen victims, they’ll need to be quarantined and watched very very closely. We all know what marijuana can do. These poor dupes will soon be heroin addicts, crazed lunatics, and Communists. They probably should just be shot and put out of their misery.

The two teenage terrorists are each facing five felony assault charges. Since illegal drugs were involved, prosecutors are trying to upgrade the charges. The students could get a maximum of twenty years.

It is this writer’s opinion that our wimpy American prison system is too good for these wicked perverts. They need to be rendered to one of our secret CIA prisons in Uzbekistan for some serious torture.


Anonymous James said...

Maybe they could just check into rehab and avoid prosecution. It worked for Limbaugh and Kennedy.

May 28, 2006 at 12:25 AM  
Blogger Peter Matthes said...

Great minds think alike.

May 28, 2006 at 5:51 AM  
Blogger Brad said...

It's hysterical that some woman was in the hospital for 2 days. I guess, even working around the clock, it takes time to get rid of the giggles and munchies.

May 28, 2006 at 7:47 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

James: Nah, that only works for celebrities. Besides, those drugs are legal. But marijuana does unspeakable things, and we need to crack down big time :)

Peter: Yes, then we agree that those two teenage terrorists need to be dealt with very harshly.

Brad: I wish there had been a video camera to show these people being stoned without knowing it. Too much.

May 28, 2006 at 8:52 AM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

The teens should have to watch refer madness one thousand times!

May 28, 2006 at 9:26 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Ole Blue The Heretic: Yup, that would be a fitting punishment. That and "Marijuana: Assassin of Youth." Two of the most hilarious stoner movies ever made.

May 28, 2006 at 11:14 AM  
Blogger ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

I'm going to link you up on the "With Sticks and Stones" blog...you rock.

May 28, 2006 at 6:40 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Ariadnek, Ph.D.: Thanks. I've got "With Sticks and Stones" linked.

May 28, 2006 at 7:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Not to get into it with you, but the "impeach Bush" banner is a bit silly.

It'll never happen. Bush doesn't get blow jobs in the oval office.

May 29, 2006 at 1:51 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Unfortunately, you're probably right. I have that banner because I think he should be impeached, not because I think he will be. Too many lockstep politicians (of both parties) don't have the balls to follow the Constitution and impeach a treasonous president.

May 29, 2006 at 2:24 PM  
Blogger ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

Anonymous (once again, yet another yellow soul who lacks the balls to leave a name):

Considering the short time period in which it has taken your president to turn a nation I was once proud of into a dirty secret that I'd prefer no one in the world know about, impeachment is the only thing that would make me smile. Well, there's also the "A"-word (look up "Tecumseh's Curse")t I won't get into that here. ;-)

Hell, if general morale (J.F.K.; remember "Camelot", or am I showing my age?) and economic stability (even -gasp!- prosperity under Clinton) are boosted by a little sexual variety, then I'd gladly support having a designated "First Mistress" in the White House.

Paris Hilton, save us!!! :-P

May 29, 2006 at 3:36 PM  
Blogger ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

Tom, thanks for letting me link. I had meant to do so a long time ago, but dealing with some...uh..."mental issues" from last October-January followed by my relocaction to a new job, I've been neglectful of my blog duties. :-)

May 29, 2006 at 3:38 PM  
Blogger ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

As for the pot aritcle: I too am stunned by the whole drama, especially the statement of "hospitalization". FUCK!!! The "victims" should instead have been sequestered in a dimly-lit room with colorful Salvador Dali posters (as well as black-and-white Escher tesselations) and a stereo softly playing Pink Floyd (preferably the old stuff like "Echoes" and "Saucerful of Secrets"), Dead Can Dance, Spiritualized ("200 Bars"), and/or Spacemen 3. Copious quantities of Hawaiian Punch, Funyuns, and Double Stuff Oreos should have been freely available as well.

NOT like I would personally know anything of such atrocities...or condone them. ;-)

May 29, 2006 at 3:45 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Ariadnek: Unfortunately I think that anonymous commenter is right, that Bush doesn't stand much chance of impeachment. Even if the Democrats take the House back this November, most of them will be too spineless and ball-less to impeach or investigate Bush. I hope it doesn't work that way, but it seems that way.

I think that anonymous commenter is the same person who's left several wacky obscene (unpublished) comments here. I went ahead and published that one comment since it was relatively civil. I have the person's location, Internet Service Provider name and IP (plus comment moderation) so either way, no problemo.

Yes, Paris Hilton please report to the Oval Office.

Yup, those pot victims should have been treated to an acid-rock concert, Dali paintings, blacklight posters, and tons of Oreos.

May 29, 2006 at 4:09 PM  
Blogger Kevin said...

Thanks for the warning over at my blog. Added you to my Rational Bloggers side bar, which is a list of bloggers who I think I could have a decent discussion about an issue with if I wanted. They are the people I am happy to meet in the blogosphere. Jenn, however, is not the kind of person I look forward to meeting.

May 29, 2006 at 4:09 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Kevin: Thanks. I'll add your newest blog to my links (the one that I found through Jenn's comment section. At least she was good for something.)

May 29, 2006 at 4:15 PM  
Blogger David Schantz said...

Thanks, I'd missed this. When I was in school (many years ago) I sometimes thought my teachers had been smoking. Maybe someone sliped them some muffins. I'm going to get my copy of Refer Madness out tonight, I could use another laugh.

God Bless America, God Save The Republic.

May 29, 2006 at 4:19 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

David: Yeah, I sometimes used to wonder what my high school teachers were smoking. This makes me want to watch "Reefer Madness" and "Marijuana: Assassin of Youth" again.

May 29, 2006 at 4:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Too many lockstep politicians (of both parties) don't have the balls to follow the Constitution and impeach a treasonous president."

But Tom, he's not treasnonous and has never been proven to be treasonous in any court of law.

Don't you think that the banner is a bit too much science fiction? I do. It tends to remove some of the intelligent idealism you are trying desperately to preach here.

May 29, 2006 at 6:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

From your reader's posts, it sounds as if they want to legalize marijuana and support its very existence.

That's the bane of liberalism: support pot, support rights to smoke it, and teach our kids that marijuana is ok, and that the "paranoic norm" is wrong about it.

May 29, 2006 at 6:53 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Anonymous: Science fiction? No way. There's always hope. Maybe some congressmen will grow spines and start doing their jobs. Not likely, but it's possible. He needs to be impeached (i.e. put on trial). If he doesn't get convicted, fine; at least the wheels of justice will be turning.

Other Anonymous (same person, I'm assuming): I thought liberals were in favor of "big government." The "limited government" that conservatives are always talking about would mean pot (and other victimless crimes) should be de-criminalized. If you're who I think you are, two of your favorite conservative bloggers have done recent posts in favor of decriminalizing marijuana. So there.

May 29, 2006 at 9:12 PM  
Blogger Gun-Toting Liberal said...

Late to the party, but you already know how I feel about this from my comment on your x-post to BIO, bro.

Just keep on bloggin' on, bro...

They'll start listening soon enough if we'll just keep on the "message".... OUR "message", not the Dems'. We can take our party back, brother. And I AIM to...

May 29, 2006 at 11:59 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

GTL: Thanks. Yep, we'll take our party back, and our country. That "Bloggers For Inclusive Debates" blogroll is getting huge. The more the merrier.

May 30, 2006 at 2:22 AM  
Anonymous James said...

support pot, support rights to smoke it, and teach our kids that marijuana is ok

God no they might thinking other people also had rights and *gulp* the ability to disagree

May 30, 2006 at 11:27 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

James: Yup, those "limited government" conservatives have their heads up their asses. Corporations should be able to do whatever they want, no matter how many people they affect; but if an individual lights up a joint -- call in the government.

This anonymous commenter has been lurking ever since I commented at this site about a week ago. Most of his/her/its comments were too obnoxious and didn't get published.

May 30, 2006 at 11:44 PM  
Blogger spaceneedl said...


i'm gonna dissent here.

getting somebody stoned who doesn't necessarily want to be stoned is assault. maybe the 86-year-old admin was on some meds that don't combine well with thc.

i don't know, and the pinheads who put her in the hospital didn't know either.

look, i'm in favor of legalizing marijuana, and the war on drugs is a joke, yada yada.

but this doesn't sound like my kind of prank. it sounds more like a couple of knuckleheads need to be bitch-slapped upside the head.

May 31, 2006 at 4:50 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Spaceneedl: I agree that what these kids did was wrong. I only did this post because of all the hysteria (Texas-style) that surrounded this incident. If it was any other drug (legal or illegal) than marijuana, there wouldn't have been half this much hysteria. There just seemed to be a "Reefer Madness" quality to the whole thing.

Sure, bitch-slapping would be a fitting punishment for the two pranksters. They definitely need to be punished; but 10 - 20 years is way too excessive, and that's what the prosecutors are pushing for.

May 31, 2006 at 7:34 PM  
Blogger spaceneedl said...

agreed: felony charges are effing stupid. one of the kids is an honors student fer cryin' out loud.

hopefully prosecutors will have an epiphany and realize that maybe ruining the lives of two kids is not exactly proportional to the crime.

May 31, 2006 at 8:14 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

They definitely need to be punished. Either community service and/or a token jail sentence. It's definitely a dirty trick to play on people. But felony charges, or 10-20 years in prison -- no way.

May 31, 2006 at 8:59 PM  

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