Who Hijacked Our Country

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Enlistment Age: Going Up and Up

Don’t pay any attention to all that leftwing naysaying. Military recruitment is going just fine, thank you very much. The Marine Corps is bringing thousands of inactive Marines back to Iraq — well, ahem, sputter, uh, it’s, it’s not what you think. The Army has raised its enlistment age to 42 — uhh, mmm, squirm, now let’s not read anything into this.

Look on the bright side. Families are going through Boot Camp together. Family memories are being created. Imagine: you’re 42 years old, and your 19-year-old son is in the same company with you. Your drill sergeant runs up to you, face twisted in fury, and yells “Listen up, Worm! How many times to I have to show you this?!?!”

And there’s your son, watching Daddy get screamed at and dissed by a younger stronger tougher male. Ahh, a Kodak moment.

America is sure changing — and for the better of course. Low-income workers don’t need any help from the government because if they aren’t making enough money they’re just stupid and lazy. We don’t need to worry about Environmental Armageddon — if it happens, it was God's will. And military service is no longer just for the young and fit: if you can breathe and talk, We Need You!!!

Until recently the enlistment age was 35 (and most enlistees were much younger than that). Then they raised the maximum age to 39 because things were a little, well, uhh…you know…And now it’s 42??? We might as well just cut to the chase and start scouring retirement communities and assisted living facilities. “Sir! You moved! Uncle Sam Wants You!!!”

Pretty soon running 10 or 15 miles a day and doing jillions of pushups will be replaced by Yoga, deep breathing and various physical therapy movements. “Drop down and give me 40!!!” will give way to “now, try to move your arm slowly in a circular motion. That’s gooood.”

And think of the money saved by the Pentagon and the Veterans’ Administration. We have countries to invade; we don’t have money to spend on whiny veterans coming home and crying “Waaaaahhhh!!!!! I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.” “Boohoohooooooo!!! I lost my right leg.”

The VA will be able to respond with “Hell, his great-grandson says he can’t remember anything anyway. We’re off the hook.” “He was already limping along with a cane. So what if he lost a leg — what’s the difference?”

Someday, foxholes will be full of soldiers reminiscing about their childhoods, and repeating the same stories over and over. And watch for armored vehicles patrolling the streets of Baghdad — with their left blinkers on.


Blogger Trollmeister said...

Bush is still your President.

I would have thought that the campaign by hundreds of nerds...ahem... splutter....sorry bloggers accross the country would have catapulted him from office by now.

How come not?

August 25, 2006 at 2:25 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

How come not? Too many gullible nerds like you still believe everything he says.

August 25, 2006 at 8:59 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

To be honest, older people in the military can only be a good thing. Fewer rapes, for one thing. (As long as Viagra is banned). Now that the Army has more recruits by upping the age limit, they should start requiring people to have at least one year of college or one year of work experience. That would get rid of the Steven Green types, or most of them, anyway.

August 25, 2006 at 4:25 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Elizabeth: Sure, there are some advantages to older enlistees (the ones you mentioned). But they keep upping the age because they're so desperate for recruits. They aren't about to start increasing their education requirements. They're taking high school dropouts, drug addicts, people with criminal records, people who are way out of shape -- none of these people could have gotten into the military before. They recently sent several thousand inactive Marines back to Iraq. Recruiters are getting desperate, and this higher enlistment age is just one of the symptoms.

August 25, 2006 at 5:13 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Personally, and as a veteran, I think the military has it all backwards with their "enhanced enlistment opportunities." You see, the average patriotic 42 year-old has been paying taxes and loving his country for decades; he's paid his dues! No, what we should be doing is LOWERING the minimum enlistment age. Let's start scouring the middle schools, say I...those kids have no shortage of energy (and besides what have they ever done for their country!)

I submit that we use what remains of the New Orleans public school system as a test of this idea. Who's with me?

August 26, 2006 at 6:30 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Rex: Hey, there you go. If they're young enough, their excess energy will have the drill sergeants panting and collapsing. And like you said, they haven't paid any dues. It's time they started.

August 26, 2006 at 9:09 AM  
Blogger J. Marquis said...

I feel really bad for these soldiers. They're paying for
mistakes made by delusional

August 26, 2006 at 9:22 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

J. Marquis: Yup, I feel bad for them too. The chickenhawks make all the war plans and reap all the benefits, and soldiers and their families pay the price.

August 26, 2006 at 9:55 AM  
Blogger frstlymil said...

And meanwhile, how many soldiers did they get rid of or deny enlistment to because they were gay? Including a couple hundred that were fluent in Arabic.

The mind boggles.

August 26, 2006 at 10:42 AM  
Blogger Mike V. said...

Hell, not only people that can breathe and walk, they're letting people in with fucked up heads and rap sheets because they can't get anyone to enlist.

August 26, 2006 at 1:58 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Frstlymil: Yup, it's mind-boggling. If you have valuable skills and high qualifications, they'll kick you out for being gay. But as long as you're straight, they'll take you even if you're 200 pounds overweight, can't do a single pushup and dropped out of school in tenth grade. I guess they know what they're doing...

Mike: And it keeps getting worse. Somebody told me today that the enlistment age will soon go up to 46. I sure hope that isn't true. But they're getting more desperate; who knows what's next.

August 26, 2006 at 3:40 PM  
Blogger Mike V. said...

"to live in this town, you must be tough tough tough."
"I can't give it away on 7th Ave."

Stones, Shattered?
Up and up?
Get it?
I'm old.

August 28, 2006 at 9:36 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Mike: Yup, there's a whole set of inside jokes for us old farts.

August 29, 2006 at 6:06 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

Well I think we should all join the military to get weapons training in case we need to overthrow the government (I'm only 42). Of course, we'll need more than M16-A2 rifles for that...ok, some of us need to join the Air Force...

August 30, 2006 at 3:58 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Elizabeth: Maybe Switzerland has the right idea. If I understand correctly, all adults spend about 3 weeks a year in the military. The country has a huge standing army at all times.

August 30, 2006 at 5:54 PM  
Blogger BIGMAC said...


August 30, 2006 at 8:13 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home