Dick Cheney Dies At Walter Reed Hospital

The Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney, has died at Walter Reed Hospital. He was checked in yesterday for routine tests after a blood clot was discovered. He developed a severe infection due to a rat infestation in his room and a mysterious fungus growing on the walls, and has now died as a result of the infection.

The Vice President has no connection with the U.S. Army — he bragged repeatedly about his five draft deferments and his “other priorities” during the Vietnam War. But somehow the keywords “one heartbeat away” and “commander-in-chief” ended up in his online profile. This caused the Vice President to be sent to Walter Reed for treatment, even though this hospital is ONLY for soldiers and veterans.

The recently-fired General who was in charge of Walter Reed Hospital and the Secretary of the Army (who fired the general and was later fired himself) were seen banging their heads against a wall. (Their own heads, not each other’s.)

A reporter heard them moaning “Why????” “Who Knew????” “We could’ve killed those rats years ago; should’ve scrubbed that mold off the walls back in ’93.” “How were we supposed to know a VIP would be sent here???” “I thought this hellhole was only for grunts, gimps, you know, blue-collar types…”