Who Hijacked Our Country

Friday, October 22, 2010

The Biggest Failures of My Presidency

By George W. Bush

Privatizing Social Security was my biggest priority from the day I got appointed to the White House by the two Supreme Court justices that my daddy had appointed to the Supreme Court. How’s that for a cozy little — uhh, anyway…

Privatizing Social Security was even more important than overthrowing Saddam Hussein like my daddy wasn’t man enough to do, so Mommy would love me again and take me back and Jeb is still jealous ‘cause I got to be president and he didn’t. I wanted so bad to get my hands on those billions of Social Security dollars and yank them away from those worthless peons who earned it, they never donated to my election campaigns, what’d they ever do for me? I wanted to take that Social Security money from them lowly working stiffs and give it to my friends — the Haves and the Have Mores. You know, the one percent of Americans who count for something.

I’m proud of my invasion of Iraq, especially the way Karl and Uncle Dick pulled it off by scaring the shit out of all those gullible voters. Weapons of Mass Destruction, teeheeheeheehee. Those stupid inbred trailer goons fell for that bullshit, hook line and sinker, and I’M the one they call stupid?!?!?!?

I’m proud of leading Murka into the longest war in her history. I AM somebody! But I was kinda hoping for a higher body count. Body counts are just, well, they’re cool, you know? Vietnam, over 40,000 American soldiers and millions of gooks. BAM! POW! Iraq, just over 4,000 American soldiers and maybe 100,000 Iraqi civilians. Close but no cigar, damn it!

I was hoping to keep Enron going strong for a long time. I was sure sorry they imploded like they did. But that was a damn fine party while it lasted. We sure put one over on those California Yuppies and their rolling blackouts. Hey, get a load of this: What’s the difference between California and the Titanic? When the Titanic went down, the lights were on, heeheeheehee. But the fun didn’t last, and my old buddy Ken Lay had to fake his own death and go running off to their secret villa in the South Pacifi — Fuck, I wasn’t supposed to say anything about that.

But Social Security, that was a damn disappointment. A failure! I let my Wall Street friends down. I feel bad about it, and they were mighty pissed off at me. They still are. I don’t think they even want to be my friends any more. But that’s OK, I’ll always have my REAL friends: Jim Beam, George Dickel, Evan Williams, Jack Daniels, Ezra Brooks, Johnny Walker…

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9 Comments:

Anonymous Screamin' Mimi said...

Oh, I love it. Maybe when GWB goes on Oprah he'll jump up and down on the couch while he follows this script. I never watched Oprah in my life, but this would be worth it!

October 22, 2010 at 4:53 PM  
Anonymous S.W. Anderson said...

Good one, Tom, but beneath the satire there is truth.

I think Bush and Cheney do regret not being able to turn Social Security over to Wall Street. For them, it's the money, but it's also the fact that program is perennially the highest rated or near-highest rated by people in surveys. Bush and Cheney don't want a big government program that millions depend on succeeding because that doesn't jibe with their ideology. It stands as a constant reminder how full of BS they and their ideology are, and they hate it for that.

October 22, 2010 at 11:26 PM  
Blogger J. Marquis said...

I like it. It's just unfortunate it's so close to what that asswipe chimp actually thinks.

Have you seen the movie "W" yet? It's amazing how much of our recent history was decided by the Bush family sitting around in their living room.

October 23, 2010 at 8:01 AM  
Blogger Beekeepers Apprentice said...

It was no coincidence that they waited until after the 2004 election to start yammering about privatizing social security. Just a few short years ago, it was the political kiss of death.

Now, it has reared it's stupid backwards head again, and it's gaining traction with people who are ON SS, or who will BE ON SS soon, and are so backwards in their thinking that they think it's a good thing.

October 23, 2010 at 8:32 AM  
Blogger TomCat said...

The biggest failure was not GW's. It was GHW's. He should never have had children

October 23, 2010 at 11:36 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

SM: I could just picture Dumbya saying this on Oprah.

SW: I'm sure Bush/Cheney regret that they couldn't yank Social Security from the peons and give it to Wall Street. A government program that benefits millions of regular people -- unacceptable.

J: I did see "W." You're right, so many of his presidential policies were extensions of his dysfunctional family squabbles.

Bee: That's true, as soon as he was safely re-elected, "rescuing" Social Security became an emergency. "The system is broken! We need to fix it NOW!"

TC: LOL. George and Barbara Bush sure did foist some sickfuck twisted offspring on the world.

October 23, 2010 at 9:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As I remember, the GOP asked him not to release it until after the election. Maybe he's getting back at them.

Maybe

Erik

October 24, 2010 at 1:23 PM  
Blogger Dave Dubya said...

One of the tragedies of WW II was the Japanese failure to kill the pilot of a certain Avenger they shot down. I wonder if the crew died because their aristocratic pilot bailed out on them...

Countless thousands would still be alive if only GHWB had died as a hero.

October 25, 2010 at 10:16 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Erik: His book hasn't been released yet. He's just promoting it on a book tour. I wonder if any Republicans or Independents will have buyer's remorse after reading his book.

Dave: Interesting point. If only...

October 25, 2010 at 1:33 PM  

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