The Biggest Failures of My Presidency

By George W. Bush

Privatizing Social Security was my biggest priority from the day I got appointed to the White House by the two Supreme Court justices that my daddy had appointed to the Supreme Court. How’s that for a cozy little — uhh, anyway…

Privatizing Social Security was even more important than overthrowing Saddam Hussein like my daddy wasn’t man enough to do, so Mommy would love me again and take me back and Jeb is still jealous ‘cause I got to be president and he didn’t. I wanted so bad to get my hands on those billions of Social Security dollars and yank them away from those worthless peons who earned it, they never donated to my election campaigns, what’d they ever do for me? I wanted to take that Social Security money from them lowly working stiffs and give it to my friends — the Haves and the Have Mores. You know, the one percent of Americans who count for something.

I’m proud of my invasion of Iraq, especially the way Karl and Uncle Dick pulled it off by scaring the shit out of all those gullible voters. Weapons of Mass Destruction, teeheeheeheehee. Those stupid inbred trailer goons fell for that bullshit, hook line and sinker, and I’M the one they call stupid?!?!?!?

I’m proud of leading Murka into the longest war in her history. I AM somebody! But I was kinda hoping for a higher body count. Body counts are just, well, they’re cool, you know? Vietnam, over 40,000 American soldiers and millions of gooks. BAM! POW! Iraq, just over 4,000 American soldiers and maybe 100,000 Iraqi civilians. Close but no cigar, damn it!

I was hoping to keep Enron going strong for a long time. I was sure sorry they imploded like they did. But that was a damn fine party while it lasted. We sure put one over on those California Yuppies and their rolling blackouts. Hey, get a load of this: What’s the difference between California and the Titanic? When the Titanic went down, the lights were on, heeheeheehee. But the fun didn’t last, and my old buddy Ken Lay had to fake his own death and go running off to their secret villa in the South Pacifi — Fuck, I wasn’t supposed to say anything about that.

But Social Security, that was a damn disappointment. A failure! I let my Wall Street friends down. I feel bad about it, and they were mighty pissed off at me. They still are. I don’t think they even want to be my friends any more. But that’s OK, I’ll always have my REAL friends: Jim Beam, George Dickel, Evan Williams, Jack Daniels, Ezra Brooks, Johnny Walker…