London’s Disorganized Olympics: This is Why the American Colonies Defeated the British
by Mitt Romney
Apparently I ruffled a few Limey feathers when I spoke bluntly about that disheveled mess they’re calling an Olympic “organization.” Well gosh darn it, I don’t care. I’m running for President and I need to be honest and call things as I see them.
Their private security firms don’t have enough people? If Bain Capital could purchase those firms, they’d have even fewer employees. And those same security firms would be much more efficient as a result, because the remaining employees would be working their butts off just to keep their jobs. These harried employees would be doing the work of three or four people, and they’d do it gladly. They’d be well aware that if they complained, well — I like to fire people.
British immigration and customs officials threatening to go on strike? Well let me tell you, this is exactly why the private sector will always do a better more efficient job than a bunch of faceless government bureaucrats. When I become President of the United States, these are the types of deadwood government paper pushers who will be terminated. They will be replaced by desperate workers who will happily do the same job for eight dollars an hour, or whatever the minimum wage is.
Ah yes, the minimum wage. That’s another nanny state boondoggle which I will eliminate on Day One of my presidency; right after I’ve repealed Obamacare. The minimum wage is responsible for millions of lost jobs. Those well intentioned but fuzzy-headed liberals who came up with the minimum wage have been hurting the people they were trying to help.
As I spend more time in London, it’s becoming perfectly clear why these pompous twits got defeated by their colonies back in the 1700s. I mean, look at them — they haven’t changed a bit. They’re a second tier nation. Always have been, always will be.
Well, I seem to be ruffling more feathers and stepping on more toes every minute, but heck, I’m running for office and I need to be straightforward. Besides, my politically incorrect speeches are getting points back in the U.S. My inbred followers are eating this stuff up, and they don’t care what a bunch of foreigners think.
When I get to Israel and Poland, I think I’ll warm up the audiences with a few jokes. Why are synagogues round? What do you call 144 Polacks?